Prayer for a beautiful day

Step 3: Made a decisions to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him (or Her).

For me this step is about prayer. I have a complicated relationship with prayer. I would say, for me, prayer has changed into intentional action. I try to do the small things in my life with intention giving that over to my Higher Power.

I always felt uncomfortable trying to have a conversation with God, it felt forced a lot of the time. Just a little chit chat with this Being that is keeping the Universe up and running seemed so petty to me. Because of this I've found this step to be challenging.

I do spend at least 10 -15 minutes a day in listening to my Higher Power. I sit cross legged after my yoga 3 days a week and just quietly listening to ocean sounds the other days. I work on quieting my mind to hear the messages the Universe is trying to convey to me. I think listening is more important than talking, so that is where I give my will to that Higher Power that loves me and knows me so completely. She already knows when I think it so She doesn't need me to say it.

Wow I just had a realization; prayer isn't for my Higher Power - it's for me. Saying the words makes them more real. HP already knows, but sometimes until I say it I don't really know it. I need to say it - preferably out loud so I know in my heart that I've made that decision. That makes it easier to remember and commit to the decision that I give it all over to Her.

Look at that I learned something about myself this morning.

I've been thinking about why I write this blog, sharing my experiences, thoughts, journey. I mean I really am opening myself to all kinds of criticism and judgement, then I saw this:

and I know - this is one of the reasons I share so honestly and openly about myself. 

Then writing today I realized that this isn't all. I also write to learn about myself; to have those A-HA moments that I'm so fond of. Today I had one and doesn't that make it a beautiful day. 

GOMU

Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Now I have to admit I got hung up on this step for a long time. My concept of a Higher Power is very different than the Judeo-Christian concept I grew up with. I do believe in a power outside of myself that interacts with me and the universe in positive ways. I don't believe He/She is limited by the parameters of any organized religion. I think organized religion is a tool given to us by that Higher Power to help us relate to something so much bigger than ourselves that we cannot grasps It's magnitude. I also believe that we are called to different paths by that same Higher Power based on how we will best find Him or Her or It.

The language of twelve step programs is very much in line with the Judeo-Christianity of my youth and having moved away from that and even having some personal hangups about it, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept that the loving God/Goddess that I worship can be the same as the one talked about in program. In my heart I believe that all gods are one god and all goddess one goddess and that the Divine of the Universe is loving and all powerful showing us different faces, but putting that faith into practice is harder than it seems.

For me it took some really wonderful loving self described Christians in my regular OA meeting to finally find some peace with this. Some of the language adopted by the program definitely helps. The term Higher Power or GOMU (God of My Understanding) have definitely helped. But honestly, it's been the kindness, compassion, and unconditional love that I've experienced from my fellows in OA that have really helped me the most. What a gift we are to each other. My brothers and sisters my not understand completely how I worship, interact with and relate to my Higher Power but they accept me and that relationship for the gift that it is. They open their minds and their hearts to me and show me the very love that my Higher Power feels for me.

Do I still sometimes struggle? Yes I do, but I think that's to be expected. Being called to a path trod by few can be challenging. Being constantly questioned and judged for believing differently than others is hard. I know that I shouldn't care what others think of me or my path - what matters is the loving relationship I have with my Goddess, but.......I know that there are those I care about that don't understand and don't agree with my choices. I'm a people pleaser - I like others to love me and accept me as I am and knowing that they on some level want to change me is upsetting.

One thing I am sure of is that I love my Higher Power and I could not embark on this journey of recovery and self discovery without Her. The deepening of that relationship through prayer, meditation and study is such a blessing to me. I feel stronger in my faith every day and with the work I am doing I will just be further blessed and loved all the days of my life.

Just Do It

Step One - We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

That about sums it up. I'm on day 10 of abstinence and still food holds an un-natural sway over me. I think about sugar A LOT. I know my body is addicted and I know that living a journey of recovery is the only way I (emphasis on I here) will survive. It's the only way I will find my way back to health.

There are so many ways my life has become unmanageable. Since I've begun back on the road to recovery I've set up a schedule for myself and I'm sticking to it. I do yoga 3 times a week, meditate for at least 10 minutes every morning, edit for an average of 2-3 hours a day, write on my blog every day, knit every day working on getting some projects done and spend more time on the girl's homeschooling. This week, I've added a daily online OA meeting to help me keep focused and some cardio exercise to help get me more in shape. All in all life is definitely getting more manageable.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting blankly sitting at my computer doing nothing - staring into space thinking about what I should be doing or what I could be eating. Do I still have moments of staring? Sure, but now they are moments not long blocks of time. I'm also spending more time thinking about my spirituality and practicing meditation and prayer bringing me closer to my Higher Power.

Why I have this messed up relationship with food? Well that's pretty complicated; I could probably speak to that for hours and there is definitely a place in my life for that knowledge. But recovery is action - as the old Nike advertisement used to say - 'Just Do It' - that's what I'm doing. I'm putting aside my excuses, my procrastination and I'm just doing it. I'm exercising, I'm praying, I'm planning my meals and tracking my food, I'm reading OA and AA literature, I'm attending meetings, and I'm avoiding all sugar. I'm 'Just Doing It' and it feels great.

Service

Okay, service is an important part of recovery. Helping those who are also in recovery is a cornerstone of a 12 step program, and I try to do my part leading meetings when I'm called to and being there for my brothers and sisters.

I have to admit I'm not doing real great with this one. I'm a mom, fulltime and homeschooling, and that is a life of service. To be brutally honest I sometimes resent it. I have little time to myself when I don't have to be available to someone else - my time is spend taking care of others. Now that the kids are older it doesn't require the same kind of care as it did when they were babies, but in our particular family a parent needs to always be available. My beloved works full time to support us financially so the kids fall automatically to me. Now I love being a fulltime mom, but sometimes I resent that I can't go out and get a job and spend time with other adults. I have very little energy left in my day to give service outside my family and I struggle with taking care of myself, so that important self care takes up what little time I have leftover. Hence I'm not real great being of service in my program.

I'm also trying to get over my own insecurities regarding relationships, so that also makes service a bit challenging. Interacting with my fellows is still difficult for me. My self esteem is low enough that I expect to be turned away. My issues are not anyone else's, but once again they make service challenging.

I don't know what else to say on this subject - I want to be better at service, but I'm still a work in progress. I guess I'll just keep plugging along doing the best I can knowing that I'm right where I supposed to be learning the lessons I'm meant to learn. Service will come - I'll get there.

Gratitude

Gratitude plays such an important part in my life. I try to be grateful for all that happens to me - even the challenging stuff (that sometimes take time, though). Of course the important word here is try - I don't always succeed at this goal. Some of the challenging experiences in my life are there and I just can't let go of my negative feelings surrounding them. I replay my feelings regarding them in my head over and over trying to let go and find the gratitude.

I could sit here and list lots of different things I'm grateful for, but this is a post about how gratitude relates to my recovery. I'm grateful for my twelve step program and all the people that have been helped by these programs. I am also grateful for the chance to write about my experiences with my recovery. I find that many people are generally uncomfortable with discussions about recovery, so it's difficult for me to talk about it. Having the opportunity to write about them and share those writings with others, supports my recovery in a very real way. It forces me to be honest with myself and my Higher Power. I'm grateful for those who journey this path of discovery with me - having a community that doesn't judge me and supports me is such a blessing and helps my recovery in such a big way. I'm grateful to my Higher Power for bringing me to the fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous.

I'm grateful for 7 days of abstinence, as that is defined for me. A week of no sugar or white bread feels freeing. Not that it's easy.....I still think about sugary snacks and I'm tempted almost every day to eat those unhealthy foods. I'm grateful for the support of the Universe - my Higher Power as I battle my addiction.

I wish I could say I'm grateful for the addiction itself, because I know there are many lessons and experiences I would miss out on without it. I'm still working on that one. Still trying to get past my feelings of resentment and anger that I'm 'blessed' with a sugar and food addiction. I want nothing more than to be someone who can attend a party and not worry about eating the sugary foods on the table, but that will just lead to a relapse and I will find myself spiraling out of control. I just have to accept that I am someone that can not eat "normally"....... Someday I'll be grateful for this, but not yet.

As you can see, for me gratitude is not something that necessarily just happens, it's something I have to work at. It's something I have to look for in myself and in all the things around me. Sometimes it's obvious and those things are amazing and I'm blessed with them - things like my family and nature, but the things that I have to work for to find my gratitude - those change my thinking and my way of being.

I'm blessed and I'm so grateful for that.

Courage

I don't think of myself as a particularly courageous person, but courage is definitely a presence in my life. I need a certain amount of courage to be as honest with myself as I need to be in my journey of self discovery. I need a certain amount of courage to go against the "norms" of society in regards to the way I eat. I can't eat sugar - any kind of added sugar - in other words white sugar, honey, maple syrup, evaporated cane juice, brown sugar, etc. I'm addicted to the chemical make up of many of these kinds of sweeteners. I also find many artificial sweeteners to be unhealthy so I avoid them too. I stick to stevia as an added sweeetner and the sugars that occur naturally in my foods - fructose, sucrose, complex carbohydrates, etc.

It took courage to write that last paragraph; especially to talk about my addiction. People don't want to hear about it. In my experience they become uncomfortable in my presence if I bring it up, so I want to avoid it - hide it away. I need to be courageous in my honesty - I am an addict - I'm addicted to food - especially sugar. I need outside help to conquer my addiction - I need the loving power of the Universe to bless me and give me strength and courage to face this battle head on. I need the fellowship of a twelve step program. I need the spiritual practices of Shamanism, prayer, meditation and journaling to grow beyond my addiction and to help me find those resources of courage to be honest and faithful.

I think I've found a reserve of courage that I didn't know existed in myself this last few years. I've called on that courage to battle my depression and suicidal thoughts and to deal with family crises with my children. Before I sat down to write this post I never really thought of my actions and work as being courageous, but to do that kind of internal work one has to be. So today's moment of self discovery is that I'm courageous and I need to take that courage and apply it to my recovery, to my abstinence.

Faith

Okay this is a hard one to write about for me because my faith has really taken a beating over the last few years. People, experiences and feelings that I had faith in let me down. My faith in humanity, my family and myself has been shaken to the core. But I persevere just the same. I still have hope.

I think faith and hope are very deeply connected - at least in my life. When my faith is faltering there is still hope for me. Hope is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, faith is believing it is there even when you can't see it. I have a hard time keeping the faith.

Maybe my struggle has to do with my hangups about organized religion. When I was a Christian my whole life was about my Faith, now my faith is about my life. Does that make even make sense? My faith used to be about something outside of myself and now it's about myself and the divinity that lives within me, but also tied up with all that is around me. I'm just a part of a whole and that faith comes in to keep me going.

I have to admit as I embark on this journey of recovery - actually as I continue on this journey - I'm re-examining my ides and thoughts about faith. As I try to live my life more and more in the moment (which by the way has always been a goal in my life) and One Day At a Time I realize that faith becomes more and more important and there is an element of faith in something outside of myself that I'm a part of. Call it the Universe, the Higher Power, God, or Goddess, I am a part of that life force, yet somehow it also exists outside myself. I have to have faith that I'm an important part of that Consciousness.

Faith is hard for me, which is interesting. I can remember a time in my life where I had blind faith in a Being greater than myself - what happened to that? I guess I grew up, began questioning, and then started to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual life. Yet somehow I've fallen short of my expectations.

Faith and expectations......how are they different? How do they compare? Perhaps my shortcoming is that I confuse the two. Perhaps what I see as faith is actually an expectation of how I think my life should be or how I think things around me should unfold.

Faith and trust......I suppose there is an element of trust in faith. Trust has become a hot button issue for me. A lot of people betrayed my trust over the last few years and in self defense I turned inward and then betrayed the trust of others. It's a vicious cycle I think. Then some issues in my life caused me to lose trust in myself and that just made matters worse. It is really difficult for me to trust others when I find it hard to trust myself - it's hard to trust that the Universe wants to bless me when my personal life is filled with battles.

This too shall change - that is one thing I have faith in that change is inevitable - it will happen whether I want it to or not. I just need to find faith in the fact that change is good when it is tied into growth. As long as I'm trying then I must have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and I'm learning the lessons I must learn to become the being of light and love that I'm destined to be.

So ultimately I guess I do have faith. Faith that there is a Higher Power that wants me to be that being of light and love. I have faith in love - that it is all around me; in the kiss of the sun on my check, the silence of the falling snow, the height of the trees surrounding my house, in the laughter and hugs of my children, and in the loving eyes of my husband.

Maybe I have more faith then I realized.