Gratitude plays such an important part in my life. I try to be grateful for all that happens to me - even the challenging stuff (that sometimes take time, though). Of course the important word here is try - I don't always succeed at this goal. Some of the challenging experiences in my life are there and I just can't let go of my negative feelings surrounding them. I replay my feelings regarding them in my head over and over trying to let go and find the gratitude.
I could sit here and list lots of different things I'm grateful for, but this is a post about how gratitude relates to my recovery. I'm grateful for my twelve step program and all the people that have been helped by these programs. I am also grateful for the chance to write about my experiences with my recovery. I find that many people are generally uncomfortable with discussions about recovery, so it's difficult for me to talk about it. Having the opportunity to write about them and share those writings with others, supports my recovery in a very real way. It forces me to be honest with myself and my Higher Power. I'm grateful for those who journey this path of discovery with me - having a community that doesn't judge me and supports me is such a blessing and helps my recovery in such a big way. I'm grateful to my Higher Power for bringing me to the fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous.
I'm grateful for 7 days of abstinence, as that is defined for me. A week of no sugar or white bread feels freeing. Not that it's easy.....I still think about sugary snacks and I'm tempted almost every day to eat those unhealthy foods. I'm grateful for the support of the Universe - my Higher Power as I battle my addiction.
I wish I could say I'm grateful for the addiction itself, because I know there are many lessons and experiences I would miss out on without it. I'm still working on that one. Still trying to get past my feelings of resentment and anger that I'm 'blessed' with a sugar and food addiction. I want nothing more than to be someone who can attend a party and not worry about eating the sugary foods on the table, but that will just lead to a relapse and I will find myself spiraling out of control. I just have to accept that I am someone that can not eat "normally"....... Someday I'll be grateful for this, but not yet.
As you can see, for me gratitude is not something that necessarily just happens, it's something I have to work at. It's something I have to look for in myself and in all the things around me. Sometimes it's obvious and those things are amazing and I'm blessed with them - things like my family and nature, but the things that I have to work for to find my gratitude - those change my thinking and my way of being.
I'm blessed and I'm so grateful for that.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Courage
I don't think of myself as a particularly courageous person, but courage is definitely a presence in my life. I need a certain amount of courage to be as honest with myself as I need to be in my journey of self discovery. I need a certain amount of courage to go against the "norms" of society in regards to the way I eat. I can't eat sugar - any kind of added sugar - in other words white sugar, honey, maple syrup, evaporated cane juice, brown sugar, etc. I'm addicted to the chemical make up of many of these kinds of sweeteners. I also find many artificial sweeteners to be unhealthy so I avoid them too. I stick to stevia as an added sweeetner and the sugars that occur naturally in my foods - fructose, sucrose, complex carbohydrates, etc.
It took courage to write that last paragraph; especially to talk about my addiction. People don't want to hear about it. In my experience they become uncomfortable in my presence if I bring it up, so I want to avoid it - hide it away. I need to be courageous in my honesty - I am an addict - I'm addicted to food - especially sugar. I need outside help to conquer my addiction - I need the loving power of the Universe to bless me and give me strength and courage to face this battle head on. I need the fellowship of a twelve step program. I need the spiritual practices of Shamanism, prayer, meditation and journaling to grow beyond my addiction and to help me find those resources of courage to be honest and faithful.
I think I've found a reserve of courage that I didn't know existed in myself this last few years. I've called on that courage to battle my depression and suicidal thoughts and to deal with family crises with my children. Before I sat down to write this post I never really thought of my actions and work as being courageous, but to do that kind of internal work one has to be. So today's moment of self discovery is that I'm courageous and I need to take that courage and apply it to my recovery, to my abstinence.
It took courage to write that last paragraph; especially to talk about my addiction. People don't want to hear about it. In my experience they become uncomfortable in my presence if I bring it up, so I want to avoid it - hide it away. I need to be courageous in my honesty - I am an addict - I'm addicted to food - especially sugar. I need outside help to conquer my addiction - I need the loving power of the Universe to bless me and give me strength and courage to face this battle head on. I need the fellowship of a twelve step program. I need the spiritual practices of Shamanism, prayer, meditation and journaling to grow beyond my addiction and to help me find those resources of courage to be honest and faithful.
I think I've found a reserve of courage that I didn't know existed in myself this last few years. I've called on that courage to battle my depression and suicidal thoughts and to deal with family crises with my children. Before I sat down to write this post I never really thought of my actions and work as being courageous, but to do that kind of internal work one has to be. So today's moment of self discovery is that I'm courageous and I need to take that courage and apply it to my recovery, to my abstinence.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Faith
Okay this is a hard one to write about for me because my faith has really taken a beating over the last few years. People, experiences and feelings that I had faith in let me down. My faith in humanity, my family and myself has been shaken to the core. But I persevere just the same. I still have hope.
I think faith and hope are very deeply connected - at least in my life. When my faith is faltering there is still hope for me. Hope is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, faith is believing it is there even when you can't see it. I have a hard time keeping the faith.
Maybe my struggle has to do with my hangups about organized religion. When I was a Christian my whole life was about my Faith, now my faith is about my life. Does that make even make sense? My faith used to be about something outside of myself and now it's about myself and the divinity that lives within me, but also tied up with all that is around me. I'm just a part of a whole and that faith comes in to keep me going.
I have to admit as I embark on this journey of recovery - actually as I continue on this journey - I'm re-examining my ides and thoughts about faith. As I try to live my life more and more in the moment (which by the way has always been a goal in my life) and One Day At a Time I realize that faith becomes more and more important and there is an element of faith in something outside of myself that I'm a part of. Call it the Universe, the Higher Power, God, or Goddess, I am a part of that life force, yet somehow it also exists outside myself. I have to have faith that I'm an important part of that Consciousness.
Faith is hard for me, which is interesting. I can remember a time in my life where I had blind faith in a Being greater than myself - what happened to that? I guess I grew up, began questioning, and then started to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual life. Yet somehow I've fallen short of my expectations.
Faith and expectations......how are they different? How do they compare? Perhaps my shortcoming is that I confuse the two. Perhaps what I see as faith is actually an expectation of how I think my life should be or how I think things around me should unfold.
Faith and trust......I suppose there is an element of trust in faith. Trust has become a hot button issue for me. A lot of people betrayed my trust over the last few years and in self defense I turned inward and then betrayed the trust of others. It's a vicious cycle I think. Then some issues in my life caused me to lose trust in myself and that just made matters worse. It is really difficult for me to trust others when I find it hard to trust myself - it's hard to trust that the Universe wants to bless me when my personal life is filled with battles.
This too shall change - that is one thing I have faith in that change is inevitable - it will happen whether I want it to or not. I just need to find faith in the fact that change is good when it is tied into growth. As long as I'm trying then I must have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and I'm learning the lessons I must learn to become the being of light and love that I'm destined to be.
So ultimately I guess I do have faith. Faith that there is a Higher Power that wants me to be that being of light and love. I have faith in love - that it is all around me; in the kiss of the sun on my check, the silence of the falling snow, the height of the trees surrounding my house, in the laughter and hugs of my children, and in the loving eyes of my husband.
Maybe I have more faith then I realized.
I think faith and hope are very deeply connected - at least in my life. When my faith is faltering there is still hope for me. Hope is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, faith is believing it is there even when you can't see it. I have a hard time keeping the faith.
Maybe my struggle has to do with my hangups about organized religion. When I was a Christian my whole life was about my Faith, now my faith is about my life. Does that make even make sense? My faith used to be about something outside of myself and now it's about myself and the divinity that lives within me, but also tied up with all that is around me. I'm just a part of a whole and that faith comes in to keep me going.
I have to admit as I embark on this journey of recovery - actually as I continue on this journey - I'm re-examining my ides and thoughts about faith. As I try to live my life more and more in the moment (which by the way has always been a goal in my life) and One Day At a Time I realize that faith becomes more and more important and there is an element of faith in something outside of myself that I'm a part of. Call it the Universe, the Higher Power, God, or Goddess, I am a part of that life force, yet somehow it also exists outside myself. I have to have faith that I'm an important part of that Consciousness.
Faith is hard for me, which is interesting. I can remember a time in my life where I had blind faith in a Being greater than myself - what happened to that? I guess I grew up, began questioning, and then started to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual life. Yet somehow I've fallen short of my expectations.
Faith and expectations......how are they different? How do they compare? Perhaps my shortcoming is that I confuse the two. Perhaps what I see as faith is actually an expectation of how I think my life should be or how I think things around me should unfold.
Faith and trust......I suppose there is an element of trust in faith. Trust has become a hot button issue for me. A lot of people betrayed my trust over the last few years and in self defense I turned inward and then betrayed the trust of others. It's a vicious cycle I think. Then some issues in my life caused me to lose trust in myself and that just made matters worse. It is really difficult for me to trust others when I find it hard to trust myself - it's hard to trust that the Universe wants to bless me when my personal life is filled with battles.
This too shall change - that is one thing I have faith in that change is inevitable - it will happen whether I want it to or not. I just need to find faith in the fact that change is good when it is tied into growth. As long as I'm trying then I must have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and I'm learning the lessons I must learn to become the being of light and love that I'm destined to be.
So ultimately I guess I do have faith. Faith that there is a Higher Power that wants me to be that being of light and love. I have faith in love - that it is all around me; in the kiss of the sun on my check, the silence of the falling snow, the height of the trees surrounding my house, in the laughter and hugs of my children, and in the loving eyes of my husband.
Maybe I have more faith then I realized.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Honesty
My first thought about honesty is that it doesn't make sense to talk about it unless one is brutally honest, at least to oneself - otherwise what is the point?
I think of myself as an honest person, but I have to admit I do not always tell the truth or at least I lie by omission. Of course I try not to lie to others, but myself - that's another story. I've heard it said that you can't really lie to yourself and I know in my cast this isn't true. I look myself in the mirror and lie all the time about how I feel, how I look, what I'll do. Honesty is hard for me. There I said it. For a long time I'd rather live a life of denial than actually deal with and work through issues in my life. Issues with food, self worth, my kids, my relationships, my marriage - I see a lot more dishonesty in myself than I want to admit.
As much as I want to think of myself as an honest person, but I often find myself being dishonest and sometimes outright lying to save someone's feelings. On the phone telling someone that the kids need me or Duane is calling instead of just admitting that I'm not in the mood to talk. Telling someone I like their hat even if I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen - though in this case I may try to assure them that I'm happy for them as long as they love their ugly hat.
Now, I don't want you to start thinking I'm filled with lies and never tell the truth - that's not the case at all. In my dealings with other people I try to be honest or as my mother taught me "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". I don't set out to be dishonest and I'm certainly not a compulsive liar or anything like that - I think my dishonesty in my dealings with others is probably similar to many others.
There is also the fact that I've been hurt by honesty. I've been hurt badly by that honesty that is bluntly, cruelly honest, the kind of honesty that seems to be used as a weapon to hurt another person. I try to balance honesty with compassion and if something isn't my business I just try to keep my mouth shut.
Now honesty with myself is another matter all together. I lie to myself a lot. I think those lies trickle out to my dealings with others; it becomes easier to lie to others when I am lying to myself and also I often convince myself those lies are true so I perpetuate the lie by sharing it with others.
Wow this is some heavy duty stuff, but as a person in recovery I need to be brutally honest with myself. That doesn't mean I have to start punishing myself - I just need to look in the mirror and honestly admit and accept my shortcomings asking the Universe for the strength and will to grow beyond them and become the person of light and love that I'm destine to be.
Honesty - it's something I'm working on.
Blessings.
I think of myself as an honest person, but I have to admit I do not always tell the truth or at least I lie by omission. Of course I try not to lie to others, but myself - that's another story. I've heard it said that you can't really lie to yourself and I know in my cast this isn't true. I look myself in the mirror and lie all the time about how I feel, how I look, what I'll do. Honesty is hard for me. There I said it. For a long time I'd rather live a life of denial than actually deal with and work through issues in my life. Issues with food, self worth, my kids, my relationships, my marriage - I see a lot more dishonesty in myself than I want to admit.
As much as I want to think of myself as an honest person, but I often find myself being dishonest and sometimes outright lying to save someone's feelings. On the phone telling someone that the kids need me or Duane is calling instead of just admitting that I'm not in the mood to talk. Telling someone I like their hat even if I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen - though in this case I may try to assure them that I'm happy for them as long as they love their ugly hat.
Now, I don't want you to start thinking I'm filled with lies and never tell the truth - that's not the case at all. In my dealings with other people I try to be honest or as my mother taught me "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". I don't set out to be dishonest and I'm certainly not a compulsive liar or anything like that - I think my dishonesty in my dealings with others is probably similar to many others.
There is also the fact that I've been hurt by honesty. I've been hurt badly by that honesty that is bluntly, cruelly honest, the kind of honesty that seems to be used as a weapon to hurt another person. I try to balance honesty with compassion and if something isn't my business I just try to keep my mouth shut.
Now honesty with myself is another matter all together. I lie to myself a lot. I think those lies trickle out to my dealings with others; it becomes easier to lie to others when I am lying to myself and also I often convince myself those lies are true so I perpetuate the lie by sharing it with others.
Wow this is some heavy duty stuff, but as a person in recovery I need to be brutally honest with myself. That doesn't mean I have to start punishing myself - I just need to look in the mirror and honestly admit and accept my shortcomings asking the Universe for the strength and will to grow beyond them and become the person of light and love that I'm destine to be.
Honesty - it's something I'm working on.
Blessings.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Humility
Humility is something I struggle with and not because I come off as a particularly prideful person, but for the opposite reason. Humility isn't just not false pride - it's about knowing myself and my worth. Lack of self worth - something I struggle with by the way - is not the same as humility. Humility means that I know my self worth and understand that I'm not better or worse than anyone else. Let me say that again - Humility means I know my self worth and understand the I am not better or worse than anyone else.
In essence this means lack of self worth is just false humility and in a way is prideful because in trying to make myself less important than I am, I'm making decisions about my worth - who am I to decide? The Universe has made me to be a being of light and love and that has inherent worth. I'm worthy of love - self love as well as any other forms of love and my love freely given is a gift meant to be cherished and valued.
So today - just today 'cuz I'm taking it one day at a time - I'll do my best to remember that false humility isn't real humility and I'm a unique individual of light and love who deserves the blessings the Universe is showering upon me. I'll also remember that my love is a gift and that when others turn away from it - it's not because my love isn't good enough.
Blessings.
In essence this means lack of self worth is just false humility and in a way is prideful because in trying to make myself less important than I am, I'm making decisions about my worth - who am I to decide? The Universe has made me to be a being of light and love and that has inherent worth. I'm worthy of love - self love as well as any other forms of love and my love freely given is a gift meant to be cherished and valued.
So today - just today 'cuz I'm taking it one day at a time - I'll do my best to remember that false humility isn't real humility and I'm a unique individual of light and love who deserves the blessings the Universe is showering upon me. I'll also remember that my love is a gift and that when others turn away from it - it's not because my love isn't good enough.
Blessings.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
ch-ch-ch-changes
Sugar withdrawal is well underway. I'm battling a headache and am feeling like I could crawl out of my skin. All normal for me at this stage of recovery. I know this process, though difficult, will ultimately help me be healthier and happier. Sucks right now though.
Emotionally, I'm struggling. I'm feeling down on myself because I just can't seem to settle. I've all these things I want to do, but I can't settle into any one of them, so I'm flittering about wasting time instead. My emotions and thoughts are just all over the place - more side effects of sugar withdrawal and all temporary, but still disheartening in the moment.
This too shall pass and I will move into a space where I will feel better in my skin, have more energy and be able to focus once again.
Tomorrow I embark on the newest step in my life journey. I'm going to start up a yoga practice tomorrow morning and I'm going to start editing one of my books. I've actually written two novels so far and I'm hoping to publish them both this year and write another.
I will continue with this blog as a place of self discovery and sharing, but I'm hoping to also set up a space either at Livejournal or Wordpress to do some more structured writing like short stories and writing exercises - that sort of thing. I'm not sure if those writings will be public or not yet - I may keep them private.
I'm plugging along doing the best that I can - one day at a time.
Emotionally, I'm struggling. I'm feeling down on myself because I just can't seem to settle. I've all these things I want to do, but I can't settle into any one of them, so I'm flittering about wasting time instead. My emotions and thoughts are just all over the place - more side effects of sugar withdrawal and all temporary, but still disheartening in the moment.
This too shall pass and I will move into a space where I will feel better in my skin, have more energy and be able to focus once again.
Tomorrow I embark on the newest step in my life journey. I'm going to start up a yoga practice tomorrow morning and I'm going to start editing one of my books. I've actually written two novels so far and I'm hoping to publish them both this year and write another.
I will continue with this blog as a place of self discovery and sharing, but I'm hoping to also set up a space either at Livejournal or Wordpress to do some more structured writing like short stories and writing exercises - that sort of thing. I'm not sure if those writings will be public or not yet - I may keep them private.
I'm plugging along doing the best that I can - one day at a time.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
possible vs impossible
Sometimes it seems that things are insurmountable, that they are in fact impossible, but the reality is that there is possibility in any impossibility. It takes faith and acceptance and hope, but it is possible if you can find the belief. Things that are impossible today may very well be possible tomorrow of if not tomorrow then next week or next year. This is a fact that I must remember in my own life. I need to take things one day at a time as I fight my addiction with the help of my Higher Power. This fight - this path seems impossible, but that is not the case. I must cling to my hope and trust in my Higher Power.
Rob Brezsny, an author and astrologist, taught me that the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings. Those blessings are all around even sometimes hidden in mishaps, mistakes and struggles. My addiction is a gift, but I need to accept that gift for the blessing that it is, for the path it has put me on, for the people I've met through it. Sugar will not beat me, because I have community, support and a Higher Power that loves me and gives me strength to take if One Day At A Time.
Rob Brezsny, an author and astrologist, taught me that the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings. Those blessings are all around even sometimes hidden in mishaps, mistakes and struggles. My addiction is a gift, but I need to accept that gift for the blessing that it is, for the path it has put me on, for the people I've met through it. Sugar will not beat me, because I have community, support and a Higher Power that loves me and gives me strength to take if One Day At A Time.
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