Holidays approach

Snow blankets the ground all around me. I love this time of year, though this year I admit I'm a little down. Such a mixed bag of emotions at the holiday time. I think this is true for many of us.

We are approaching one of the busiest weeks of the year for us. We have 2 Winter Solstice celebrations to attend, a holiday party for our homeschool co-op and then Christmas Eve with my parents. To top it all off, we've barely begun our shopping.  I'm  looking forward to Christmas day - we spend it just the 4 of us and it'll be a peaceful fun down time after a week or so of craziness.

Jenn's passing has affected me more than I thought. I think of her daily and miss her terribly. She was the one friend I saw and spent time with on a regular basis. I have internet friends that I spend time with every week, but that is in the virtual world. With Jenn we were in physical proximity, with hugs and sharing space and conversation - looking in each other's eyes. I miss that.

I'm looking forward to interactions with others for these celebrations we'll be attending this weekend. I'm hoping that I don't get too overwhelmed and become anxious with lots of people around. I suffered from a inner ear problem a couple of years ago and was housebound for about 9 months then had some serious problems with depression, so I've lost my social skills over the last couple of years. I'm very awkward in group situations and sometimes one on one. Even with people I've known for years. I've changed a lot over the last couple of years and find it difficult to trust people - even the ones that have proven themselves trustworthy. I'm craving more socialization (as are my children) and we've made a start with our new co-op, but I'm missing some of the people from my past and wish that I had the strength and courage to reach out and let them know I'd like spend time with them. I'm too scared though - afraid of being rejected or of making a fool of myself - coming off too needy or just very awkward. So instead I stay home and knit - it's the only thing that really seems to give me purpose these days. Well that and being mom and wife.

All in all though, this has been a better dark time for me. In spite of losing a dear friend recently and dealing with some heavy duty family issues, I'm not feeling as down and depressed as I usually do this time of year. I'm a little down, but no where near as depressed as usual. I have a light to help treat my depression and I haven't been using it, but I don't feel like I need to. Now I just have to continue working toward a healthier body, getting some exercise and hopefully upping my energy level. The depression isn't bad, but I could use some more energy.

In other news......I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop and selling some handmade goods. I was thinking of selling sweaters, fingerless gloves, cowls as well as some sewn things - bags of many sorts - reuseable tea bags, produce bags, shopping bags and reuseable gift bags. First I just have to get some things made up and then I can start selling. I don't know how successful it will be, but I really feel a need to contribute financially to our household and for reasons beyond my control I can't work outside the home right now. I knit all the time anyway, so maybe I can make some money from it.

I'm feeling blessed - I'm filled with gratitude for all I have in my life. My physical balance has returned and I'm striving toward better spiritual, mental and physical balance in my life and just that journey is something to be grateful for. I'm blessed with a loving family and loving pets with a rich spiritual life and a desire for more regular spiritual practice. I'm blessed with talents that help give my life more meaning and I sit here typing in front of a beautiful Christmas/Yule tree that brightens the room and fills my heart with hope. I'm lucky - clean water, heat, a roof over our heads, enough food in our bellies, the basic necessities of life as well as quite a few comforts. We may not be able to afford a lot of expensive gifts this year, but we have what we need and that is gift enough.

journeying on and exploring old paths

Hey everyone, it's been awhile, but I really haven't had a lot to say as of late. I think the darkness that has encompassed this part of the earth has me feeling a bit down - my energy level isn't real high and I seem to be tired a lot. I'm also experiencing some apathy right now. I'm doing a lot of knitting for Christmas/Yule gifts and find that I'm more excited about that than I am about Christmas and Yule themselves. I think I may still be mourning a bit. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about it and just make the decision to be happy or excited and I find it's working pretty well.

Yesterday was a busy day for us. In the search for some passion and real feeling - I went back to my roots or rather a semblance of it. I've been really trying to connect with my Higher Power - the Great Spirit - the Goddess - God or any other name you prefer. My spiritual journey has been very varied over the years and this time of year I often feel a pull to go back to my roots - Christianity. Perhaps it's the plethora of Christian sentiment this time of year, but I have to admit, my own Paganism (yes that is how I spiritually identify) is very strong this time of year with the Winter Solstice approaching. This time of year it feels possible to combine the two - find a way to join my roots with my current Paganism. Not easy to do I can assure you - well not out in the world anyway - in my heart it all feels the same to be honest. Anyway, we as a family (parents more than children) decided to go to the local UU church yesterday. It was a lovely service - a large congregation and I even liked the pastor, but somehow I was disappointed. I couldn't tap into that place of spiritual ecstasy that I strive for and find in my personal practice. Not that the experience was bad, just not what I was hoping for.

I'm looking forward to Yule this year because I know my observance of this holiday will bring me to that spiritual plane I'm looking for. Of course just my mediation at home brings me there often. I'm blessed that way - I find it easy (most days) to just quiet my mind and find that link with Spirit.

After church we did some errands and then went and got our Christmas tree - we celebrate the Solstice as our spiritual holiday and Christmas as a secular holiday, so we have a Christmas tree though we interchange the term Yule tree quite frequently. Anyway we cut our own and out while looking for our tree this year, I found glimpses of that spiritual connectedness and ecstasy I was looking for in church. I was reminded once again that returning to the Earth and all Her goodness is the way for me to connect with my Higher Power. Why I need to constantly be reminded of this I don't know - I guess I'm just a little distracted by everyday life. It's interesting to me that I found "God" in a place other than church - not that S/He wasn't there - S/He was - I felt Him/Her in the presence of the people, but S/He was stronger in nature for me.

Now I think I just did some rambling there, but what it comes down to is, I'm lucky enough to find my Higher Power in simple places and right here in my own heart - I need to stop looking and start being with that Spirit

I'm sitting now in my living room in front of our lit Christmas/Yule tree with snow falling outside the window and Christmas carols playing on the computer and I feel so incredibly blessed. I'm a little overwhelmed with the feeling.

Anyway these are the thoughts that are going through my head today - I thought I'd share them with all of you as a way of experiencing them myself and clarifying what is going on with me in my own mind.

May the coming of the approaching Light bless each and every one of you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for many things. For my family and friends, for those who have supported me through the worst of times and those who left me to fend for myself. I'm thankful for the hardships in my life for they made me who I am and I think I'm turning out pretty spectacularly. I'm thankful to my pets for teaching me about unconditional love. I'm thankful to my children for all the many lessons they teach me - right now it's about letting go and letting them be responsible for their own choices - I can't protect them forever even if I'd like to. I'm thankful for my shortcomings and for all the lessons I've learned, are learning and have yet to learn from them. I'm thankful to my husband for his love, support, mistakes, arguments and just his presence in my life.

Mostly I'm thankful to my Higher Power for bringing all of these blessings into my life and helping me through it all. For giving me an attitude of gratitude and for sticking by me when I refuse to learn.

Blessings to one and all whether it's your Thanksgiving day or not.

did you think I was lost?

Well it's been awhile since I posted. Sorry about that - I got a bit lost there. I just wasn't feeling real great about myself and didn't really have anything to share. I've also been focusing all my extra energy on knitting and writing for Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month). My novel is almost done, so hopefully I'll have more to write about here soon.

I'm trying to give mostly handmade gifts this year. I'm doing a lot of knitting so almost every free moment these days, I'm knitting or writing. The kids are being incredibly supportive as is my beloved.

I just returned from an OA retreat this weekend. What an uplifting experience. I was recharged spiritually. I rediscovered the joy of my Higher Power - the goddess Morrigan made herself know to me in a very real way and I reconnected with my spirit guides as well. I'm feeling very blessed and I'm planning on scheduling more time for my spiritual work from now on.

I've also become more committed to my abstinence. From now on I'm back to 3 meals a day no in between snacks and no sugar. I will no longer poison my body with the sugar that just makes my life more miserable. Will it be easy? No, but I have confidence in my goddess that she will help me through and support me and love me as I strive to develop a healthier relationship with food.

That's about all that's going on with me right now. I'll try to write more often. Hopefully I'll have more to say as my journey continues and my novel is done.

Blessings to all who read this.

ritual in community

I'm pagan - I lean toward the nature worshipper/shaman/druid side of paganism if you are looking for a label or two. I believe much of life and many of the things I do in it are ritual of a sort. Knitting, spinning, listening to music, cooking, etc. all have their places in my spirituality. I try very hard to be mindful in the things I do because that mindfulness opens me up to gratitude which helps open me up to the Divine in all things. That is my religion - love, hope and gratitude.

I've had a very varied and personal spiritual journey and I do not regret any of it. I'm where I am now and who I am now because of the various spiritual paths I have journeyed for a time. I've explored my spirituality publicly and privately, though recently my journey has been very solitary.

I've had the distinct pleasure, in the last month or so, to join some other very special people in public ritual on a couple of occasions. I used to be part of a wonderful group of people in community and I drifted away from them and until I had the chance to spend some time with them again, I hadn't realized how much I missed being part of a community.

I miss my friend Jenn terribly, but I wouldn't change a moment of the past year we had together. Not only was I lucky enough to reconnect with her, but I was welcomed into and became part of a wonderful community of folks who came together to support her and each other as she journeyed toward death. Now she has moved on and some of us have found ways to support each other and celebrate her.

I miss her and I still hurt, but I'm so very grateful that Jenn came back into my life and reminded me how important community is. Not only that, but she showed me that I'm worthy of being part of a community - I do have something to offer. If nothing else I have hope and love to share.

I miss celebrating the Divine with a group of like minded people. I miss learning about myself and my surroundings with others. I miss teaching through my experience and self. Perhaps it's time for me to find some time for myself to spend with others again.  Maybe it's time to slowly begin to allow myself to trust.

social networking

Halloween is coming up and one of my online communities on Facebook is having a Halloween party celebrating one of our favorite couples Chrolli. I'm pretty excited to spend some time with my friends celebrating together, sharing videos, pictures and stories. As a matter of fact I'm considering writing some fanfiction for the occasion myself.

I'm very active on Facebook and have come to appreciate the friendships I've developed. Many of them were found through communities like my Chrolli community. I have found some of my closest friends through groups that follow gay couples in the international television viewing audience. I consider myself very lucky to have found them. Especially those I've met through Chrolli (Christian and Olli from VL) and DeRo (Deniz and Roman from AWZ). These two fictional couples from German television have introduced me to people that have stuck through me through some of the most challenging times of my life.

I've also been lucky enough to have people from my spiritual/pagan community come forward when I was suffering. These are some of my few local friends and my day to day contact with them is also through the internet. I interact most often with people, even if it's just sharing pictures and quotes with each other, online. I know I can reach out to them to ask for support of a spiritual and mental nature and they will be there for me and allow me to be there for them.

One of the things that strikes me about social networking and the way I now interact with people is that when I'm tempted to pull away from life, I have these people's influence in my living room staring me in the face. It's harder to cut myself off from others now. That seems kind of counter intuitive I admit, but it's the truth. I've been hurt by people who I considered friends in the recent past and pulled away from almost all my friends because of it. Facebook has kept me in contact with people and has even led me back to people from my past that still care about me. I wouldn't know that they still wanted to be in my life if it wasn't for the internet. I'd be completely alone with just beloved hubby and my kids to count on.

The flip side to this is that I've started to have a hard time interacting with people physically in person. I just don't know how to act - how to talk to people. This is one of the drawbacks I guess. There needs to be a balance I suppose, but to be honest, if it wasn't for social media, specifically Facebook, I probably wouldn't interact with others at all. I'd only interact with my immediate family and the strangers I come in contact with in the supermarket, the farm market and the yarn store.

I'm truly grateful for my friends on Facebook both local and from far away. I'm grateful that Facebook brought me back to my friend Jenn so that I could be there for her the last year of her life. I was also lucky enough to reconnected with others from that support system. I'm blessed, truly.

invisibility

Today I'm feeling invisible. The alarming part is that I feel as if I deserve to be invisible. I'm not sure where these feelings of inadequacy are coming from. I went to an internet OA meeting today and that seemed to help. At least I didn't feel so alone.

I've really distanced myself from most of the people in my life over the last couple of years, so I suppose this feeling of being lonely is my own fault. Most of my relationships with friends now occur online and while I'm thankful for those friendships, right now I just need a hug. My friend Jenn was one of the few people I've been able to open up to a bit and now she is gone.

I guess part of me feels as though I don't deserve to have any friends. I'm spending a lot of time in self reflection and that means in my experience beating myself up. Now, I know there are wonderful things about me, but I'm doubting all of them not to mention just having a hard time remembering them.

I've worked hard over the last few years to battle and win against depression. These feelings remind me very much of that battle. My usual tools just aren't cutting it. Maybe my grief is just overshadowing my feelings of self worth. I need to remember that I'm allowed to be sad and that doesn't mean I'm going to automatically sink into depression.

All I want to do recently is knit and watch movies and tv shows on Netflix.  On one hand I'm almost done with a sweater for myself, but on the other my interactions with my family and few friends is strained.

I seem to have lost my ability to interact normally with people and that bothers me. I've become painfully shy and if folks aren't willing to come to me I'm not likely to interact at all. When did this happen? It snuck up on me over the last few years.

I'm so grateful for my family. My beloved husband and my beautiful children keep me going. They remind me that I have a beautiful heart that it knows how to love unconditionally. Now I'm going to go back to my knitting cuz that's all I really want to do.