GOMU

Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Now I have to admit I got hung up on this step for a long time. My concept of a Higher Power is very different than the Judeo-Christian concept I grew up with. I do believe in a power outside of myself that interacts with me and the universe in positive ways. I don't believe He/She is limited by the parameters of any organized religion. I think organized religion is a tool given to us by that Higher Power to help us relate to something so much bigger than ourselves that we cannot grasps It's magnitude. I also believe that we are called to different paths by that same Higher Power based on how we will best find Him or Her or It.

The language of twelve step programs is very much in line with the Judeo-Christianity of my youth and having moved away from that and even having some personal hangups about it, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept that the loving God/Goddess that I worship can be the same as the one talked about in program. In my heart I believe that all gods are one god and all goddess one goddess and that the Divine of the Universe is loving and all powerful showing us different faces, but putting that faith into practice is harder than it seems.

For me it took some really wonderful loving self described Christians in my regular OA meeting to finally find some peace with this. Some of the language adopted by the program definitely helps. The term Higher Power or GOMU (God of My Understanding) have definitely helped. But honestly, it's been the kindness, compassion, and unconditional love that I've experienced from my fellows in OA that have really helped me the most. What a gift we are to each other. My brothers and sisters my not understand completely how I worship, interact with and relate to my Higher Power but they accept me and that relationship for the gift that it is. They open their minds and their hearts to me and show me the very love that my Higher Power feels for me.

Do I still sometimes struggle? Yes I do, but I think that's to be expected. Being called to a path trod by few can be challenging. Being constantly questioned and judged for believing differently than others is hard. I know that I shouldn't care what others think of me or my path - what matters is the loving relationship I have with my Goddess, but.......I know that there are those I care about that don't understand and don't agree with my choices. I'm a people pleaser - I like others to love me and accept me as I am and knowing that they on some level want to change me is upsetting.

One thing I am sure of is that I love my Higher Power and I could not embark on this journey of recovery and self discovery without Her. The deepening of that relationship through prayer, meditation and study is such a blessing to me. I feel stronger in my faith every day and with the work I am doing I will just be further blessed and loved all the days of my life.