invisibility

Today I'm feeling invisible. The alarming part is that I feel as if I deserve to be invisible. I'm not sure where these feelings of inadequacy are coming from. I went to an internet OA meeting today and that seemed to help. At least I didn't feel so alone.

I've really distanced myself from most of the people in my life over the last couple of years, so I suppose this feeling of being lonely is my own fault. Most of my relationships with friends now occur online and while I'm thankful for those friendships, right now I just need a hug. My friend Jenn was one of the few people I've been able to open up to a bit and now she is gone.

I guess part of me feels as though I don't deserve to have any friends. I'm spending a lot of time in self reflection and that means in my experience beating myself up. Now, I know there are wonderful things about me, but I'm doubting all of them not to mention just having a hard time remembering them.

I've worked hard over the last few years to battle and win against depression. These feelings remind me very much of that battle. My usual tools just aren't cutting it. Maybe my grief is just overshadowing my feelings of self worth. I need to remember that I'm allowed to be sad and that doesn't mean I'm going to automatically sink into depression.

All I want to do recently is knit and watch movies and tv shows on Netflix.  On one hand I'm almost done with a sweater for myself, but on the other my interactions with my family and few friends is strained.

I seem to have lost my ability to interact normally with people and that bothers me. I've become painfully shy and if folks aren't willing to come to me I'm not likely to interact at all. When did this happen? It snuck up on me over the last few years.

I'm so grateful for my family. My beloved husband and my beautiful children keep me going. They remind me that I have a beautiful heart that it knows how to love unconditionally. Now I'm going to go back to my knitting cuz that's all I really want to do.