Looking within

"If you want to understand others, 

look into your own heart." 

Johann Schiller

I read this quote this morning in my OA reading and it really struck a chord with me. Recent events in the world are really igniting a lot of controversy and anger amongst the people I'm friends with on Facebook. I see on my newsfeed a lot of posts and articles for and against a lot of different issues such as war, refugees, peace, terrorism, and religion. I, for the most part, stay out of any debates I see going on. I know that participating is not likely to change anyones minds and will just make me feel really awful.

The hard part for me is when I read things that seem cruel and filled with hate for others because they are different. I have a hard time understanding that. My wish is for Universal Love and Acceptance - that I love the way my Higher Power loves. I, being human, often fall sort of that wish, but I do try and I find it hard to understand others not having that same goal.

I know in my heart that I can still love others even if I disagree with their politics, their personal philosophies, their religious convictions, and even their hatred. I don't have to agree with them to love them.

In trying to understand where they are coming from, I need to turn to my own heart and look deep inside myself because there is where I will find the answers. I feel fear, disappointment, dislike, maybe even hatred (though I'm not really sure of that one), joy, love - all these things drive us - well I'll just speak for myself - they drive me to do and say things I'm not always so proud of or so sure of in hindsight. I may make decisions based on one of these feelings and I may even have the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to sometimes hurt others or cause pain. It is scary how I can get so caught up in my visceral reactions to events and feelings that I lash out or try to blame outside myself. I will even often try to take responsibility for things that are so far beyond my control that it doesn't make any sense, but I feel so strongly that someone must take that blame and I have no one else to blame, so I blame myself. 

Today, I look inside myself, and see the reflection of others in myself and myself in others. We are not so different. I think we all want the same things, safety, love, acceptance, joy, hope - the crux is that many of us disagree on how to get those things. 

I'm saddened by the conflicts that are going on in the world and I'm saddened by the conflicts that are going on on the newsfeeds of my friends on Facebook. I'm saddened by the conflicts that go on inside myself. There is little I can do about the conflicts outside myself, but I can reach out my hand in love and acceptance in spite of our differences and I can work on the conflicts I find within my own heart.

And I can hope that by doing so that I make some small difference in my world.

Universal Love and Peace

It's been awhile - I've been in a bit of a writing slump. I just haven't had a whole lot to say, but the attacks on Paris last Friday the 13th really brought to a head all the thoughts and feelings I have about the many places on our beloved planet that are suffering from war and persecution. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I knew I had to take some sort of action, but knowing that there is not a lot I can personally, physically do, I decided that some sort of energy work was what I was called to and I decided to invite others to join me.

Saturday, I was inspired to create an event on Facebook, a virtual candle light vigil for Universal Love and Peace. I set the time for the evening of Sunday the 15th from 8PM EST to 11PM EST. I then invited a handful of friends. I created this event expecting a few of us would light our candles and find some peace in our world. Word spread and I was blown away by the response.

When I went to bed at midnight - yes you read that right midnight - there were over 1500 people participating in the event, posting pictures of the candles they had lit in their homes. Over 20,000 people had been invited. I changed the end time of the vigil to 8PM EST on the 16th so people could continue to post and share their light and love with the world, because yes there were and still are people from all over the world joining in.

The thing that amazes me the most is that when I created this event I inadvertently set the settings on private, so every person who participated had to be invited to attend and it all started with the less than 25 people I invited.

Response to the event was so great I created a Facebook group to continue this work on a regular basis. Here's the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/421960828000534/

I've already scheduled another event, a vigil with the focus on Hope for next Sunday evening (more details are on the group page) and I hope to have a vigil like this every week for now perhaps eventually changing to once a month. People are reeling with what is going on after the Paris attacks, so they are focused right now and I think many of us need this. I know that world needs it and will always need it, so I want to continue manifesting light and love for my beloved planet and Her people for as long as I feel called to.

Transitional times

Well first of all there's this: 

Yes I cut off my dreadlocks.

This was a decision that was a long time coming - I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks when I finally did it. It was time. I felt called by my spirituality to have dreadlocks and I felt called by the Universe to let them go. I had begun to use them to hide behind - my being was wrapped up in my appearance instead of who I am inside, my outside was no longer reflecting my inner journey. So, much to my family's dismay - it was time for them to go. I feel much lighter and more authentic - more me. I can focus on my inner journey instead of my outer appearance. It is kind of scary and to be honest, I miss them sometimes - I miss who they made me appear to be. But this is more honest and now I can really focus on my spiritual work. That is part of what's scary too, I can't hide anymore, not that I've been very good at hiding on this blog, but in other aspects of my life I do very well.

This all happened after I returned from an unschooling conference in New Jersey. It was the Life Without Instructions Conference and I came home feeling more committed to unschooling than ever before. I felt supported and less alone. The kids and I went without my beloved and we had a wonderful time in spite of missing him. I took time out for myself - I practiced good self care, while at the same time letting myself be honest and vulnerable. I gave the kids more freedom than they've ever had and I think it was really good - I think it built more trust in our relationships. I feel as though I grew as a human being and a mother. It was a very good experience all in all. I sometimes wish I could go back - even if it's just for a few hours - to get recharged. I admit this experience is one of the reasons I was able to be brave enough to lose my dreadlocks and put myself out there - no more hiding.

Real life waited for me here at home. Everyone got sick when we got home and we've all been battling colds, ear infections and the like since we got back. We're all on the mend now and the kids and I agree that it was worth it - we wouldn't have changed a thing.

I've faced some challenges since getting back. I've embraced the transitions in my life and I've committed to my spiritual journey through the 12 steps - I'm working daily with my sponsor - we've begun step four and I'm being challenged beyond my comfort zone, but I know I'm doing what's necessary for my recovery - one day at a time.

I've also faced some difficult times at our homeschool co-op and have discovered that I can not be what everyone wants me to be and that I can make mistakes and be talked about behind my back without it destroying me or my serenity. There are a lot of angry people in the world and I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, because knowing that there are people who never took the time to really get to know me have decided to not like me or what I do hurts. I can't control how other people react to me or my decisions though, so I will do my best to keep working my program and be who I am to the best of my ability. My self confidence is shaken and I'm feeling really really vulnerable, but I will continue on to the best of my ability until I can't do it anymore. Then I will step back and take care of myself. I'm not there yet - I can still try to put myself out there - for now anyway. Co-op so far (we're only a few sessions in) is not as positive an experience as it was last year - I'm hoping that it will get better, but my expectations for the year were obviously too high - I need to just live in the moment to the best of my ability and take it all one day at a time. 

So that's where I'm at. I have some big plans coming up next month. I'm doing some work on my core beliefs using a kit that some good friends developed and I'm writing a book for National Novel Writing Month. I've decided to write a memoir about my struggles with depression. I want to focus on the journey through my last depressive episode with my family, but I'm going to let my muse take me where she wants to go - the Universe will guide me in my writing and it will be whatever the world needs from my story.

Last but not least, I'm at 253 days of abstinence - that's 8.34 months without sugar and white flour. I'm still trying to find the food plan that helps me lose the weight, but my abstinence is strong and my serenity keeps me going. One day at a time.

Morning Musings

Okay, if you read my last entry you know that I've been at an unschooling conference this week with my kids. It's been an amazing journey, but one constant I've maintained while here is my morning routine. I do my OA step readings, say my prayers, and do my meditative coloring with my coffee and light box. While sitting here coloring, I've been going over some of the choices I made to share of myself this week in some of the sessions. I've been open and vulnerable, sharing about my suicide attempt, my struggle with Arlo's death and depression, and my spirituality. I was thinking about how that made me feel and why I shared those things. I felt the inspiration to sit and write about my musings.

When I was a teenager and young adult and even just before my last serious bout of depression, that I would have shared these things from my past to garner sympathy and expressions of love. I was very needy at those times in my life and I needed, or rather thought I needed, to feed on that energy. Wow have things changed for me. Now I share these things for many other reasons. I share my struggles with mental illness to educate and to reach out to others who maybe feeling the same so they know they are not alone and that it does get better. I share about my loss because that was a defining time in my life and a lot of what I've been through including my responses to mental illness was colored by that experience. I share about my spirituality because that is part - a big part - of who I am, I'm a shamanic, druid, 12 stepping, pagan. I'm more willing now in my life to share of myself because I'm in a pretty good spot and am finally beginning to feel that I'm worth knowing.

All these things just are - they are facets of who I am and to hide them would mean hiding my light and I don't want to do that anymore. Did I second guess myself after sharing - Hell Yes! I was afraid the first day I talked about some of those things, but as the week went on and I realized that the people around me wanted to know who I am, it got easier. I no longer share this stuff to garner sympathy and to get kudos - I share them to, hopefully, help others to see things can get better and that a family can survive trauma and even thrive once they come out on the other side.

I wish sometimes that I didn't have depression and that my kids didn't have to see me at my worst, but on the other hand I believe the Universe give us all, the experiences we need in life. My children, though it was difficult, have learned compassion, independence, and how to come out on the other side of a trauma stronger and more able. This is a lesson I sometimes wish they didn't have to experience, but they are richer people for it. I try to protect my children sometimes to their detriment I believe, so the Universe took matters into Her own hands and brought the lesson my children needed through me.

Okay that got deep fast. It felt good to get it out on this page though. It's amazing to me the way the Universe showers us with blessings - even if they are hidden inside darkness - there needs to be darkness to see the light and to be honest, coming out of the dark into the light is one of the best feelings in the world.

These are just a few of the things I learned this week. How blessed am I.....

A little bit about hope

As most of you know I suffer from a sugar addiction, compulsive overeating, and depression - not necessarily in that order. One thing in common among all of these is that these conditions, diseases as you will, all steal my hope. When I'm in the food - I can see no way out, when I'm depressed I can see nothing but despair; my hope disappears. Overeaters Anonymous has given me that hope back.

OA is a way of life and it has changed mine for the better. Not only does this program help me battle my compulsion to eat it also helps me battle my depression. How you may ask? By supporting and emphasizing my relationship with a Power Greater Than Myself, my Higher Power. The program teaches us in steps 2 and 3 that this Higher Power can be anything really even the fellowship of OA itself, I just need to accept that I need that Higher Power. My Higher Power is the infinite love and light of the Universe Herself and She is conspiring to shower me and us all with blessings. This is where my hope originates from.

I have to admit I have a bit of a thing for hope, because you know, my name. Hope is such a wonderful thing. That feeling deep down inside that not only is everything going to be alright, but it is as it should be right now in this moment. That's what hope means to me - the knowledge that I'm right where I need to be on my journey of self-discovery. Right now and I hope for many years to come - that journey follows along the 12 steps.

While in program I've come to a new understanding of my Higher Power and thence strengthened my relationship with Her. I've come to a deeper feeling of hope in my life. This program has taught me and blessed me in so many ways and I've come to rediscover great hope in my life.  The tools are a form of hope for me - working with those tools is consciously acknowledging hope in my life. Every time I take time out of my day to pray, meditate, write, read my literature, or call my sponsor, I see hope - hope in action.

Nature is a huge example of hope in my life - it's also the major way I connect with my Higher Power outside of meetings. That connection, whether it be in nature or in a meeting with my OA fellows is in and of itself hope. I see my Higher Power in the sunlight dappling through the trees, the wind blowing gently (or not so gently) through the air, rain falling from the sky, and in the eyes of my OA fellows and my family and friends. I find hope when writing on this blog in my own words - words revealed through my introspection and connection with my Higher Power.

Hope is all around me if only I'm in the right mindset and openness to see it. The program tells me I need to be Honest, Open, and Willing. I find hope in all these actions. I must be honest about my struggles, open to my Higher Power, and willing to accept and see hope in my life. Honesty, Openness, and Willingness are keys to success in program, but I think they bring are necessary in every aspect of my life. That's why this program is a way of living, not just a way of working - I don't just work the steps anymore, I live them.

A lot of this is stuff I realized working with my sponsor. This relationship has given me such hope in my life - hope that I can get through one day at time, hope that I can beat back the depression, hope that I can live the program to the best of my ability and beat this disease of compulsive overeating. Is it easy? No - it's simple, but for me it's not possible without hope.

I see hope in so much around me. I find hope inside myself and my relationship with my Higher Power. I see hope in the actions of my OA fellows, because let's be honest, just showing up is an act of hope.

One of my greatest experiences of hope every day comes to me in the Serenity Prayer. This prayer is such a mainstay of the program that I often just recite it by rote without being mindful of the words, but when I take that time to really listen and hear what I'm saying I see such hope. "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." - this tells me that there are things out there that I have no control over and that's okay because my Higher Power has it handled. "The courage to change the things I can....." - this tells me that I can change some things and that I need courage from my Higher Power to do that - it also tells me that my Higher Power is willing and able to give me that courage - it exists deep down in my soul in that connection with the Universe - I just need to find it and use it. "And the wisdom to know the difference..." - once again I'm being given permission to fall back on my Higher Power to find wisdom to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't. Talk about an experience of hope - this prayer, for me, is all about hope. I use it as a reminder that I'm not alone - I have the support and love of a Power Greater Than Myself to get me through anything life throws at me - that's hope.

Hope is a blessing in my life and I'm very lucky to have that daily reminder in my very name. It's sort of ironic that I have this name being that I live with depression. Perhaps that is the Universe's way of keeping me around and helping me to as Jared Padalecki's campaign says "Always Keep Fighting".

Part of the fight for me is acceptance - that seems a bit of a oxymoron - fighting and accepting, but accepting that this is not something I can control, accepting that I need  a Higher Power to find hope in my day to day life, and then using the tools I am given to keep up the fight - the tools of the program to battle my addictions and the other tools I've developed to battle this depression. I can use both sets of tools to fight for my very life. I have life threatening diseases - compulsive eating, addiction, and depression are all life threatening and let me tell you that was a difficult truth to accept. I need to accept that and use that hope my Higher Power gifts me with to battle on. My story isn't over and I'm so blessed to have a Higher Power that brought me to this program. The twelve steps of OA are changing my life and they are giving me hope.

One Day at a Time is all that is asked of me. Hope supports and helps me through that one day, every day. Hope and the love of a Power Greater Than Myself - the very Universe Herself. Oh how I am truly blessed.

Balance

I'm feeling a little guilty right now. I made a decision today to not join in with a homeschool co-op that is meeting near our house. Part of me feels like I should for the kids' sake, especially for the girl, but with my commitments to our other homeschool co-op, OA, training on my bike, and my other spiritual work I just think it would be too much. The question is should I cut back my stuff for the sake of my kids?

It's difficult making these kinds of decisions. As a parent my first instinct is to just go for it if it'll make my kids happy, but then I have to stop and take stock of the whole situation. Yes, my kids would probably have fun, but I would end up stressed out and cranky all the time and that wouldn't be good for any of us.

Right now I'm in a pretty good place. I've been abstinent for over 6 months, I'm attending meetings regularly, I'm doing step work with my sponsor, I'm in close contact with my Higher Power daily, I'm riding my bike, and I've just started another program of self discovery a couple of friends published. This work I'm doing is important. I need to find time for it all because ultimately my work makes me a better person and that makes me a better wife and mother.

I'm already committing to 2 hours of classes and an hour of a knitting group plus being the adult advisor for the teen group and on one of the committees for our Thursday co-op. Adding more to my plate right now just wouldn't be good for me.

Reading over this so far, I'm embarrassed by how many "I"'s there are. I feel selfish and self centered. Now this blog is about me and my journey, so it makes sense that I would use a lot of "I" statements, but my instinct in reading this is to push myself aside.

See what I mean? Finding the balance that I need to take care of myself and my family is damn hard!! I need to remember that taking care of myself is taking care of my family. That's a hard one. I'm used to sacrificing myself for others. Putting myself aside and doing. This pattern has led me to self destruction more than once - the last ultimately ended in a suicide attempt. My depression and that struggle is real, my addiction is real, and I need to be honest with myself and take care of myself or I just become incapable of helping anyone else.

So, I made a decision that I feel was best for me and by extension for my family. It may not be a popular decision and I may on some level feel I should be able to do more, but I think it's the right decision.

Now I just need to let go of the guilt.....

Love

"The remedy of all blunders,

the cure of blindness,

the cure of crime,

is love."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The older I get and the longer I live here on this beautiful Earth, the more I realize and experience that love is the key to it all. Love is the answer to all life's questions. 42 may be the answer to life, the universe and everything according to Douglas Adams, but in real life - in MY life - the answer is actually Love.

In all I do, I try to be sure it is rooted in love. Sometimes that love is love for the Universe, sometimes it's love for my family, sometimes love for my friends and sometimes it's even love for myself. When I act or speak from a place of love, I contribute to the blessings showered on us by the Universe because as Rob Breszny says, "the Universe IS conspiring to shower us with blessings". I truly believe this and when I lose sight of it, I'm reminded when love enters again into my heart.

Random acts of kindness are truly acts of love. I try to remember that when someone reaches out to me or when I reach out to another. Everyday things in my life that seem little are actually very big when I remember that it is love that is behind it. The sun shining down on the Earth is an act of love from the Universe. The wind blowing a breeze on a hot summer day is an act of love. Lending my favorite fan to my daughter to cool down her room during a heat wave is an act of love. Giving my son room to make his own mistakes and learn from them is an act of love. Being present to listen to my beloved vent about the challenges of his job is also an act of love. Being in a 12 step program is an act of love to myself that ripples out to show love to my family and friends. Prayer is an act of love as is meditation. Eating healthy local foods is an act of love for myself as well as the farmer that supplied it.

Love shared ripples out and becomes bigger and bigger - so big it can not be contained and eventually helps to change us all into better people. It supports my journey of self love and growth. Love begets joy and hope and adventure.

I'm riding in an organized ride in September called the New England Parkinson's Ride to raise money for Parkinson's research. I'll be riding the 10 mile route in honor of my grammie who died 20 years ago and suffered with Parkinson's Disease for many years. This is an act of love - my love for my grammie and my love for myself because as I train for this ride, I see changes toward health in my physical, emotional and spiritual self. Exercise is an act of self love and as challenging as it is, I see the bounty it provides in my life every day.

I also discovered a beautiful group that facilitates love today thanks to a video I saw on Facebook. It's called More Love Letters and the website and story behind the group is at http://moreloveletters.squarespace.com I'm planning on getting involved with this organization because quite frankly I believe - I feel in my gut - that the world needs more love and I know I'm called to do more with my own love. This group is about writing love letters to folks who may be struggling or to leave letters anonymously in public for folks who may need a little love in their lives to find. What a simple but profound idea and action. A simple act of kindness - of love - can change lives. And taking that step to reach out and help another just brings more love into my life.

That my friends, is the Universe showering me and you with blessings.

Wisdom teachers

"The three teachers who impart wisdom: suffering, thought and a truthful heart."

-Welsh triad (translated by Caitlin Matthews)

August 8 from The Celtic Spirit Daily Meditations for the Turning Year

by Caitlin Matthews

Yes I know I'm a bit late writing about this one, after all it is the 10th, but it's taken a couple of days of pondering to really wrap my head around this quote. 

Suffering is definitely a source of discovered or learned wisdom. As a matter of fact, I think our culture tends to really emphasis suffering as a way of learning about ourselves or developing our art or even just making us a better person. It seems sometimes that suffering, though necessary, gets a lot of attention that lends to the passing judgement on some who "have it easy". Can we learn wisdom without suffering? I think so and not only can we learn without suffering, suffering doesn't necessarily mean we are going to gain any wisdom. 

Now I'm not knocking wisdom imparted by suffering - I've learned my share of hard and simple truths from suffering and I think many people who take the time to use the other teachers in this quote are more apt to find wisdom through that suffering. I think it takes a great deal of thought and seeing things through a truthful heart to reach a place of wisdom in our lives with or without suffering. I also believe that one can gain wisdom in one's life without suffering. That truthful heart and living thoughtfully can definitely help one find the wisdom of life all around us.

Suffering is not necessary, but I do believe it is universal. An experience doesn't have to be huge or life threatening to cause suffering. I also think it is part of my journey to find a way to live that transcends suffering - to find peace, serenity, hope, gratitude and joy in things that once would make me suffer. And ultimately, when it's part of my journey, to transform that suffering to wisdom.

When my little Arlo Edward died, I suffered. I mourned, I shut down, I felt such pain and I never want to go through that again, but I can't in all honesty say I regret it. I would love to have my little boy here with me now arguing with me about his chores or sitting with my as I read him Harry Potter or just watching cartoons with his siblings, but his death taught me so much about myself and about Spirit. I was pleased to carry him, even for a short time, in my womb and I thank the Universe for that experience. That experience - that loss - lead me to my therapist and to OA and the people that I've met there. The experiences that have happened since then were tainted by that and I gained so much from those experiences. But I needed thought and my truthful heart to gain wisdom from all of that. I also needed the thoughts and truthful hearts of others to teach me and help me get out from under my suffering.

A truthful heart is key to success in a 12 step program. Honesty with myself is how I grow and become closer to the Universe and fight my disease. There is a term "brutal honesty" that is very appropriate to this part of the journey, though I prefer to think of it as loving honesty. Being honest with myself and my sponsor (yes you read that correctly I finally have a sponsor!) is an act of love toward myself. Being able to look at my actions and feelings honestly with love and compassion helps me to gain that wisdom about myself and to grow as a mother, wife, woman, and human being on this planet.

I don't know about other people's journey, but I do know that all three of these teachers: suffering, thought and a truthful heart are necessary for me to know wisdom in my life. I'm sure there are others who can gain wisdom without suffering, but I think the other two are key with or without it.

Now wisdom is such a fancy word, but as I approach my cronedom, I find it more and more appropriate to my journey. I truly believe my sponsor and the other people in my life impart wisdom to me in their words and actions. That wisdom is the Universe making Herself known and using those folks to teach me and guide me and show me the wisdom of the Universe.

I'm so grateful for those lessons. I'm grateful for that suffering. I'm grateful for thought. I'm grateful for my truthful heart. And I'm grateful for the people that have been put on my path to impart wisdom whether they were aware of it or not.

guilt

Guilt.....What a uncomfortable and powerful feeling. It's hard for me not to act on my feelings of guilt and by that I mean try to bury them under food. I want to eat when I feel guilty. I know it doesn't made sense to anyone who has a healthy relationship with food, but to other compulsive eaters or food addicts, they understand what it is like to try to fill up the empty with food.

I hate to admit it, but I often feel a lot of guilt. I always have. I'd love to blame my parents or the different Christian teachings I grew up with or that I was an oldest sibling, but honestly I don't think it really matters anymore why I feel guilty at the drop of a hat. What matters in my life now, is that I look at it and feel it and work through it - without eating.

I went through a very depressed period in my life after my little Arlo Edward died - years of worsening depression that ultimately resulted in a suicide attempt. I've healed a lot from that experience - my depression is under control through the use of meds and some intense therapy - I've even healed enough that I don't need the therapy anymore; I like to say I graduated ;). There is however, residual guilt over this period in my life. I was not a good mother when I was in that deep dark place and I was not a good wife or friend. I lost my 2 closest friends during that period and I feel guilt about all that.

But......I'm working on it - I have the tools now - thanks to therapy and OA and my lovely shaman teachers - to work through this guilt. In my head I know I have nothing to feel guilty about - I was sick and the final waves of consequences from that time were bad - really bad - but I can't take responsibility for other peoples actions or continue to beat myself up for something that was out of my control. I didn't mean to get so sick - it wasn't something I chose and when I realized how sick I was I got help and began to heal. As a matter of fact, I was already in therapy when the suicide attempt happened. I talked to my therapist about it because I knew I needed to and with her help spent a week in the hospital (yes a psych ward) until I was no longer a danger to myself.

So, now I have many tools to help me with my guilt. I now no longer eat to try to numb myself to it - thanks to OA - so I sit with it and deal with it and use my tools to try to get over it. I think it shows my selfish side trying to take responsibility for stuff that's not mine - feeling guilty for other peoples actions can be seen as selfish or at least self centered. I don't want to be that person. I want my heart to be filled with compassion and love, not guilt and darkness.

I'm a work in progress, so I've not conquered all my feelings of guilt, but I'm working on it. That's what matters; growing as a person to who the Universe has called me to be - listening, working at it, letting go, moving on, praying, meditating all help me to get over my guilt. Because right now, in this moment, I really have nothing to feel guilty about and that, my friends, is progress.

An update and perhaps a new beginning of sorts

Well, the depression is much better. New meds and my body adjusting to a sugar free life have definitely made an impact. I've also begun exercising! I'm riding my bike 3 times a week - I'm up to 5 miles right now and I'm training for a 10 mile ride in September to raise money for Parkinson's research. I'm pretty proud of my growth over the last few months. I'm 160 days abstinent - that means 160 days without sugar and eating only 3 meals per day with nothing in between and no trigger foods. My portions are getting smaller as my body adjusts and my body is definitely changing.

My program - OA - is not going as well. I've have managed to remain abstinent, but to be honest that abstinence is a gift from my Higher Power. I've done little to no work spiritually and I haven't been working the steps. I'm still going to meetings, but not as regularly as I should. So after a particularly inspirational meeting yesterday, I finally asked a woman I admire to be my sponsor. This is a first for me - I haven't really worked with a sponsor, but I know that I need help working the steps or I am bound to relapse. I don't want to ever relapse again - the last one sent me into such a deep dark spiral - I never want to go there again, so I'm going to use the tools the OA program lays out for me and work with my new sponsor.

I've been thinking about what I want or need from a sponsor since I asked her yesterday. I'm still contemplating that. My first instinct was the I need someone to be accountable to - but after praying about it and thinking about it I realized that's not what I really need or want. I have my family to keep me accountable and they do a really good job of it. What I want and need from my sponsor is unconditional love and support and guidance through the 12 steps of OA. Someone to share my thoughts and work with who understands and can help guide me through the process. That doesn't mean that I won't occasionally need to be called on my stuff - I know I sometimes try to deflect and hide and I need someone to help me see when I'm doing that so I can be honest with myself. I think I also need someone to cheer me on when I'm doing well and to help me see when I'm ready to move on to the next step. I have a tendency to stay stuck - stagnant - frozen in indecision when something is hard for me. I will work through something and then just sit with it because I don't want to let it go.

I'm so unbelievable blessed to have such wonderful support in my life. To have a roof over my head, healthy food for my belly, love and hugs and kisses to feed my soul, a Higher Power that loves me unconditionally, and my fellows in OA that celebrate with me, understand my struggles and support and love me.

I'm also so grateful for this journey life has brought me on. It's been a bumpy road from time to time with many ups and downs, but there is very little I would change. I am who I am because of the struggles I've endured, so I'll take it all and work through and continue to grow.

I'll probably be writing here on this blog about my OA journey more than I have been because I think it's important for my recovery and abstinence. So you all should be seeing more of me here. Sorry I've been gone so long, but I haven't really had a lot to say cuz I've really just been coasting. It was nice, but it's time to get back to work. I have growing to do!

update....

Okay - so here's the deal. The depression is BAD like deep dark hole bad. I finally broke down and saw the doctor about 3 weeks ago and changed my meds and after about a week it got a bit better. But just this past week it started getting bad again. I'm sleeping more, but I'm tired all the time. I don't know if it's just side effects that will eventually subside or if it's just the meds  not really working. On another positive note, I'm not having suicidal thoughts any longer, so maybe it is helping a bit.

Oh and to top it all off, my doctor, who I've had for almost 12 years is moving to Florida. Sigh.....now I have to start all over with a new doctor, never mind the search for a doctor who has similar beliefs about medicine and health.

That's really all that's going on with me. I'm struggling - I won't lie - I'm considering giving up OA - I'm just to depressed to work the program the way I should and I'm just not giving to it what I need to to get healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I've been sugar free for 53 days and unlike last time, I'm not feeling the positive changes I was expecting. I'm still tired, still depressed, still in a lot of pain. Being overweight is not easy and not for the faint of heart. It's exhausting and painful and hard to escape from. Having said that I've lost 10 pounds in the last month.

Trying to keep sight of the positive and make small changes little by little. I've been abstinent for 53 days - I need to focus on that and pray that my meds make the changes I need to I can take the next steps toward better health.

I'll get there - I just need to have hope and be positive. Sigh - easier said than done most days. I've come so far, I just need to relax and let the universe shower me with the blessings that are there for me to see.

I'm going to try to be better about chronicling my journey on this blog - I've just been too depressed to write anything the last couple of months. Maybe the fact that I'm writing this is a good sign that the meds are working......Fingers crossed.

struggling

Well it's been a bit since I last blogged. I'd like to say a lot has been going on, but it really hasn't - same old same old. My abstinence is still in place - cleaner and more comfortable, but still a struggle. Those sugary foods are still craved and they still call my name and I want to eat them, but I don't - I won't.

I want to say that I'm in a better place right now. Spring has begun to make itself known and that has raised my spirits a bit - that along with the weight I cut from my dreads has lighten my soul a bit.

I'm still struggling though.

I made an appointment with my doctor for next week to reevaluate my depression meds - hopefully we'll be able to come up with something that will support the work I'm trying to do because right now I'm sort of frozen in inaction. I can't find the energy to do much of anything. Lots in my life is suffering right now including my relationship with my kids, my beloved, myself and my Higher Power.

I'm trying to keep plugging along, but it's getting harder. I'm just really, really tired.

I pulled a muscle in my back this week, so that's slowing me down as well. I'm uncomfortable in my own body and mind and that's really blocking me right now.

I try to find the positive and I know - I really know deep down that it's there - I'm just having a hard time seeing beyond my own discomfort.

I find that if I can  list what I'm grateful for perhaps I can get myself out of my funk - so let's give it a try.

Today I'm grateful to my Higher Power for being there for me even when I'm having difficulty being there for myself.

I'm grateful to my beloved for supporting me and taking care of me especially when I'm incapable of doing it myself.

I'm grateful for my children - for their empathetic hearts and the help they give me around the house when my physical self is limited.

I'm grateful for the lessons of my losses in life and the lessons I've learned and am learning from my depression.

I'm grateful for good local food that nourishes my soul as well as my body.

I'm grateful for my OA fellowship - they are the reflection of the love my Higher Power has for me when I'm having a hard time finding it myself.

Gratitude can help me find my way to my source - I just need to remember to look at life with a grateful heart.

Blessings.

something positive

It seems silly, but I've made a positive change in my life. I got a haircut - or rather a "dread cut".....

The top picture is a few weeks ago and the bottom is this morning.

It may seem silly but I feel so much lighter and not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. The last time I had dreadlocks I cut them all off not too long after losing my son, Arlo during my pregnancy. I realized that I was holding a lot of my mental and spiritual pain in my hair. I think I've been doing the same now. I've had this set of dreads for about 5 years and the depression and pain I've felt over that time has been trapped in my hair. It may seem an odd concept, but I really believe it's true. I feel lighter, less weighed down, maybe even happy. Things are looking up.

Spring is coming and after contemplating this move (even considering cut them all the way off like I did 8 years ago) for months I finally started cutting this morning. I just decided to do it. My beloved helped put in these dreads and he helped me cut them down to a more manageable length. They are a bit shorter than I intended, but I have to admit I love them like this. And one thing I can count on is that they will grow again.

So here I am with a symbolic first step with my hair and my life. 

It may seem silly or odd, but this really makes me feel like everything will be okay - even more so that as much as I may feel like I'm struggling right now - it's all for a reason and really I'm okay. I'm making the steps and learning the lessons I need to learn right here - right now.

Betrayed

That's how I'm feeling in regards to my body - betrayed. Every little thing makes me short of breath and my back hurt. Just getting up to walk across the room is work. I hate this so much and I can blame no one but myself. Blaming doesn't help though - so self forgiveness is a key part of this process for me.

So is getting up and moving. Monday I was invited to take part in a beginner belly dancing class. I decided after a lot of debate in my own head to attend. My daughter and I arrived with no expectations and ready to try to have some fun.

I won't lie to you all - it was hard - fun but hard. It was hard emotionally as well as physically. It's hard to be the person in the back of the room sitting watching everyone else while trying to catch my breath. I loved the experience and hated it too. Mostly I just felt self betrayal. I cried on the way home - embarrassed that I've let myself get to such a place - unfit, unhealthy and unhappy. So many physical activities I want to take part of and right now I just can't.

The worst part is that I need to work through the pain to get to the other side. I have to be uncomfortable to rediscover comfort in my body. We need to work together, my body, my mind and my soul to find a place of physical health and I'm not talking about weight loss here. I'm sure weight loss will happen, but if I could do the physical activities I want with the body I have I would - I can't - my joints ache, my back hurts, I have a hard time breathing. So the goal is fitness, but part of that is weight loss. Mostly I just want to be happy in all aspects of my life; physically, mentally, and spiritually. That's what the 12 steps are for - to help me find that balance of health, through connection with my Higher Power - "He/She will do for me what I cannot do for myself".

The good news is that after I cried Monday night, I realized that I had had an abstinent day - no refined sugar at all. We stopped on the way home to pick up some oranges for a snack that night - not ice cream and let me tell I felt like I'd earned ice cream - but the reality is I'd earned something better for my body so water and oranges it was. And I've stuck to it - 3 days of abstinence and counting!

As part of this whole awakening of my mind and soul, I've made some decisions about my physical form. I've ordered a new yoga mat and strap so I can start up with my yoga practice again. I've also uploaded an app to track walking on my iPhone. Hopefully these tools will help encourage me to continue moving my body. And yes, I'm going to continue with the belly dancing class. The instructor is a friend and is so very supportive - the class is also wonderful in their support and I didn't feel in the least judged by any of them, so as hard as it was for me I am going to continue. I feel strongly about working through my baggage and continuing because honestly - I had fun! It felt good to move my body, to dance. I love to dance anyway, so this is good exercise for me.

It took me a few days to really sit with my feelings about Monday night and what the experience dredged up for me, that's why I haven't blogged until now. Tuesday morning my reading from the OA book For Today was about getting our self worth from our Higher Power and not from others - it really resounded with me after the night before. I'll be honest here, I was afraid all those young girls with their thinner and fitter bodies were judging me. I don't think they were, but even if they were - I shouldn't care, I was there to help myself get healthier and have a good time. I felt the Universe was calling me to be there as a form of self care. I have to be true to that on this path of recovery.

So that's what's going on with me - a goal set to get up and move my body along with 3 days of abstinence so far. My but God is good.

Prayer

Hey all. My daily reading this morning, in the OA book For Today was about prayer, and that got me to thinking about my relationship with prayer over the years. Praying for me now is a lot different than it was when I was a teenager and young adult. I think a lot of that has to do with the diversity of my spiritual journey. When I was a Christian my prayers were sort of like a to do list. I bothered God a lot with my petty problems and wants and gratitudes, but it never sat right with me - I always felt a little silly telling God what He already knew, so I stopped praying.

At least that is what I thought. In actuality I continued to pray, but rather than a shopping list of thanks and needs - I let my feelings do my talking for me. I would say to God, "You know what is in my heart so take that as my gift and that will be my prayer for today." That kind of stuck with me even though when I left the church I stopped calling it prayer.

I switched my focus to gratitude and study and quiet. I've had a block about the word prayer for a long time now - my relationship with Christianity and all mainstream faiths is complicated to say the least and the language of those faiths left a bad taste in mouth. Words like God, faith, prayer all had a lot of baggage for me.

Thanks to my journey into OA and the reading I've done over the last few years that baggage is being slowly cast aside. I can reclaim the word prayer and redefine what it means to me. Right now I'm reading the wonderful book by Richard Rohr, Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self and something he talked about really struck me yesterday. The word contemplation has got me really rethinking and redefining my concept of prayer.

In the good periods of my life when I'm spiritually connected to the Universe, I always tried to spend a few minutes in quiet, preferable outdoors. I'd sit in the sun on my glider, on my deck and just close my eyes and BE. I'm beginning to realize that this is prayer. My preconceived notions of prayer are about making noise and then taking time to listen. But it was always about words for me - words to God and words back from God that I thought I heard in my heart. Now prayer is about feelings, intuition, love. There is definitely a place for words in my prayer practice - I try to recite the Serenity Prayer every day at least once (now that I'm back on my path and not wandering in the dark of the forest), but I now try to focus on how those words make me feel - to try to find the serenity behind the prayer rather than just make noise with the words.

I think the reality is that there are as many ways to pray as there are people on this Earth. I can not define what prayer is for anyone else - I can only define what it is for me. Contemplation, feelings, sometimes words, Shamanic Journeying are all prayer for ME. And that's okay. How I pray isn't as important as just taking the time to pray.

"God, 

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen"

Self Love

First off - I need to thank all my wonderful readers.  I'm overwhelmed by the support and well wishes that were expressed here and on Facebook. I'm a little in awe that my little blog post made such an impact.

So one of the things I talked about in that post was that Self-Love is my word for the year. I'm not going to lie to you - I have the typical Libra response to this. On one hand my instincts are to dismiss the idea of self love immediately out of a conditioned response that I must be being very selfish and self centered if I focus so much attention on taking care of myself because that is what self love boils down to for me - self care and self love go hand in hand. On the other hand I have another deeper response that is hard to listen to that tells me I'm worthy of love - even self love and my intellect tells me that in order to love and care for others more fully I need to love and care for myself.

There is a battle going on inside of me - two voices yelling at each other. 'You are worthless - you screw this up and that up - you don't do enough for others - you're selfish and useless!' The other yells in response to this voice, 'What are you talking about?! Just being a being of light and love makes me worthy! I think of others first a lot of the time! I try to be a good wife and mother and friend - to be a good, compassionate, loving, nonjudgemental person! Why am I beating myself up this way. I know deep inside that I deserve good things.' These two voices battle it out inside me. (Don't worry they aren't actual voices - just my subconscious battling it out)

Being a Libra, my first instinct is to listen to both voices and begin analyzing both sides of this argument. I can find honesty and truth in both sides so I end up frozen in inaction unable to listen to either voice, because honestly in some ways they both make sense.

A friend sent me a link to an interview with Richard Rohr and Oprah Winfrey. Now, honestly, I'm not the biggest Oprah fan, not that I have anything against her - there is just so much hype surrounding her that I just don't really pay attention. (Let's be honest, I'm usually doing the introspection thing). Anyway, this interview just really struck a chord with me - Richard Rohr's concepts just blew me away. So I bought his most recent book Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self. First I have to let you know I just started reading it - I'm taking it slow because I have a lot of AHA moments while I'm reading and I need to let the concepts sink in. He talks about the search for the True Self or the soul and that the False Self (false not meant to be a negative term here) that we show the world. There is a place in our development of self for that false self - that self we label and show to ourselves and society. The goal, however, is to dig deeper and find the true self deep inside.

I think those two voices in my subconscious are my true self and false self battling it out. I think my false self is scared, because I'm beginning to listen to my soul - my connection to the Divine, to God/ Goddess, HP. Part of me is really afraid to believe in my own self worth because then I have to start to put myself out there and trust again - in myself and others - to trust the Divine Light of the Universe.

So I've made a decision while writing this post. It is time to listen to God. It's time to embrace my self worth - to hold my soul gently in my heart the way The Universe cradles me in love. It's time to let go of self loathing and acknowledge my false self, but then listen to my true self. I am worthy. I am loved. I am a divine creature of light and love.

So let's hear it for self love through self care. I've already made some steps in this - I took a personal retreat a couple of weeks ago and went away by myself for a couple of days - it was very loving and relaxing and recharging. I've agreed to take a belly dancing class that a friend offered to let my daughter and I take - I need to move my body if I'm going to get healthier. I've ordered a new yoga mat (my puppy chewed a huge chunk out of my old one) and a yoga strap so I can get back to my yoga practice - once again I won't make any progress if I don't move my body. And - I'm much closer to banishing sugar from my diet - I'm almost ready to ignore the siren call of refined sugar. I wish I was there, but I know how difficult and long the detox process is, so I'm still putting it off. I'm close to just accepting that I'll have a few weeks of discomfort to get to a place of better health.

So that is my ramblings for today. Thank you all once again who took that time to read this and respond either here or on Facebook. Your comments and support mean more to me than you can know. I choose right now to accept the love and care from all of you that I'm still struggling to give to myself. You are my mirror reminding me of my worth - so I have great gratitude for each and every one of you - even if you just choose to be compassionate and not comment that I need to stop being a whiny so and so and get on with my life.

Blessings.

rock bottom

I think I may be there - that rock bottom that so many addicts have to reach before finding real sobriety. My body has turned against me - I'm at what I believe is my highest weight and I can feel every ounce of it. I'm having a hard time catching my breath and my back hurts almost constantly. I'm feeling helpless and at the complete mercy of my addiction.

Just a couple of years ago I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt - I think I was in better shape physically then than I am now. Emotionally I'm not better than I was back then. My addiction feeds my depression and my depression feeds my addiction. I'm caught in a state of stasis.

I know how to get out of this low place - I need to work the steps and go to meetings - I need to give up sugar. Sugar is killing me little by little - I can feel myself dying and let me tell you it is not a good feeling.

So I've been deep in contemplation about how to go about changing my life - finding the strength to actually do the work I need to do to get out from under the control of my addiction. I've been praying and trying to figure out what is lacking in my life. Trying to figure out why I'm frozen.

I thought maybe I should go see my doctor and get my meds adjusted (I'm on a couple of antidepressants), but that doesn't seem like the right answer. I know the work I need to do is spiritual in nature, so I've turned inward and I've discovered a few things about myself.

I've come a long way since that hospital stay. I'm no longer suicidal - so nobody panic! But I realized, I still have not managed to find consistent love for myself. I'm starting to believe that I can not listen and hear the love my Higher Power has for me until I discover that love in myself. This was a bit of revelation.

I was reading a friend's blog (http://www.starcatscorner.com) and she introduced me to Christine Kane's website (http://christinekane.com/launch/opt-in/woty-b/) and the concept of the word for a year. I did this worksheet and realized that my word for this year is Self Love. That is what I'm really focusing on for myself.

I think the process of working the steps while simultaneously working toward self love will finally get me back to a place of abstinence. I will open to the love my Higher Power has for me and I will know peace.

Yes that means I need to be more faithful about attending my OA meetings because I can not do this alone. First and foremost I need my Higher Power, but I also need my community, those who understand this disease and who love me for who I am - only because I need to be loved.

That doesn't mean that there aren't others in my other communities that see my worth. I have great support from my Facebook family and my homeschooling community.

A lot of this self reflection was spurred by a lovely woman who went through her own battle with suicidal feelings this past Autumn and was quite public about her experience. Her strength reminded me of my own. She reminded me of my worth and all that I've worked for in therapy and in my spiritual life. It's taken me a few months to finally figure some of this out, but her ability to be as open about her struggle as I was when I went through my own battle reminded me that I matter - my struggle matters and by sharing what I'm going through I may be able to help others while helping myself.

So I have decided to return to my blog. I've been away from it for a long time - months and months, but one of the tools of program is writing and I've discovered that my blog is a wonderful way for me to reach out to others to share my experiences, but to also get the support I so desperately need.

I've been isolating - all I've been doing is what I absolutely have to for my kids homeschooling groups. I haven't been letting others know that I need help. So this is me letting you know I need help.

I have a wonderful community of people who care about me and see me for the beautiful being of light and love that I truly am. I can't see that right now, so I'm going to let you all see me and remind me that I'm worthy - that I'm loved - that I'm beautiful - that I'm not defined by my struggles, but rather by who I am.

I have a long way to go and right now I can't do it alone, but I've forgotten how to ask for help. So here I am asking for help - just a word of encouragement or an invitation for coffee or even just a prayer. I don't know what else to do. I've tried to do it on my own, but one thing has been made clear to me - one thing my Higher Power has communicated to me is that I do not have to do this alone.

I'm not alone and I need to believe that I'm worth helping - that I'm worth loving. That I make a difference by just being. My friend Jenn in that last year of her life showed me this and somehow I've lost track of it all. I feel her healing love, gently reminding me that I don't have to be alone and that I have to be strong enough to not only ask for help, but to also believe I deserve it.

So thank you. Thank you for reading this blog post - I've sort of cut myself open and let it all out here on this page. Thank you for not judging and just reading this with compassion and love. Thank you in advance for whatever you may feel comfortable doing even if it's just a quick prayer or even a loving thought. I've made an important step with these words - thank for being witness to that.

my Higher Power speaks to me

Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Instinct is the word I use for that little voice inside me telling me in an instant what is true. I believe that voice is my Higher Power trying to speak to me. Some call this voice intuition, or gut feeling. I know in my heart it is the Universe trying to get my attention.

I often try to reason this voice away using logic to negate what I know I should do. This is when I relapse or lose track of my path. This can set me back and make me question everything about my life. It leads to me questioning my very self worth.

When I listen to that voice of instinct - that voice of my Higher Power - I am brought back to a place of self worth and self love. This is the voice that tells me I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of health, that I'm a good mother, wife, human being. That I'm exactly where I need to be in this moment - my journey is being fulfilled in my every breath. 

What a comfort to know that I just need to quiet my logical mind and listen to that little voice of my Goddess to know that I am loved. So are all of you. 

blessings.

Patience

This is something I'm in sort supply of. I admit it - I really like instant gratification. I hate surprises and I don't want to wait. One of the things that's hard for me in terms of program is that I need to wait for the weight to melt off. I'm in program to find spiritual progress and fight the disease of compulsive eating not to lose weight. The weight loss is just a side effect of become spiritually healthy. That's the hard part - I feel like I'm taking the steps so the weight should just go away. It took me over 40 years to gain all this weight I need to be patient and let the program make the changes in my life that need to happen and then over time the weight will go down to a healthy number.

Honestly, I barely have the patience to sit here and write this post. I just want it to be done so I can go on to the next thing in my life. What a waste.....I'm missing out on so much not letting myself enjoy each moment as it happens. I have very little patience considering I'm someone who's goal is to live in the moment. Now that is the goal - it's something I work toward not something I'm already good at.

Right now in this moment I'm sitting on my futon, writing this post on my laptop while my daughter watches Netflix and my son hangs out in his room. All in all a typical Tuesday morning. I don't have anything especially pressing for the rest of the day - some reading with the girl, working in my art journal and maybe some writing later in the day. I'm not feeling overwhelming drive to do any of these things, yet I feel like I need to hurry and get this done so I can move on to other things. It's weird....it's really just a lack of patience in my life.

So for today - One Day At A Time - I ask my Higher Power to help me with patience - grant me patience to take my day one moment at a time.

Trust

"We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it."

-William Hazlitt

"Let go and let God" is one of the catchphrases of a 12 step program. For me this is a difficult one - I'm a bit of a control freak and feel that to take responsibility for my actions I must study and think long and hard about everything that I do. This quote and this catchphrase remind me that I have to stop thinking about it and just do it. I have to get out of my own way and let my Higher Power run the show - do the overthinking  for me. 

Does that mean I don't think before I act? No not at all, it just means that once I've giving it thought and prayer and meditation - then I have to just go ahead and do what I feel led to do. I can't let myself become frozen in thought which I often do. I want to control the outcome of my every decision and action and that just isn't practical - it isn't going to happen. I can't control what happens around me - just my reaction to what happens.

Back when I was in college, the sportswear company Nike had an advertising campaign based on the phrase "Just Do It". I had a professor who told us many times that this is good advice in most things in our lives. That struck me back than and even now - I often remind myself to "Just Do It" or I won't get anything done at all.

There comes a time in our lives that we need to stop thinking and just do and that is when we give it over to our Higher Power - that moment when we give in to the action and stop thinking about it is when we submit and give it over. I've done my part and I've made the decision to give it over to the Universe - to my Higher Power - to trust that things will work out the way I expect or even more importantly the way they are supposed to. That is what giving it over to my Higher Power means to me - Trust. 

Trusting in the outcome that should be rather than the one i expect or want.

I've not been trusting my Higher Power for the last month or so - I've been trying to run the show myself. I've managed to stay abstinent, but I've not been working the program so growth and weight loss have slowed. I feel discontent and at odds with myself and that is when I know I'm in trouble. Instead of working the steps and connecting with my Higher Power I've been trying to do it on my own and the cravings have returned. 

So today I recommit to my Higher Power and I give my struggle with food over to Her - I give my daily life over to Her and I ask for Her guidance and strength as I work toward a healthy weight and healthy relationship with food. I work on trusting in the Universe that all will work out as it should even if it's not as I might expect or like it to be.