Balance

Step four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I think this is something I do almost every day and the fearless part is to discover some of the "good" stuff. I find it easy to see things that are "less than" about myself.

One of my fears about this step is that I will use it as an accuse to bash Hope. This has often been one of my favorite pastimes. I spend a lot of time looking for my shortcomings, the things about myself that stand in the way of my journey, my growth. This step calls on me to be honest with myself and face down that stuff, but also acknowledge the other stuff - the stuff that helps me on my journey and in my growth as a spiritual being.

I hate that feeling of "tooting my own horn" and acknowledging anything but the bad about myself seems selfish and self centered. But focusing only on the "bad" is just a self serving. I feel I have no right to the "good" stuff so I focus on the bad stuff - setting myself up for failure.

Ultimately, I think this all has to do with self esteem - so much in my life does. I have this internal conflict between one side of me that feels that I'm not so bad, I'm actually kind of amazing and the other side of me that believes I'm a complete screw up that can't do anything right. Guess which one is easier to listen to. I wallow in my lack of self esteem, emphasizing the mistakes I've made and ignoring the growth and accomplishments I've achieved. I'm so self centered that I often even take on the mistakes of other people trying to convince myself that it is my fault someone else messed up. How messed up and selfish is that.

The last few years I've been trying to find balance (I'm a Libra so balance is kind of my thing) between my positive and negative attributes. Now I don't even like to use that word negative because the challenges in my life help me just as much as my positive traits to grow into the being of light and love I'm meant to be, but I'm not sure how else to put it. Challenges make it sound like stuff outside myself and I'm talking about those traits inside me that get in my way. Like envy, anger, laziness, gossip, fear, lack of trust, etc. these are all things that I find in myself. Admittedly they exist right along with love, acceptance, joy, faith, hope - these are all parts of me too and I have every right, even perhaps a responsibility to acknowledge those as well. I'm a complex person and I shouldn't try to define myself by my shortcomings alone.

I may not yet be the being of light and love I'm meant to be, but I'm working toward it - looking for hints of her in myself and all around me. I implore my Higher Power every day to be with me as I embark on the hard work that is step 4 to let me see myself as I really am faults and all.