blessings

What does food do for me? I eat compulsively for a variety of reasons - nutrition being low on the list. Or rather I should say I used to eat for a variety of reasons - nutrition low on the list. Now that I'm abstinent I eat for nutrition. I enjoy what I eat, but nutrition is the primary reason I eat now and pleasure is just a side effect.

Before OA I'd eat for pleasure first and foremost or to numb my feelings or to escape from hardship or to take my frustration and anger out on myself. None of these are healthy reasons to eat. Eating should be about keeping my body alive and healthy not for emotional reasons. When I eat for reasons other than nutrition I can't control it and will eat well beyond what is good and right for me. When I add sugar to the mix - look out!

I am not alone in this addiction there are many of us that have an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of overeat, eat compulsively, binge, purge or just don't eat at all. These food behaviors all have things in common.

I've spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand why I have the unhealthy relationship with food that I do and there was some merit to that search. I've now reached a point in my life that I just need to change how I interact and use food in my life. I've chosen to use a 12 step program to heal spiritually, emotionally, and physically because at least for me - I need a spiritual solution. I need help outside of myself from a Higher Power and from my sisters and brothers that suffer alongside me.

Does this mean I don't take any of the responsibility for my recovery? No of course not. I'm the one that has to use my free will and make the choice to ask for help and do the work that is necessary to recover. I'm the one that has to pray, meditate, follow a food plan and work the steps. I just acknowledge that for me, the solution is one of a spiritual nature and that help from my Higher Power is what is needed. I need a relationship with something outside of myself and because I feel a connection with the feminine divine and because I feel Her most strongly when I'm in nature - I feel called to a nature based spirituality.

I've struggled a long time, about a year and a half, with how my Higher Power compares to the Judeo-Christian Higher Power and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. There is no comparison because it really isn't all that different. The bells and whistle of worship may differ, but the relationship with the Divine is inherently the same.

As you can see I think about my relationship with my Higher Power a lot. I pray in my own way and my own time seeking silence as much as any other form of communication. The key is that relationship.

I'm feeling blessed today. Blessed and thankful that I have a loving Goddess who loves me, a community who understands me and people who accept me and don't judge me even if they may not understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure there are lots of people out there that do judge me and that want little or nothing to do with me. I wish I could say it doesn't matter to me, but it does. I'm filled with sadness and fear that I can't be what everyone wants me to be. But.....I am what I am and I've worked damn hard to get here. I've read and written and talked and prayed and discovered and journeyed and drummed and sat and listened and spoken and shared and been turned away and been judged and cast aside. I've loved and been loved. I've shut down and shut people out and turned away from situations that were no longer healthy for me. I've made mistakes and I've probably grown and learned more from those mistakes than from anything else. I wish I could do more, but who I am is pretty amazing. I love hard and completely, I accept others and try really hard not to judge. I'm a good person at heart. I love who I've become. I'm still a work in progress, still calling upon my Higher Power for strength and transformation, still on my life's journey following the many paths ahead of me, but I've already come so far and I honor that part of my journey for the joy and blessing that it is.

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm beautiful and blessed and oh so very very grateful for it all.