Honesty

My first thought about honesty is that it doesn't make sense to talk about it unless one is brutally honest, at least to oneself - otherwise what is the point?

I think of myself as an honest person, but I have to admit I do not always tell the truth or at least I lie by omission. Of course I try not to lie to others, but myself - that's another story. I've heard it said that you can't really lie to yourself and I know in my cast this isn't true. I look myself in the mirror and lie all the time about how I feel, how I look, what I'll do. Honesty is hard for me. There I said it. For a long time I'd rather live a life of denial than actually deal with and work through issues in my life. Issues with food, self worth, my kids, my relationships, my marriage - I see a lot more dishonesty in myself than I want to admit.

As much as I want to think of myself as an honest person, but I often find myself being dishonest and sometimes outright lying to save someone's feelings. On the phone telling someone that the kids need me or Duane is calling instead of just admitting that I'm not in the mood to talk. Telling someone I like their hat even if I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen - though in this case I may try to assure them that I'm happy for them as long as they love their ugly hat.

Now, I don't want you to start thinking I'm filled with lies and never tell the truth - that's not the case at all. In my dealings with other people I try to be honest or as my mother taught me "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". I don't set out to be dishonest and I'm certainly not a compulsive liar or anything like that - I think my dishonesty in my dealings with others is probably similar to many others.

There is also the fact that I've been hurt by honesty. I've been hurt badly by that honesty that is bluntly, cruelly honest, the kind of honesty that seems to be used as a weapon to hurt another person. I try to balance honesty with compassion and if something isn't my business I just try to keep my mouth shut.

Now honesty with myself is another matter all together. I lie to myself a lot. I think those lies trickle out to my dealings with others; it becomes easier to lie to others when I am lying to myself and also I often convince myself those lies are true so I perpetuate the lie by sharing it with others.

Wow this is some heavy duty stuff, but as a person in recovery I need to be brutally honest with myself. That doesn't mean I have to start punishing myself - I just need to look in the mirror and honestly admit and accept my shortcomings asking the Universe for the strength and will to grow beyond them and become the person of light and love that I'm destine to be.

Honesty - it's something I'm working on.
Blessings.

Humility

Humility is something I struggle with and not because I come off as a particularly prideful person, but for the opposite reason. Humility isn't just not false pride - it's about knowing myself and my worth. Lack of self worth - something I struggle with by the way - is not the same as humility. Humility means that I know my self worth and understand that I'm not better or worse than anyone else. Let me say that again - Humility means I know my self worth and understand the I am not better or worse than anyone else.

In essence this means lack of self worth is just false humility and in a way is prideful because in trying to make myself less important than I am, I'm making decisions about my worth - who am I to decide? The Universe has made me to be a being of light and love and that has inherent worth. I'm worthy of love - self love as well as any other forms of love and my love freely given is a gift meant to be cherished and valued.

So today - just today 'cuz I'm taking it one day at a time - I'll do my best to remember that false humility isn't real humility and I'm a unique individual of light and love who deserves the blessings the Universe is showering upon me. I'll also remember that my love is a gift and that when others turn away from it - it's not because my love isn't good enough.

Blessings.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Sugar withdrawal is well underway. I'm battling a headache and am feeling like I could crawl out of my skin. All normal for me at this stage of recovery. I know this process, though difficult, will ultimately help me be healthier and happier. Sucks right now though.

Emotionally, I'm struggling. I'm feeling down on myself because I just can't seem to settle. I've all these things I want to do, but I can't settle into any one of them, so I'm flittering about wasting time instead. My emotions and thoughts are just all over the place - more side effects of sugar withdrawal and all temporary, but still disheartening in the moment.

This too shall pass and I will move into a space where I will feel better in my skin, have more energy and be able to focus once again.

Tomorrow I embark on the newest step in my life journey. I'm going to start up a yoga practice tomorrow morning and I'm going to start editing one of my books. I've actually written two novels so far and I'm hoping to publish them both this year and write another.

I will continue with this blog as a place of self discovery and sharing, but I'm hoping to also set up a space either at Livejournal or Wordpress to do some more structured writing like short stories and writing exercises - that sort of thing. I'm not sure if those writings will be public or not yet - I may keep them private.

I'm plugging along doing the best that I can - one day at a time.

possible vs impossible

Sometimes it seems that things are insurmountable, that they are in fact impossible, but the reality is that there is possibility in any impossibility. It takes faith and acceptance and hope, but it is possible if you can find the belief. Things that are impossible today may very well be possible tomorrow of if not tomorrow then next week or next year. This is a fact that I must remember in my own life. I need to take things one day at a time as I fight my addiction with the help of my Higher Power. This fight - this path seems impossible, but that is not the case. I must cling to my hope and trust in my Higher Power.

Rob Brezsny, an author and astrologist, taught me that the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings. Those blessings are all around even sometimes hidden in mishaps, mistakes and struggles. My addiction is a gift, but I need to accept that gift for the blessing that it is, for the path it has put me on, for the people I've met through it. Sugar will not beat me, because I have community, support and a Higher Power that loves me and gives me strength to take if One Day At A Time.

this and that and quilling

Well the new year has begun. I wish I could say I'm looking forward to it, but to be honest I'm just living in the moment. Day by day, minute by minute, moment by moment is really how I'm living my life right now. Sometimes I think that I should try to set some grandiose goals for myself to accomplish this year, but I'm really just not thinking that way to be honest.

Jenn's death has hit me much harder than I would like to admit. I'm still mourning and I'm fighting the process because of some misplaced sense of my lack of importance in her life - almost like I wasn't close enough to her to be as sad as I am. This is of course not true. My feelings are my feelings and they are valid and true and I have to accept them and work through them allowing myself to be in the moment with them. I don't want to wallow, but I do want to experience my sadness and grief - it's the healthy thing to do. I'm working on it.

Knitting has been my primary way of coping these last few months.

These are all the things I knit just before Christmas - all but one were gifts.

I haven't been doing a lot of knitting the last few weeks, but I have discovered quilling and I've become somewhat obsessed. Quilling is a paper art that uses strips of paper coiled into shapes to create objects or pictures. I've been making snowflakes among other things.

here's a picture of my new art space where I do a lot of my quilling

here's a picture of trees I did with quilling

here's one of the many snowflakes I've created

and this is a snowflake pendant I created - I'm going to make it into a necklace for myself.

As you can see when I discover a new hobby I get a little obsessive.

As for knitting - I'm still thinking of a Etsy shop where I can sell some of my knitted items as well as perhaps some quilled art, so I'm working on a cardigan using up some of my stash yarn to sell.

One of the very few goals I've set for myself is to become a published author this year. I've now written 2 novels for Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month - nanowrimo.org) during the last 2 Novembers and this year I will edit both of them, submit one to a publisher and self publish the other one. At least that is the plan. Stay tuned for more details as I get my butt in gear.

So that is what is up with me. I just keep on keeping on living my life day by day. Not much changes, but I continue to do my best being the wife and mother that I am.

Holidays approach

Snow blankets the ground all around me. I love this time of year, though this year I admit I'm a little down. Such a mixed bag of emotions at the holiday time. I think this is true for many of us.

We are approaching one of the busiest weeks of the year for us. We have 2 Winter Solstice celebrations to attend, a holiday party for our homeschool co-op and then Christmas Eve with my parents. To top it all off, we've barely begun our shopping.  I'm  looking forward to Christmas day - we spend it just the 4 of us and it'll be a peaceful fun down time after a week or so of craziness.

Jenn's passing has affected me more than I thought. I think of her daily and miss her terribly. She was the one friend I saw and spent time with on a regular basis. I have internet friends that I spend time with every week, but that is in the virtual world. With Jenn we were in physical proximity, with hugs and sharing space and conversation - looking in each other's eyes. I miss that.

I'm looking forward to interactions with others for these celebrations we'll be attending this weekend. I'm hoping that I don't get too overwhelmed and become anxious with lots of people around. I suffered from a inner ear problem a couple of years ago and was housebound for about 9 months then had some serious problems with depression, so I've lost my social skills over the last couple of years. I'm very awkward in group situations and sometimes one on one. Even with people I've known for years. I've changed a lot over the last couple of years and find it difficult to trust people - even the ones that have proven themselves trustworthy. I'm craving more socialization (as are my children) and we've made a start with our new co-op, but I'm missing some of the people from my past and wish that I had the strength and courage to reach out and let them know I'd like spend time with them. I'm too scared though - afraid of being rejected or of making a fool of myself - coming off too needy or just very awkward. So instead I stay home and knit - it's the only thing that really seems to give me purpose these days. Well that and being mom and wife.

All in all though, this has been a better dark time for me. In spite of losing a dear friend recently and dealing with some heavy duty family issues, I'm not feeling as down and depressed as I usually do this time of year. I'm a little down, but no where near as depressed as usual. I have a light to help treat my depression and I haven't been using it, but I don't feel like I need to. Now I just have to continue working toward a healthier body, getting some exercise and hopefully upping my energy level. The depression isn't bad, but I could use some more energy.

In other news......I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop and selling some handmade goods. I was thinking of selling sweaters, fingerless gloves, cowls as well as some sewn things - bags of many sorts - reuseable tea bags, produce bags, shopping bags and reuseable gift bags. First I just have to get some things made up and then I can start selling. I don't know how successful it will be, but I really feel a need to contribute financially to our household and for reasons beyond my control I can't work outside the home right now. I knit all the time anyway, so maybe I can make some money from it.

I'm feeling blessed - I'm filled with gratitude for all I have in my life. My physical balance has returned and I'm striving toward better spiritual, mental and physical balance in my life and just that journey is something to be grateful for. I'm blessed with a loving family and loving pets with a rich spiritual life and a desire for more regular spiritual practice. I'm blessed with talents that help give my life more meaning and I sit here typing in front of a beautiful Christmas/Yule tree that brightens the room and fills my heart with hope. I'm lucky - clean water, heat, a roof over our heads, enough food in our bellies, the basic necessities of life as well as quite a few comforts. We may not be able to afford a lot of expensive gifts this year, but we have what we need and that is gift enough.

journeying on and exploring old paths

Hey everyone, it's been awhile, but I really haven't had a lot to say as of late. I think the darkness that has encompassed this part of the earth has me feeling a bit down - my energy level isn't real high and I seem to be tired a lot. I'm also experiencing some apathy right now. I'm doing a lot of knitting for Christmas/Yule gifts and find that I'm more excited about that than I am about Christmas and Yule themselves. I think I may still be mourning a bit. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about it and just make the decision to be happy or excited and I find it's working pretty well.

Yesterday was a busy day for us. In the search for some passion and real feeling - I went back to my roots or rather a semblance of it. I've been really trying to connect with my Higher Power - the Great Spirit - the Goddess - God or any other name you prefer. My spiritual journey has been very varied over the years and this time of year I often feel a pull to go back to my roots - Christianity. Perhaps it's the plethora of Christian sentiment this time of year, but I have to admit, my own Paganism (yes that is how I spiritually identify) is very strong this time of year with the Winter Solstice approaching. This time of year it feels possible to combine the two - find a way to join my roots with my current Paganism. Not easy to do I can assure you - well not out in the world anyway - in my heart it all feels the same to be honest. Anyway, we as a family (parents more than children) decided to go to the local UU church yesterday. It was a lovely service - a large congregation and I even liked the pastor, but somehow I was disappointed. I couldn't tap into that place of spiritual ecstasy that I strive for and find in my personal practice. Not that the experience was bad, just not what I was hoping for.

I'm looking forward to Yule this year because I know my observance of this holiday will bring me to that spiritual plane I'm looking for. Of course just my mediation at home brings me there often. I'm blessed that way - I find it easy (most days) to just quiet my mind and find that link with Spirit.

After church we did some errands and then went and got our Christmas tree - we celebrate the Solstice as our spiritual holiday and Christmas as a secular holiday, so we have a Christmas tree though we interchange the term Yule tree quite frequently. Anyway we cut our own and out while looking for our tree this year, I found glimpses of that spiritual connectedness and ecstasy I was looking for in church. I was reminded once again that returning to the Earth and all Her goodness is the way for me to connect with my Higher Power. Why I need to constantly be reminded of this I don't know - I guess I'm just a little distracted by everyday life. It's interesting to me that I found "God" in a place other than church - not that S/He wasn't there - S/He was - I felt Him/Her in the presence of the people, but S/He was stronger in nature for me.

Now I think I just did some rambling there, but what it comes down to is, I'm lucky enough to find my Higher Power in simple places and right here in my own heart - I need to stop looking and start being with that Spirit

I'm sitting now in my living room in front of our lit Christmas/Yule tree with snow falling outside the window and Christmas carols playing on the computer and I feel so incredibly blessed. I'm a little overwhelmed with the feeling.

Anyway these are the thoughts that are going through my head today - I thought I'd share them with all of you as a way of experiencing them myself and clarifying what is going on with me in my own mind.

May the coming of the approaching Light bless each and every one of you.