changes

I have written this post twice now and I just can't seem to get it right.

I want to write about how change has affected my life recently, but it seems my life is always in flux so change is inevitable. The most recent change in my life is that therapy is ending. This is bittersweet for me. On one hand I'm excited that I've done the work and developed the skills to function without therapy, but on the other I feel a little wary of living life without that particular net. I have to admit I will also miss my therapist. I've been working with her for 2 years now and seeing her once a week, twice a week or every other week for all that time. Honestly though, I've just reached a point where I don't know what to talk to her about anymore. We catch up and she reiterates that I'm doing a great job with my new tools. She's a wonderful lady and I'll miss her, but really I don't need her anymore. I've become a strong, capable, honest person who is much better at taking care of myself. Am I perfect? No, of course not. Will there still be bumps in the road along my journey? Of course! Now, I'm in a place where I understand these bumps are part of my growth and I don't need to panic anymore or even more likely for me - shut down. I can still function and have a good life changing my way of thinking and ultimately my feelings. Yes, I've been using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it's been a godsend for me. These tools have helped me reclaim joy and hope in my life.

I feel so blessed and so thankful. I really am occasionally overwhelmed about how my life has changed over the last three years. I've been through some things that no one should have to go through, but I've learned that not everything that goes wrong in life is my fault nor do I have to take responsibility for other peoples actions and decisions. I have to own my own mistakes, but I don't have to hang onto them and continue beating myself up. I've learned to forgive myself and move on, learning from my mistakes, but not letting them rule my life. I've also learned or rather am learning to not let food run my life anymore. All this from therapy. Now, I'm ready to do these things without therapy - I know and practice my skills without my therapist telling me to - that's what I've been doing for months now. It's time to let go. It's time to trust myself.

Am I scared? A little, but I know I can do this. I believe in myself and I know I can face any challenge and learn and grow from it as opposed to letting it beat me down and ruin me. Wow, I really have changed.