care in wishing

"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."

This was part of my OA reading today. How many times have I prayed for something or wished for something to have that wish come true in a twisted way that just made me feel worse? It's hard not wishing, but so worth it to live in a place of gratitude for what I already have, because I honestly have so much.

For instance, I used to work third shift at LLBean. I loved my job and the people I worked with, but the hours were killing me. I remember wishing I could stay home again and be a stay at home mom. Then I got sick - I had an inner ear problem that caused me to completely lose balance at very inconvenient times, eventually getting so bad that I would fall every time I tried to do anything. I ended up walking with a walker. It took a long time for doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I had to take a leave from work - I was a stay at home mom again - not in the way I intended, but that eventually let to a serious depression that caused me to be hospitalized and I had to come to the realization that third shift was not right for me and would only contribute to further problems with depression. I ended up leaving my job. 

Eventually this was a blessing. I'm now a stay at home mom again, but wow was the pathway here a challenge. Being sick in this way was really really hard on me and even more so on my family. My kids lost their mom for a couple of years. I'm back now, working hard to become a better version of me and I'm loving myself more than I have in a long time. Some bad stuff happened on the way here. My kids really went through a lot. Hopefully they have come out the other side stronger and wiser, but I still feel I should have been able to protect them. In trying to protect them I think I may have made things worse. 

Trickle down is happening. Our whole family is in a better place now - it took a long time to get here though. All because I wanted to be a stay at home mom again. I wish I had just had the strength to quit my job back then, though I still may very well have gone through all this to get to where I am now. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to make the necessary changes in our life for growth and health.

Now I try, and I think mostly succeed, to live in the moment - day by day grateful for the mistakes and choices I've made - for those things are what have made me the person I am today. Today I celebrate that. I'm grateful for this moment, this day. I'm right where I'm supposed to be learning what I need to learn. 

Blessings all.