Faith

Okay this is a hard one to write about for me because my faith has really taken a beating over the last few years. People, experiences and feelings that I had faith in let me down. My faith in humanity, my family and myself has been shaken to the core. But I persevere just the same. I still have hope.

I think faith and hope are very deeply connected - at least in my life. When my faith is faltering there is still hope for me. Hope is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, faith is believing it is there even when you can't see it. I have a hard time keeping the faith.

Maybe my struggle has to do with my hangups about organized religion. When I was a Christian my whole life was about my Faith, now my faith is about my life. Does that make even make sense? My faith used to be about something outside of myself and now it's about myself and the divinity that lives within me, but also tied up with all that is around me. I'm just a part of a whole and that faith comes in to keep me going.

I have to admit as I embark on this journey of recovery - actually as I continue on this journey - I'm re-examining my ides and thoughts about faith. As I try to live my life more and more in the moment (which by the way has always been a goal in my life) and One Day At a Time I realize that faith becomes more and more important and there is an element of faith in something outside of myself that I'm a part of. Call it the Universe, the Higher Power, God, or Goddess, I am a part of that life force, yet somehow it also exists outside myself. I have to have faith that I'm an important part of that Consciousness.

Faith is hard for me, which is interesting. I can remember a time in my life where I had blind faith in a Being greater than myself - what happened to that? I guess I grew up, began questioning, and then started to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual life. Yet somehow I've fallen short of my expectations.

Faith and expectations......how are they different? How do they compare? Perhaps my shortcoming is that I confuse the two. Perhaps what I see as faith is actually an expectation of how I think my life should be or how I think things around me should unfold.

Faith and trust......I suppose there is an element of trust in faith. Trust has become a hot button issue for me. A lot of people betrayed my trust over the last few years and in self defense I turned inward and then betrayed the trust of others. It's a vicious cycle I think. Then some issues in my life caused me to lose trust in myself and that just made matters worse. It is really difficult for me to trust others when I find it hard to trust myself - it's hard to trust that the Universe wants to bless me when my personal life is filled with battles.

This too shall change - that is one thing I have faith in that change is inevitable - it will happen whether I want it to or not. I just need to find faith in the fact that change is good when it is tied into growth. As long as I'm trying then I must have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and I'm learning the lessons I must learn to become the being of light and love that I'm destined to be.

So ultimately I guess I do have faith. Faith that there is a Higher Power that wants me to be that being of light and love. I have faith in love - that it is all around me; in the kiss of the sun on my check, the silence of the falling snow, the height of the trees surrounding my house, in the laughter and hugs of my children, and in the loving eyes of my husband.

Maybe I have more faith then I realized.