I'm feeling a little guilty right now. I made a decision today to not join in with a homeschool co-op that is meeting near our house. Part of me feels like I should for the kids' sake, especially for the girl, but with my commitments to our other homeschool co-op, OA, training on my bike, and my other spiritual work I just think it would be too much. The question is should I cut back my stuff for the sake of my kids?
It's difficult making these kinds of decisions. As a parent my first instinct is to just go for it if it'll make my kids happy, but then I have to stop and take stock of the whole situation. Yes, my kids would probably have fun, but I would end up stressed out and cranky all the time and that wouldn't be good for any of us.
Right now I'm in a pretty good place. I've been abstinent for over 6 months, I'm attending meetings regularly, I'm doing step work with my sponsor, I'm in close contact with my Higher Power daily, I'm riding my bike, and I've just started another program of self discovery a couple of friends published. This work I'm doing is important. I need to find time for it all because ultimately my work makes me a better person and that makes me a better wife and mother.
I'm already committing to 2 hours of classes and an hour of a knitting group plus being the adult advisor for the teen group and on one of the committees for our Thursday co-op. Adding more to my plate right now just wouldn't be good for me.
Reading over this so far, I'm embarrassed by how many "I"'s there are. I feel selfish and self centered. Now this blog is about me and my journey, so it makes sense that I would use a lot of "I" statements, but my instinct in reading this is to push myself aside.
See what I mean? Finding the balance that I need to take care of myself and my family is damn hard!! I need to remember that taking care of myself is taking care of my family. That's a hard one. I'm used to sacrificing myself for others. Putting myself aside and doing. This pattern has led me to self destruction more than once - the last ultimately ended in a suicide attempt. My depression and that struggle is real, my addiction is real, and I need to be honest with myself and take care of myself or I just become incapable of helping anyone else.
So, I made a decision that I feel was best for me and by extension for my family. It may not be a popular decision and I may on some level feel I should be able to do more, but I think it's the right decision.
Now I just need to let go of the guilt.....