Balance

I'm feeling a little guilty right now. I made a decision today to not join in with a homeschool co-op that is meeting near our house. Part of me feels like I should for the kids' sake, especially for the girl, but with my commitments to our other homeschool co-op, OA, training on my bike, and my other spiritual work I just think it would be too much. The question is should I cut back my stuff for the sake of my kids?

It's difficult making these kinds of decisions. As a parent my first instinct is to just go for it if it'll make my kids happy, but then I have to stop and take stock of the whole situation. Yes, my kids would probably have fun, but I would end up stressed out and cranky all the time and that wouldn't be good for any of us.

Right now I'm in a pretty good place. I've been abstinent for over 6 months, I'm attending meetings regularly, I'm doing step work with my sponsor, I'm in close contact with my Higher Power daily, I'm riding my bike, and I've just started another program of self discovery a couple of friends published. This work I'm doing is important. I need to find time for it all because ultimately my work makes me a better person and that makes me a better wife and mother.

I'm already committing to 2 hours of classes and an hour of a knitting group plus being the adult advisor for the teen group and on one of the committees for our Thursday co-op. Adding more to my plate right now just wouldn't be good for me.

Reading over this so far, I'm embarrassed by how many "I"'s there are. I feel selfish and self centered. Now this blog is about me and my journey, so it makes sense that I would use a lot of "I" statements, but my instinct in reading this is to push myself aside.

See what I mean? Finding the balance that I need to take care of myself and my family is damn hard!! I need to remember that taking care of myself is taking care of my family. That's a hard one. I'm used to sacrificing myself for others. Putting myself aside and doing. This pattern has led me to self destruction more than once - the last ultimately ended in a suicide attempt. My depression and that struggle is real, my addiction is real, and I need to be honest with myself and take care of myself or I just become incapable of helping anyone else.

So, I made a decision that I feel was best for me and by extension for my family. It may not be a popular decision and I may on some level feel I should be able to do more, but I think it's the right decision.

Now I just need to let go of the guilt.....

The hill

The hill that beat me.......

Well today's ride was a set back - notice how I did that, what I really wanted to say is that it was a failure, but I'm working on negative self talk, so I changed it. This is the hill that did it -  Looking at it in the pictures it isn't nearly as intimidating as in person, but believe me - it was really steep and really long and  I didn't make it up it - I only got a little over half of the way up when my legs just stopped working. There were tears. There was lots of negative self talk. There was talk of giving up completely and never riding again. Duane and the girl stuck by me though. They encouraged me to walk to the top of that hill (which was a challenge in and of itself), get back on my bike and finish my ride. My goal was to ride 8 miles today and I did in spite of having to walk up this hill. Still I feel as though I failed. 

I learned something though. That little self destructive voice that I've been working my whole adulthood to quiet is still there - it has less power than it used to, but it's still there. My first instinct, even after all the work I've done on myself, is to put myself down, call myself a failure and want to quit. Ultimately, I've made progress because I've learned to listen to that voice, really take a honest look at those words, and make a decision to move on without believing them. I didn't give up - that's the real progress and the next hill was hard, but I chanted in my head "I think I can, I think I can" like the little engine that could, until I realized that I didn't think I could, I knew I could - that chant changed in the middle of that next hill to "I know I can, I know I can". And I did.

Ultimately, I realized that my flash point of negative self talk is self destructive and I can not and will not believe it. Honestly, was I ready for that particular hill? No, I wasn't, but that's all right - I'm still training. I've only been doing this a couple of months. My first ride was 2.15 miles and was on a bike trail off road - today's ride was 8 miles on the road - that's a huge accomplishment and that's what I have to focus on, not the one hill I wasn't ready for. My body is changing and getting stronger with every ride I take - that is what I need to remember when the negative self talk starts.

This is a lesson that bleeds over into the rest of my life. There is less negative self talk in my head then there used to be, but I realized that I still do it in subtle ways. I need to be better about my self destructive tendencies and focus more on the positive. I'm a beautiful, powerful creation of the Universe and I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved. That starts with a better understanding of myself and stronger self love. 

Today was just a reminder that I'm still a work in progress and that is okay. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing the work I'm destined to do. It's about the journey, not some preconceived destination. My journey is mine and it is beautiful. 

Oh, and I will complete that 10 mile ride on September 10th because I won't give up.

Love

"The remedy of all blunders,

the cure of blindness,

the cure of crime,

is love."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The older I get and the longer I live here on this beautiful Earth, the more I realize and experience that love is the key to it all. Love is the answer to all life's questions. 42 may be the answer to life, the universe and everything according to Douglas Adams, but in real life - in MY life - the answer is actually Love.

In all I do, I try to be sure it is rooted in love. Sometimes that love is love for the Universe, sometimes it's love for my family, sometimes love for my friends and sometimes it's even love for myself. When I act or speak from a place of love, I contribute to the blessings showered on us by the Universe because as Rob Breszny says, "the Universe IS conspiring to shower us with blessings". I truly believe this and when I lose sight of it, I'm reminded when love enters again into my heart.

Random acts of kindness are truly acts of love. I try to remember that when someone reaches out to me or when I reach out to another. Everyday things in my life that seem little are actually very big when I remember that it is love that is behind it. The sun shining down on the Earth is an act of love from the Universe. The wind blowing a breeze on a hot summer day is an act of love. Lending my favorite fan to my daughter to cool down her room during a heat wave is an act of love. Giving my son room to make his own mistakes and learn from them is an act of love. Being present to listen to my beloved vent about the challenges of his job is also an act of love. Being in a 12 step program is an act of love to myself that ripples out to show love to my family and friends. Prayer is an act of love as is meditation. Eating healthy local foods is an act of love for myself as well as the farmer that supplied it.

Love shared ripples out and becomes bigger and bigger - so big it can not be contained and eventually helps to change us all into better people. It supports my journey of self love and growth. Love begets joy and hope and adventure.

I'm riding in an organized ride in September called the New England Parkinson's Ride to raise money for Parkinson's research. I'll be riding the 10 mile route in honor of my grammie who died 20 years ago and suffered with Parkinson's Disease for many years. This is an act of love - my love for my grammie and my love for myself because as I train for this ride, I see changes toward health in my physical, emotional and spiritual self. Exercise is an act of self love and as challenging as it is, I see the bounty it provides in my life every day.

I also discovered a beautiful group that facilitates love today thanks to a video I saw on Facebook. It's called More Love Letters and the website and story behind the group is at http://moreloveletters.squarespace.com I'm planning on getting involved with this organization because quite frankly I believe - I feel in my gut - that the world needs more love and I know I'm called to do more with my own love. This group is about writing love letters to folks who may be struggling or to leave letters anonymously in public for folks who may need a little love in their lives to find. What a simple but profound idea and action. A simple act of kindness - of love - can change lives. And taking that step to reach out and help another just brings more love into my life.

That my friends, is the Universe showering me and you with blessings.

Wisdom teachers

"The three teachers who impart wisdom: suffering, thought and a truthful heart."

-Welsh triad (translated by Caitlin Matthews)

August 8 from The Celtic Spirit Daily Meditations for the Turning Year

by Caitlin Matthews

Yes I know I'm a bit late writing about this one, after all it is the 10th, but it's taken a couple of days of pondering to really wrap my head around this quote. 

Suffering is definitely a source of discovered or learned wisdom. As a matter of fact, I think our culture tends to really emphasis suffering as a way of learning about ourselves or developing our art or even just making us a better person. It seems sometimes that suffering, though necessary, gets a lot of attention that lends to the passing judgement on some who "have it easy". Can we learn wisdom without suffering? I think so and not only can we learn without suffering, suffering doesn't necessarily mean we are going to gain any wisdom. 

Now I'm not knocking wisdom imparted by suffering - I've learned my share of hard and simple truths from suffering and I think many people who take the time to use the other teachers in this quote are more apt to find wisdom through that suffering. I think it takes a great deal of thought and seeing things through a truthful heart to reach a place of wisdom in our lives with or without suffering. I also believe that one can gain wisdom in one's life without suffering. That truthful heart and living thoughtfully can definitely help one find the wisdom of life all around us.

Suffering is not necessary, but I do believe it is universal. An experience doesn't have to be huge or life threatening to cause suffering. I also think it is part of my journey to find a way to live that transcends suffering - to find peace, serenity, hope, gratitude and joy in things that once would make me suffer. And ultimately, when it's part of my journey, to transform that suffering to wisdom.

When my little Arlo Edward died, I suffered. I mourned, I shut down, I felt such pain and I never want to go through that again, but I can't in all honesty say I regret it. I would love to have my little boy here with me now arguing with me about his chores or sitting with my as I read him Harry Potter or just watching cartoons with his siblings, but his death taught me so much about myself and about Spirit. I was pleased to carry him, even for a short time, in my womb and I thank the Universe for that experience. That experience - that loss - lead me to my therapist and to OA and the people that I've met there. The experiences that have happened since then were tainted by that and I gained so much from those experiences. But I needed thought and my truthful heart to gain wisdom from all of that. I also needed the thoughts and truthful hearts of others to teach me and help me get out from under my suffering.

A truthful heart is key to success in a 12 step program. Honesty with myself is how I grow and become closer to the Universe and fight my disease. There is a term "brutal honesty" that is very appropriate to this part of the journey, though I prefer to think of it as loving honesty. Being honest with myself and my sponsor (yes you read that correctly I finally have a sponsor!) is an act of love toward myself. Being able to look at my actions and feelings honestly with love and compassion helps me to gain that wisdom about myself and to grow as a mother, wife, woman, and human being on this planet.

I don't know about other people's journey, but I do know that all three of these teachers: suffering, thought and a truthful heart are necessary for me to know wisdom in my life. I'm sure there are others who can gain wisdom without suffering, but I think the other two are key with or without it.

Now wisdom is such a fancy word, but as I approach my cronedom, I find it more and more appropriate to my journey. I truly believe my sponsor and the other people in my life impart wisdom to me in their words and actions. That wisdom is the Universe making Herself known and using those folks to teach me and guide me and show me the wisdom of the Universe.

I'm so grateful for those lessons. I'm grateful for that suffering. I'm grateful for thought. I'm grateful for my truthful heart. And I'm grateful for the people that have been put on my path to impart wisdom whether they were aware of it or not.

guilt

Guilt.....What a uncomfortable and powerful feeling. It's hard for me not to act on my feelings of guilt and by that I mean try to bury them under food. I want to eat when I feel guilty. I know it doesn't made sense to anyone who has a healthy relationship with food, but to other compulsive eaters or food addicts, they understand what it is like to try to fill up the empty with food.

I hate to admit it, but I often feel a lot of guilt. I always have. I'd love to blame my parents or the different Christian teachings I grew up with or that I was an oldest sibling, but honestly I don't think it really matters anymore why I feel guilty at the drop of a hat. What matters in my life now, is that I look at it and feel it and work through it - without eating.

I went through a very depressed period in my life after my little Arlo Edward died - years of worsening depression that ultimately resulted in a suicide attempt. I've healed a lot from that experience - my depression is under control through the use of meds and some intense therapy - I've even healed enough that I don't need the therapy anymore; I like to say I graduated ;). There is however, residual guilt over this period in my life. I was not a good mother when I was in that deep dark place and I was not a good wife or friend. I lost my 2 closest friends during that period and I feel guilt about all that.

But......I'm working on it - I have the tools now - thanks to therapy and OA and my lovely shaman teachers - to work through this guilt. In my head I know I have nothing to feel guilty about - I was sick and the final waves of consequences from that time were bad - really bad - but I can't take responsibility for other peoples actions or continue to beat myself up for something that was out of my control. I didn't mean to get so sick - it wasn't something I chose and when I realized how sick I was I got help and began to heal. As a matter of fact, I was already in therapy when the suicide attempt happened. I talked to my therapist about it because I knew I needed to and with her help spent a week in the hospital (yes a psych ward) until I was no longer a danger to myself.

So, now I have many tools to help me with my guilt. I now no longer eat to try to numb myself to it - thanks to OA - so I sit with it and deal with it and use my tools to try to get over it. I think it shows my selfish side trying to take responsibility for stuff that's not mine - feeling guilty for other peoples actions can be seen as selfish or at least self centered. I don't want to be that person. I want my heart to be filled with compassion and love, not guilt and darkness.

I'm a work in progress, so I've not conquered all my feelings of guilt, but I'm working on it. That's what matters; growing as a person to who the Universe has called me to be - listening, working at it, letting go, moving on, praying, meditating all help me to get over my guilt. Because right now, in this moment, I really have nothing to feel guilty about and that, my friends, is progress.

Anxiety

Okay - I am desperately fighting the anxiety I feel at reaching out and calling my OA fellows. I need to call my sponsor, but I feel such anxiety about it. Interacting with other people - reaching out - gives me a sick feeling in my stomach and makes it hard to even function. My throat is closing up and my heart is pounding and it's still too early to make that call. I have to sit here with these feelings for another hour or so.

Anxiety is such a mystery to me. I don't know why I feel it or how it's become such a crippler in my life, but there it is raising up it's ugly head making itself known. I'm frozen with it. White knuckling through the goals I have set myself. It's important for my recovery that I begin making more connected relationships outside my immediate family. That means reaching out - and that means setting myself up for the possibility of rejection or betrayal.

I admit it - I'm scared. Afraid to the depths of my soul of more rejection and betrayal from those I admire or those I feel drawn to and those I want to make a deeper connection with. What's most worrying to me is that I feel this way about people that I already know care about me. But then again, I suppose a lot of it goes back to that feeling of unworthiness. I feel like I don't deserve close friendships - close relationships outside my immediate family.

I don't have the best social skills. I tend to not know what to talk about to people so I sit silently and uncomfortably with friends or acquaintances until those people feel as uncomfortable as I do and walk away. And I can't blame them.

An example is a friend from real life that I have an active friendship with on Facebook - we message each other and talk via the computer, but when I'm with her in person I just don't know what to talk about. I'm just frozen with fear of making a fool of myself or being too needy or silly or loud or obnoxious.

I do sometimes make it past my discomfort and interact with people, but later, on the way home or lying in bed trying to sleep, I begin to second guess every word I said and wonder what the ones I was interacting with are thinking about me now. I know I shouldn't care what others think of me - what matters is the relationship I have with myself and my Higher Power, but those insecurities are something I still need to work on.

It's really hard. I have some social situations coming up. First I need to get over my anxiety and start working with my sponsor - that means phone calls and face to face time. I also have a gathering I'm going to at some friends' house on Saturday - I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I just need to remember to work through the anxiety the way I work through my addiction: one day at a time - one hour at a time - one phone call at a time - one moment at a time.

An update and perhaps a new beginning of sorts

Well, the depression is much better. New meds and my body adjusting to a sugar free life have definitely made an impact. I've also begun exercising! I'm riding my bike 3 times a week - I'm up to 5 miles right now and I'm training for a 10 mile ride in September to raise money for Parkinson's research. I'm pretty proud of my growth over the last few months. I'm 160 days abstinent - that means 160 days without sugar and eating only 3 meals per day with nothing in between and no trigger foods. My portions are getting smaller as my body adjusts and my body is definitely changing.

My program - OA - is not going as well. I've have managed to remain abstinent, but to be honest that abstinence is a gift from my Higher Power. I've done little to no work spiritually and I haven't been working the steps. I'm still going to meetings, but not as regularly as I should. So after a particularly inspirational meeting yesterday, I finally asked a woman I admire to be my sponsor. This is a first for me - I haven't really worked with a sponsor, but I know that I need help working the steps or I am bound to relapse. I don't want to ever relapse again - the last one sent me into such a deep dark spiral - I never want to go there again, so I'm going to use the tools the OA program lays out for me and work with my new sponsor.

I've been thinking about what I want or need from a sponsor since I asked her yesterday. I'm still contemplating that. My first instinct was the I need someone to be accountable to - but after praying about it and thinking about it I realized that's not what I really need or want. I have my family to keep me accountable and they do a really good job of it. What I want and need from my sponsor is unconditional love and support and guidance through the 12 steps of OA. Someone to share my thoughts and work with who understands and can help guide me through the process. That doesn't mean that I won't occasionally need to be called on my stuff - I know I sometimes try to deflect and hide and I need someone to help me see when I'm doing that so I can be honest with myself. I think I also need someone to cheer me on when I'm doing well and to help me see when I'm ready to move on to the next step. I have a tendency to stay stuck - stagnant - frozen in indecision when something is hard for me. I will work through something and then just sit with it because I don't want to let it go.

I'm so unbelievable blessed to have such wonderful support in my life. To have a roof over my head, healthy food for my belly, love and hugs and kisses to feed my soul, a Higher Power that loves me unconditionally, and my fellows in OA that celebrate with me, understand my struggles and support and love me.

I'm also so grateful for this journey life has brought me on. It's been a bumpy road from time to time with many ups and downs, but there is very little I would change. I am who I am because of the struggles I've endured, so I'll take it all and work through and continue to grow.

I'll probably be writing here on this blog about my OA journey more than I have been because I think it's important for my recovery and abstinence. So you all should be seeing more of me here. Sorry I've been gone so long, but I haven't really had a lot to say cuz I've really just been coasting. It was nice, but it's time to get back to work. I have growing to do!