Honesty

My first thought about honesty is that it doesn't make sense to talk about it unless one is brutally honest, at least to oneself - otherwise what is the point?

I think of myself as an honest person, but I have to admit I do not always tell the truth or at least I lie by omission. Of course I try not to lie to others, but myself - that's another story. I've heard it said that you can't really lie to yourself and I know in my cast this isn't true. I look myself in the mirror and lie all the time about how I feel, how I look, what I'll do. Honesty is hard for me. There I said it. For a long time I'd rather live a life of denial than actually deal with and work through issues in my life. Issues with food, self worth, my kids, my relationships, my marriage - I see a lot more dishonesty in myself than I want to admit.

As much as I want to think of myself as an honest person, but I often find myself being dishonest and sometimes outright lying to save someone's feelings. On the phone telling someone that the kids need me or Duane is calling instead of just admitting that I'm not in the mood to talk. Telling someone I like their hat even if I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen - though in this case I may try to assure them that I'm happy for them as long as they love their ugly hat.

Now, I don't want you to start thinking I'm filled with lies and never tell the truth - that's not the case at all. In my dealings with other people I try to be honest or as my mother taught me "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". I don't set out to be dishonest and I'm certainly not a compulsive liar or anything like that - I think my dishonesty in my dealings with others is probably similar to many others.

There is also the fact that I've been hurt by honesty. I've been hurt badly by that honesty that is bluntly, cruelly honest, the kind of honesty that seems to be used as a weapon to hurt another person. I try to balance honesty with compassion and if something isn't my business I just try to keep my mouth shut.

Now honesty with myself is another matter all together. I lie to myself a lot. I think those lies trickle out to my dealings with others; it becomes easier to lie to others when I am lying to myself and also I often convince myself those lies are true so I perpetuate the lie by sharing it with others.

Wow this is some heavy duty stuff, but as a person in recovery I need to be brutally honest with myself. That doesn't mean I have to start punishing myself - I just need to look in the mirror and honestly admit and accept my shortcomings asking the Universe for the strength and will to grow beyond them and become the person of light and love that I'm destine to be.

Honesty - it's something I'm working on.
Blessings.