Snow blankets the ground all around me. I love this time of year, though this year I admit I'm a little down. Such a mixed bag of emotions at the holiday time. I think this is true for many of us.
We are approaching one of the busiest weeks of the year for us. We have 2 Winter Solstice celebrations to attend, a holiday party for our homeschool co-op and then Christmas Eve with my parents. To top it all off, we've barely begun our shopping. I'm looking forward to Christmas day - we spend it just the 4 of us and it'll be a peaceful fun down time after a week or so of craziness.
Jenn's passing has affected me more than I thought. I think of her daily and miss her terribly. She was the one friend I saw and spent time with on a regular basis. I have internet friends that I spend time with every week, but that is in the virtual world. With Jenn we were in physical proximity, with hugs and sharing space and conversation - looking in each other's eyes. I miss that.
I'm looking forward to interactions with others for these celebrations we'll be attending this weekend. I'm hoping that I don't get too overwhelmed and become anxious with lots of people around. I suffered from a inner ear problem a couple of years ago and was housebound for about 9 months then had some serious problems with depression, so I've lost my social skills over the last couple of years. I'm very awkward in group situations and sometimes one on one. Even with people I've known for years. I've changed a lot over the last couple of years and find it difficult to trust people - even the ones that have proven themselves trustworthy. I'm craving more socialization (as are my children) and we've made a start with our new co-op, but I'm missing some of the people from my past and wish that I had the strength and courage to reach out and let them know I'd like spend time with them. I'm too scared though - afraid of being rejected or of making a fool of myself - coming off too needy or just very awkward. So instead I stay home and knit - it's the only thing that really seems to give me purpose these days. Well that and being mom and wife.
All in all though, this has been a better dark time for me. In spite of losing a dear friend recently and dealing with some heavy duty family issues, I'm not feeling as down and depressed as I usually do this time of year. I'm a little down, but no where near as depressed as usual. I have a light to help treat my depression and I haven't been using it, but I don't feel like I need to. Now I just have to continue working toward a healthier body, getting some exercise and hopefully upping my energy level. The depression isn't bad, but I could use some more energy.
In other news......I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop and selling some handmade goods. I was thinking of selling sweaters, fingerless gloves, cowls as well as some sewn things - bags of many sorts - reuseable tea bags, produce bags, shopping bags and reuseable gift bags. First I just have to get some things made up and then I can start selling. I don't know how successful it will be, but I really feel a need to contribute financially to our household and for reasons beyond my control I can't work outside the home right now. I knit all the time anyway, so maybe I can make some money from it.
I'm feeling blessed - I'm filled with gratitude for all I have in my life. My physical balance has returned and I'm striving toward better spiritual, mental and physical balance in my life and just that journey is something to be grateful for. I'm blessed with a loving family and loving pets with a rich spiritual life and a desire for more regular spiritual practice. I'm blessed with talents that help give my life more meaning and I sit here typing in front of a beautiful Christmas/Yule tree that brightens the room and fills my heart with hope. I'm lucky - clean water, heat, a roof over our heads, enough food in our bellies, the basic necessities of life as well as quite a few comforts. We may not be able to afford a lot of expensive gifts this year, but we have what we need and that is gift enough.
I completely understand. I have often made attempts to connect with people and they often fall flat. Most people are either too busy for me, or not interested. I never seem to measure up to what people seem to want or need. I hope you enjoy the holidays. ~ Val
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