Monday, March 31, 2014

a daily decision

Okay - step 3 - "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the the care of God as we understood Him" (or in my case Her)

This is an active step. I need to make a decision and that can be hard for me - especially the thought of giving up that much control of my life. I spend so much of my time taking responsibility not only for my own actions, but the actions of others. If there is a way to, I will take the blame. This step seems like a cop out to me. I give my will and life over to my Goddess, but but but - there are no buts to this step.

I'm the one taking this step - I'm the one making the decisions, so I'm not ducking out of my responsibility - I'm facing my responsibility and making the decision that will lead me to serenity, acceptance, peace, and ultimately abstinence.

I do this step every morning during my meditation time. I start by praying and giving this day - giving my will over to my Higher Power. I make this decision anew every day knowing that abstinence and serenity are some of the things my Higher Power wants for me. I trust - I surrender - giving myself over to something greater than myself. It's an empowering and peaceful moment for me every morning. Then I try to empty my mind and just listen. Some days I'm more successful than others.

This is a decision that I have to make every day sometimes more than once in a day if I find myself wandering off my path. I pull myself back with prayer to my Higher Power and somehow it becomes easier to do the right thing.

I'm called for this to be a lifelong journey, so I have to stop looking ahead and thinking what if. I need to just focus on one day at a time and let my Goddess take care of tomorrow.

Today I give my will and myself over to you dear Morrigan to do as you will. Bless me and keep me strong as I battle my addiction alongside you. Blessed be.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

hope & gratitude

This is my new profile picture on Facebook. I love it. It represents something very special to me. The summer I lost my son Arlo there was an enormous hatching of monarch butterflies - I saw them everywhere. One of the many symbolic meanings of butterflies is life after death or rebirth, so for me monarch butterflies came to represent the rebirth of my little Arlo. 

Now, you take that personal meaning and add my name to it - wow profound stuff. Hope means a lot to me. As my name I think of it as a personal journey and what I'm meant to bring to those who come into my life. I don't know that I succeed, but my personal journey has definitely been one about discovering hope in my life.

I'm grateful for those lessons about hope. I have it in abundance now. I'm filled with it especially in regards to my recovery from addiction. I have faith and hope that I will recover to find physical, spiritual and mental health. I will continue to learn to live in the beautiful vessel the Universe has seen fit to gift me with. I have hope that the path I am now on will bring me future greater physical health and I will be able to once again do a lot of the things I would like to (like backpacking along the Appalachian Trail). 

I believe that one of the major tools to finding hope in my life is gratitude. When I find gratitude in my heart than that just showers me with more hope for things to come. And I'm blessed to have many gratitudes in my life, my family, my friends, the Earth, my Higher Power, the 12 Steps, AA and OA literature, my pets, myself, my experience, strength and hope, and all of you taking the time out of your busy (or maybe not so busy) lives to read this blog.

What blessings the Universe has showered me with! What blessings and hopes has the Universal Higher Power blessed you with today? I'd love to hear about them. Feel free to share them here or on my Facebook page. Let's fill the world with just a little more gratitude. 

Blessings to you all.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

What do I really know?

It is impossible to begin to learn that
which one thinks one already knows.

I had to read this one a few times before I really got it. Read again if you have to. I'll wait.......okay? It's a hard quote to get my head around. It was the reading in my OA book For Today from this morning. It of course got me thinking.

One of the things that I had to do when I came into the OA program is to have faith in the steps. Unfortunately I was so busy lying to myself that I knew it all and had it all figured out to find that faith. I was already a spiritual person, but I wasn't a Christian so deep down inside I felt like it couldn't work for me. I had a couple of months of abstinence and lost some weight, but then I relapsed and sugar gained control of my life once again. It was humbling to say the least.

But then last autumn I went on an OA retreat. There was a wonderful speaker and the work of the weekend was an extensive study of the 12 steps. Now I never got past step 3 - to be honest I never really got past step 1 because I was stuck on the language of the Big Book and the steps all the talk of God made me feel like my Goddess wasn't right and that I was wrong; I would never fit in and I would never find "real" abstinence. Now, I have to be clear here - this was my own stuff - I was never excluded because of my spirituality and there is lots of language that is inclusive - the terms Higher Power and GOMU (God Of My Understanding) are both inclusive terms meant to help agnostics and those of other spiritualities find their place in OA (or any other 12 step program for that matter). I and my Goddess were being welcomed with open arms - I just didn't see it because I knew better.

I had a spiritual awakening that weekend. My Goddess Morrigan came to me - She sent crows outside the window to catch my attention and when I began to listen She spoke to me telling me She was with me helping me and supporting me. She is a Goddess of war and I've always been a little afraid of what she stands for, but she was clear that my battle with addiction is just that a battle so why wouldn't it make sense to have Her on my side. It was an a-ha moment that filled me with such peace and joy and hope.

Now admittedly it did take me another 3 or 4 months to surrender and do what I knew I needed to, to welcome abstinence into my life. But I opened the lines of communication with Her that weekend and we are good now. I pray everyday and take time to listen in meditation. I also use my body to worship by practicing yoga at least 3 days a week.

Everything has changed in the last 29 days but the changes that are evident started that Saturday in November when I looked out the window on that sunny day and saw three crows flying back and forth trying to get my attention.


Thursday, March 27, 2014



I love this definition of insanity and it really describes the insane relationship I have with food. I would use any excuse I could to eat things that weren't healthy for me and then expect that this time I wouldn't have a food hangover the next morning or that it would actually make me feel better about whatever situation I was eating over - if eating didn't solve my problems of loneliness yesterday why would I think it would today?

I have a really messed up relationship with food. I keep expecting foods, especially sugary foods to make me feel better. There is a certain visceral experience to eating these foods - the feel of them in my mouth are what attracts me to them - I feel more connected to something outside myself. But it's a lie and no amount of wishing is going to change that. For me, sugar is a poison and that pint of ice cream I ate last night that gave me a hangover this morning is going to do the same thing tomorrow - that plate of cookies I made to nurture my family is going to be eaten by me - they'll be lucky if they get even one each. Insanity!!

I have 26 days of abstinence today - that means 26 days of no sugar, 3 meals a day no in between snacks, no processed foods - I feel so much better than when I was deep into the food. That visceral connection I was looking for I now find in yoga and meditation - in my connection with a great Earth Goddess who is my Higher Power who fills me with love and peace and hope. Instead of eating to find that experience, I take time out of my day every day to search out - reach out for that connection and to find and experience self love.

I've stopped the insanity or at least held it at bay with the intercession of my Higher Power, my studies of the 12 steps, and of course the support and love of my fellows in OA. Truly how blessed am I? How grateful I am for my Higher Power, for the freedom in this country to worship the way I feel called to. How thankful am I for the love and acceptance I find around me if I just take the time to look. The Blessings all around me touch my life in a much more real way now that my mind is not stuffed with the fog of compulsive overeating and sugar addiction. I enjoy everything so much more - I've discovered an ability to focus my time and get more done.

My day is pretty simple, but oh so profound in it's simplicity. I write every day now - on this blog and working on writing projects. I actually believe that my dream of publishing one of my novels will come to fruition. How exciting is that? A brand new dream - just discovered a couple of years ago - and I can make it come true now that I don't have sugar and overeating standing in my way. 

And it's so much easier to face, conquer, and move beyond those fears that I talked about yesterday. 

Does my life look sane from the outside? Probably not - I'm not the picture of conformity and many believe conformity = sanity. To me sanity = peace, peace in my heart that tells me what I'm doing is right and following the will of my Higher Power. 

It's weird to be at peace with myself - it's weird to love myself - but it's also freeing. I still fight it - that insanity that I've lived with for so long is comfortable and familiar; shaking up my life this way is challenging, oh but the peace and self love is so worth it. 

I'm beating the insanity of my addictions and I'm growing into the being of light and love I was meant to be. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the correct path for me. My journey is long and has had a lot of bumps in the road, but look how far I've come - just a couple of years ago I was in the hospital because I had lost all hope and wanted to end it all. Now look at me. 

Blessings to all of you reading this blog. I hope you all find something in it that speaks to you. Thank you for your support and love. Please continue to like and comment here and on facebook.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Reflections on fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -
not absence of fear."
                                                                                  Mark Twain

I've been thinking about fear a lot over the last couple of days and how much power I give this emotion in my life. There are a few experiences and decisions that I'm avoiding because of fear. Things I want for myself, but fear stands in my way. 

It's like a wall between me and my goal - standing strong or maybe crumbling along the edges, but present nonetheless. It's up to me to turn to my Higher Power and take the strength of Her love to knock it down and find freedom. .......But, I'm scared.

There are a couple of wonderful friends that I feel called to spend some time with, but I'm afraid to contact them. Fear of rejection right there. One of them has even suggested we get together, yet still I'm afraid.

I'm also stalled in my step work in OA because I really need to be working with a sponsor to proceed most efficiently. I'm afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. Once again fear of rejection, but in this case also fear of making the wrong choice - fear of failure.

Those are probably 2 of my biggest fears - rejection and failure. I avoid so much in my life because of these 2 fears. What's sad is that not only am I missing out on relationships, but I'm depriving others of the joy that it would to have a relationship with me. I admit it - it's hard to believe that others may want to be friends with me. Deep down inside I know that I have a lot to offer others - I'm kind, compassionate, loving, talented, nonjudgmental - all things I look for in others, so why wouldn't others want to be friends with me?

This is one of my biggest struggles - fear - fear that I just won't ever be good enough. 

Now the interesting thing about fear is that, for me, it's double edged. I'm not only afraid of failure, but I'm also afraid of success. What if I prove I am good enough? I'd have to stop beating myself up and I'd no longer have the need to punish myself for my shortcomings. That's pretty intense stuff to think about. Not only am I afraid of failure I'm afraid of success, not only am I afraid of rejection, I'm also afraid of acceptance because that would prove I'm wrong about myself and that I am worthy of being a friend. That could be fear of change. 

Now fear isn't all bad. Yup the Libra in me now rears up her head to point out the sometimes fear helps us. Maybe I have fear because I'm not ready yet, maybe my fear is protecting me. For instance, I'm afraid of heights - they make me dizzy. Fear keeps me away from the edge of high places so when I get dizzy I won't fall. This is obviously a very simplistic example, but I think you know what I mean. I think we all know deep down inside when fear is serving us and when it is blocking us. 

At this point in my recovery - my spiritual journey - fear is really standing in my way. The wall is crumbling, but it's not down yet. I know what my spirit wants and needs, but my fear is still trying to protect me when I may not really need to be protected. It's like a big brother who doesn't want me to take care of myself. 

It's time.....Time to grow beyond my fear......To call on my Higher Power to help me master my fear.....To face those fears and knock them down with the sledgehammer of Her love......It's time.

Blessings to all of you as you face your fears or use them to your benefit to protect yourselves.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Every Day

care in wishing

"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."

This was part of my OA reading today. How many times have I prayed for something or wished for something to have that wish come true in a twisted way that just made me feel worse? It's hard not wishing, but so worth it to live in a place of gratitude for what I already have, because I honestly have so much.

For instance, I used to work third shift at LLBean. I loved my job and the people I worked with, but the hours were killing me. I remember wishing I could stay home again and be a stay at home mom. Then I got sick - I had an inner ear problem that caused me to completely lose balance at very inconvenient times, eventually getting so bad that I would fall every time I tried to do anything. I ended up walking with a walker. It took a long time for doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I had to take a leave from work - I was a stay at home mom again - not in the way I intended, but that eventually let to a serious depression that caused me to be hospitalized and I had to come to the realization that third shift was not right for me and would only contribute to further problems with depression. I ended up leaving my job. 

Eventually this was a blessing. I'm now a stay at home mom again, but wow was the pathway here a challenge. Being sick in this way was really really hard on me and even more so on my family. My kids lost their mom for a couple of years. I'm back now, working hard to become a better version of me and I'm loving myself more than I have in a long time. Some bad stuff happened on the way here. My kids really went through a lot. Hopefully they have come out the other side stronger and wiser, but I still feel I should have been able to protect them. In trying to protect them I think I may have made things worse. 

Trickle down is happening. Our whole family is in a better place now - it took a long time to get here though. All because I wanted to be a stay at home mom again. I wish I had just had the strength to quit my job back then, though I still may very well have gone through all this to get to where I am now. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to make the necessary changes in our life for growth and health.

Now I try, and I think mostly succeed, to live in the moment - day by day grateful for the mistakes and choices I've made - for those things are what have made me the person I am today. Today I celebrate that. I'm grateful for this moment, this day. I'm right where I'm supposed to be learning what I need to learn. 

Blessings all.

Monday, March 24, 2014

step 2

Today begins my study of step 2 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This book is the go to for study of any twelve step program. So even though I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict, this book written for alcoholics, is relevant to my recovery. I just replace the word alcohol with food. It works. Anyway, step 2 - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

My behaviors and attitudes about food, have in the past been insane. I could sit here and type up all kinds of embarrassing behaviors, but suffice it to say - I was insane - I am insane in many ways and my insanity with food bleeds into other behaviors in my life.

This step teaches me that my powerless over food - learned in step one - has lead to my insane behavior which I can not change without a Power greater than myself. That's pretty big stuff. Now in a 12 step program it is important to remember that one's Higher Power is the God of My Understanding. I got really stuck on the step for a long time because my faith is outside the parameters of Judeo-Christian philosophy and I really got stuck on the word God. My divinity is feminine in nature - for me a Mother figure is much easier to relate to. The language of a lot of the writing in my 12 step program OA (Overeaters Anonymous) is based on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous which was written by men for men in the 1930's. Sometimes that makes it hard for me to relate to.

I need to open my mind and my heart to my Higher Power to see the way these writings relate to me. Right now I've begun using a book called The Little Red Book for Women to help me study the Big Book. It's really helped me find truth in a tool written for a different audience. However, whether male or female, we all need Something Greater than ourselves to find abstinence and sobriety.

Every day, I begin my day with yoga and/or meditation and during that time I pray. I pray to my Higher Power (a Celtic goddess, Morrigan) to take my day and do with as She wills. In the quiet of my heart I always hear that she wants me to be healthy in my choices. I take the time everyday to give it over to Her and I can feel Her support and love flow through my soul leading me to sanity.

My sanity has been restored One Day At A Time through the intercession of my Higher Power and I feel so blessed that I found OA and AA to teach me the tools I need to find abstinence. I have been gifted 23 days of abstinence by my Higher Power and I will continue to take this journey path by path, step by step, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I will be grateful for every breath I take.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Little Blessings

The first flowers of spring.
I have snow drops growing along the edge of my driveway and seeing them bloom first thing in the spring fills me with such joy, faith and hope. I'm really looking forward to seeing these little blessings bloom with the crocuses. They are little promised the Great Mother has made with all of us that the cycles of the Mother continue.

Just my thought for the day.

Saturday, March 22, 2014


I have a disease, an addiction that compromises my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict. Both of these conditions have contributed to break downs in my own mental and spiritual health as well as in my relationships with others and myself. I've found a spiritual program to treat my addiction, but does that mean I can ignore the physical?

No. For me, true health includes emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Having said that I believe that in order to reach physical health I need to work on the spiritual.

I've done a lot of work over the years on my mental/emotional and spiritual health. I've been lazy with my physical health, but working the steps of OA and starting a spiritual/physical practice in yoga are all ways I can return myself to balanced holistic health.

Fancy word holistic. According to the dictionary, one meaning is: of or relating to the medical consideration of the whole person, physically and psychologically, in the treatment of the disease.

For me that means in order to get whole health I have to treat my whole person starting with the spiritual - that connection with a Power greater than myself. I've already proven I cannot fight this addiction on my own - I can't even find the will to fight it, but with the help of my Higher Power and the fellows in OA that She has brought me to I can and will find holistic health.

Honestly, my spiritual connection has never really been in doubt - I've always acknowledged and found comfort in a Higher Power, in my case, showing Herself to me as a great Earth Goddess who nurtures and loves me unconditionally. I've worshiped in my heart, in ritual, and in journeying, but I've never given this struggle - the struggle for physical health over to that Goddess. I never really considered that I should. I look this way and feel this way through my own fault so I felt I had to get better on my own. How egotistical of me. I had no problem asking a therapist for help with my emotional and psychological health using prayer and meditation to find that, I had no problem asking my lovely local shamans for health with the spiritual and emotional, and I looked to my doctor for help with the psychological and physical, but never thought to ask my spiritual Source for help with the physical. If prayer and meditation can help with my spiritual, emotional, and psychological health then it only makes sense to call on that spirituality for the physical as well. Especially since I could no longer even find the will to do it myself.

Through a holistic approach focusing on the spiritual tools in my arsenal, I have managed 21 days of abstinence - 21 days of 3 meals a day - no in between eating, no added sugar, no compulsive eating to try to numb my emotional and spiritual pain. I've blogged every day, meditated every day, done yoga 3 days a week, and attended many online OA meetings. I've turned this addiction over to my Higher Power and I feel better, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm finding holistic health.

Admittedly, I'm in my honeymoon phase. It all feels fresh and new. I don't expect a crash, but it could happen and if it does I can write here about it, I can call an OA friend, I can go to a meeting, I can take time out to prayer or meditate. I have tools that I can replace food with. I'm blessed to have a loving Higher Power that cares and supports me and gives me strength to do the work I need to do to find holistic health.

Friday, March 21, 2014

little blessings

Is it so small a thing
To have enjoyed the sun
To have lived light in the spring
To have love, to have thought,
to have done?
by Matthew Arnold
(taken from For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous Inc.)

One thing I think I'm good at is seeing the little blessings in life as something important in my world, something to be grateful for. I think I'm conscious of the little things in life; the sunrise or sunset, a hug from someone I love, the kisses of my dog, the purrs of a cat, the birds outside my window, that first sip of coffee first thing in the morning.

This morning I had one of those moments. I was doing my yoga warmup and working on my core and I realized the movements that I was doing were easier than they were on Wednesday when I last did my yoga practice. I was so excited and so grateful that I could see the differences in my body as I work on strengthening and stretching my body toward more health. Not only did I notice the difference but the girl did and she made a point of letting me know she noticed. How blessed am I to have the support of my 10 year old as I try to make positive changes in my life? I'm so grateful for my yoga and for my daughter.

So many of my blessings are little things and really, don't all those little things make up most of life? They fill up the time and space between the big things and there are more of them than the big things. If I spend the time noticing the little things, I spend more of my time in a place of gratitude and that brings me closer to my Higher Power.

I challenge you to take a look around you today and try to find just one little blessing in your life that seems small, but is really big. Take a moment to feel gratitude for that one little blessing - it could change your life. If you feel led please take a minute or two to share that blessing with  me here or on my Facebook page.

Blessings are all around us. Look See!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Happy First Day of Spring or Blessed Ostara

The following picture is dawn on the Spring Equinox at Stonehenge. It represents for me the promise of Spring and the launch of a new season with a new dawn.

We're celebrating Ostara (or the Spring Equinox) this morning with 3 or 4 inches of new snow that fell last night. This morning it's drizzling rain and it seems as though winter will never end.

But I know it will. I have faith and hope for the future. Spring with singing birds and fresh green grass will come and I'll plant a garden and maybe do my yoga outside. I just have to remind myself to be patient.

This is a good time of year for cleansing. I've already been working on that with my abstinence. I've cut all sugar out of my diet and have done so successfully for 20 days now. Ten more days and I'll have reached 30 days of abstinence. Yay me!

I'm thinking of doing a personal retreat and fasting cleanse for 24 hours at or around the 1st of April. I'll spend some time on my own, cleansing my mind, spirit and body. I'm not sure yet if it will be possible, but it's being considered.

This really is a special time of year. A time of new beginnings of rebirth or growth. I love it. As the weather gets warmer and the ground gets muddier I feel renewed with vibrant living energy. The best part is that here in Maine it happens gradually so I have time. I have time to wake slowly from my winter slumber, to blink my eyes at the brightening sun and peel off my layers bit by bit. I love this time of year - oh let's be honest I love all times of the year. I feel the cycles of the earth in the seasons reflected in my emotions and physical experiences.

A plow truck just drove by - it's the first day of Spring, but there is no rush. I just have to sit back and watch the world change around me and as it happens I feel the change within.

What a blessing the seasons are and how lucky am I to live here on this sacred ground.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I thought I'd write about something different this morning. I'm writing a novel - actually I wrote a novel and now I'm editing it. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now - I have on my daily schedule from 9AM to noon - editing. Yes I schedule my day to help me stay on track. Some people would find this stifles their creativity, but I find it makes room for mine and gives my day purpose so I actually get things done.

Right now I'm fighting the process. I found a wonderful book Rock Your Revisions that describes and maps out a specific process for revising or editing a book. (Technically 2 different terms I'm sure, but I use them interchangeably) Anyway, I know that if I follow certain steps I can make this process more organized and less chaotic. For some reason, unlike my schedule, I'm fighting it because I'm afraid (there's that word again) that I'll lose my creativity and my writing voice using this system or any system for that matter. I need to remember that this novel is already in my voice and anything that I write from here on in will still be in my voice because I'll write it.

This system, for lack of a better word, gives my creativity a framework in which to reach it's fullest potential rather than just writing for writing sake. I want to self publish this book, so I have to make the work approachable to readers. My creativity needs to flourish, but it also needs to be understandable and approachable - it needs to make sense. I want it to be my best work and I have to remember that I'm not handing this off to another author so this will still be my voice. I need to trust the process.

There's another of those familiar words again - trust. Trust and fear seem to be two really important words in all aspects of my life. I guess I'm being told that my work these days is to face my fear and trust myself in all things.

Look I learned something about myself today.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


I'm torn about what to write about today. On one hand during meditation this morning I was struck by the interconnectedness of all beings and how that relates to me and my feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, my OA readings this morning caused me to think about the lies I used to tell myself about my relationship with food.

Perhaps this two subjects are more interrelated than I first realized. First and foremost many of the lies I tell myself are not conscious lies - I don't set out to fool myself, but that's what I end up doing. For instance I fought the solution to my food behaviors for a long time because I didn't want to give food any control over my life, but the reality was that food already had control. I didn't want to face that fact.

My connection to the divine and to others is similar. I need in some way to feel alone - to feel lonely - perhaps as a sort of proof that I don't deserve to be loved. (I know I know that self esteem stuff once again rears it's ugly head) Yes, my hesitancy about reaching out to others is based on fear, but perhaps I'm lying to myself that I'll be rejected (even by those who have proved to me they care about me) because part of me still believes I deserve to be. I've made many mistakes in some of my past relationships and because of that lost quite a few friends. I felt betrayed and reacted by cutting those people out of my life. Perhaps I was hasty, perhaps they still care for me and want to be friends, but I went running. Could I trust again? I don't know, but I do know that I shouldn't let myself believe the lie I tell myself that I'm all alone and deserve to be that way.

I'm far from alone. Just by nature, I'm interconnected with all life. I'm a part of a greater whole. The whole of humankind, the whole of the Earth Herself and the whole of the Universe. I need to take time to acknowledge the fine thread of light and love that connects me to each of you and to the Universe as a whole. I'm part of this. Me being alone is like believing my elbow is alone. My elbow can't be alone because it's part of the rest of my body. It is only by cutting myself off from the rest of existence and not reaching out to my fellows that I feel alone. Just because I feel something doesn't make it true.

Now does this mean I don't have to reach out to others? No, after writing yesterday's post it obvious to me that I need to feel more physical connection with other people. Even more than that I want more connection with others. I need to reach out to my fellows and make friends. The people I'm already connected to on some level and who may very well want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs are a good place to start.

This is pretty heavy stuff for first thing in the morning. These are the kinds of things that float into my mind as I meditate. These are the thoughts I try to put aside so I can sit in silence and still my mind. Putting these thoughts aside until I can sit here in front my computer and share them with all of you. I hope this day finds you as grateful and blessed as I am.

Blessings all.

Monday, March 17, 2014

physical, emotional and spiritual relationships

I know I've been writing about my journey with food addiction a lot lately - to be honest that writing has really been helping my recovery so I hope you don't mind but I'm going to write more about it.

The physical addiction to sugar is only one level of my addiction; there are factors underlying that physical addiction that make sugar and food in general even more baffling and cunning in my life. Sugar is a hard physical addiction to get over - I still feel it's effects even 17 days after giving it up. I still have a little bit of head fog and headaches and oh the cravings - my mouth waters at the thought of sugary snacks. On the other hand after 17 days I'm beginning to see the positive effects of giving up sugar and following a food plan. My mind, though still occasionally in a fog is much clearer, my body feels cleaner and the headaches are much milder. I have faith that before too long I'm going to feel so much better.

Meanwhile I'm also working on the underlying emotional and spiritual reasons my addiction took over my life. The reasons I tried to escape from my emotions using sugar and food. I've addressed a lot of the emotional stuff in therapy so I feel I have a good handle on that stuff, but the spiritual stuff is still a work in progress. I need a strong spiritual life to keep me physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. The thing is I consider myself a spiritual person - I feel connected to my Higher Power if I just take the time to stop and think and feel. The problem is that I get complacent and loose track of that. Days will pass when I just don't tap into my spirituality. One of the reasons I've managed to stay abstinent for 17 days is because I'm making a conscious effort to be present with my Higher Power and with my spiritual self everyday. What a difference in my life. What a blessing I give to myself.

I don't want to make it seem like I've got it all together, I don't, but my life is more peaceful and I'm more present in all I do. I'm taking time to do the things I feel are important. I'm interacting more fully with my family especially my kids. I'm working on my creative self and focusing on making that creative self become a career not just a hobby. Will that work out? I don't know, but I have hope and I know that I have to try. 

I'm making strides moving along my path instead of sitting exhausted unable to travel the journey that is my life. I was stagnant for so long - then I was healing, now I'm traveling - still healing, but healed enough at this point to function again - to see my path and to travel along it. I feel connected again - to the earth, my Goddess, and my spirit guides and it feels so comforting not to be alone anymore.

I'm still working on having personal relationships with others outside my immediate family. I'm trying to muster up the courage to reach out to people I feel spiritually and personally drawn to. I made some good strides with that yesterday reconnecting with an old friend from college over the phone. What a blessing it is to re-find someone that meant a lot to me from my past. Someone that I've missed over the years and thought of often and fondly. I'm glad I took the chance to talk to him, it felt good. It gave me hope that I may be strong enough to spend time with people without the comfort of the internet between  us. Hope that I can reach out and be physically present with people rather than just emotionally, mentally and spiritually present. I love my internet friends - the people I've connected with on Facebook have helped keep me going the last few years, but I feel a lacking that I don't have friends that I spend time with in person. I need to learn to trust again and my internet friends have helped me get ready for this next step. 

I won't lie - I'm scared. What if they don't want to be friends with me? What if the people in my life that I want to be more fully present for don't want me in their lives anymore than I already am. I hate rejection - it makes me feel not enough. I know in my heart I am enough and I know logically it may not be anything personal or it may be that I can't be everything to everyone, but if I were to reach out right now and get shot down I'm not sure if I'd be able to reach out again for a long time. Wow, my heart is racing just thinking about it. Maybe I'm not ready to leave my nest yet......This part of me remains stagnant - I know I'm called by my Higher Power to more. She has put certain people in life for a reason and I have to trust that those relationships are necessary to the other person as well as for me. But I've been hurt so badly in the past that it is hard to take this step. 

Blessings to all of you that read this blog. I want you all to know that I appreciate each and every one of you. I hope I can inspire some of you or maybe even make you just feel less alone in your own journeys. I write just this blog for myself and open up my journey in hopes that others may get something from it. Your comments here and on Facebook mean so much to me. Thank you. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014


This spoke to me, so I wanted to share it with you all.....


What does food do for me? I eat compulsively for a variety of reasons - nutrition being low on the list. Or rather I should say I used to eat for a variety of reasons - nutrition low on the list. Now that I'm abstinent I eat for nutrition. I enjoy what I eat, but nutrition is the primary reason I eat now and pleasure is just a side effect.

Before OA I'd eat for pleasure first and foremost or to numb my feelings or to escape from hardship or to take my frustration and anger out on myself. None of these are healthy reasons to eat. Eating should be about keeping my body alive and healthy not for emotional reasons. When I eat for reasons other than nutrition I can't control it and will eat well beyond what is good and right for me. When I add sugar to the mix - look out!

I am not alone in this addiction there are many of us that have an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of overeat, eat compulsively, binge, purge or just don't eat at all. These food behaviors all have things in common.

I've spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand why I have the unhealthy relationship with food that I do and there was some merit to that search. I've now reached a point in my life that I just need to change how I interact and use food in my life. I've chosen to use a 12 step program to heal spiritually, emotionally, and physically because at least for me - I need a spiritual solution. I need help outside of myself from a Higher Power and from my sisters and brothers that suffer alongside me.

Does this mean I don't take any of the responsibility for my recovery? No of course not. I'm the one that has to use my free will and make the choice to ask for help and do the work that is necessary to recover. I'm the one that has to pray, meditate, follow a food plan and work the steps. I just acknowledge that for me, the solution is one of a spiritual nature and that help from my Higher Power is what is needed. I need a relationship with something outside of myself and because I feel a connection with the feminine divine and because I feel Her most strongly when I'm in nature - I feel called to a nature based spirituality.

I've struggled a long time, about a year and a half, with how my Higher Power compares to the Judeo-Christian Higher Power and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. There is no comparison because it really isn't all that different. The bells and whistle of worship may differ, but the relationship with the Divine is inherently the same.

As you can see I think about my relationship with my Higher Power a lot. I pray in my own way and my own time seeking silence as much as any other form of communication. The key is that relationship.

I'm feeling blessed today. Blessed and thankful that I have a loving Goddess who loves me, a community who understands me and people who accept me and don't judge me even if they may not understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure there are lots of people out there that do judge me and that want little or nothing to do with me. I wish I could say it doesn't matter to me, but it does. I'm filled with sadness and fear that I can't be what everyone wants me to be. But.....I am what I am and I've worked damn hard to get here. I've read and written and talked and prayed and discovered and journeyed and drummed and sat and listened and spoken and shared and been turned away and been judged and cast aside. I've loved and been loved. I've shut down and shut people out and turned away from situations that were no longer healthy for me. I've made mistakes and I've probably grown and learned more from those mistakes than from anything else. I wish I could do more, but who I am is pretty amazing. I love hard and completely, I accept others and try really hard not to judge. I'm a good person at heart. I love who I've become. I'm still a work in progress, still calling upon my Higher Power for strength and transformation, still on my life's journey following the many paths ahead of me, but I've already come so far and I honor that part of my journey for the joy and blessing that it is.

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm beautiful and blessed and oh so very very grateful for it all.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

an ending = a new beginning

Well yesterday was a momentous day - I graduated from therapy! I've been in therapy for over 2 years and I've done a lot of hard work learning about myself and learning how to utilize tools that can help me in my journey. The time has come to move on and use those tools myself.

I'm feeling really proud of myself (I can do that now). I've worked hard for this moment and I've grown and healed so much over the last few years. I've weathered challenges that I would never wish on my worst enemy and I've come through stronger wiser and more loving.

I've learned that I'm not as bad a person as I feared I was. As a matter of fact I'm a pretty good person. I'm an amazing person and my only identity is not that of wife and mother. I'm a fully realized complete being of light and love. I can see that now thanks to the work I did with my wonderful therapist.

Does this mean I've arrived? No way - I still have stuff to work on, but that's what life is about. It means I've graduated to doing the work on my own, utilizing the tools my therapist helped me discover. She was an amazing help to me and really supported me and my goals as I worked through things in my life, but it's time to move on.

Through this part of my journey, I've learned to mourn appropriately, to stop blaming myself for other's mistakes, to take a breath before reacting, to let go of my anger, and to love myself. All were wonderful lessons, but there is more for me. I'm working on learning to trust - this is still a big one for me and I'm still learning to reach out to others outside of my immediate family. I'm also still working on trying not to seek approval outside myself - to be enough.

The time has come to stand on my own. I'm ready. Bring it on!!

Friday, March 14, 2014


Step four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I think this is something I do almost every day and the fearless part is to discover some of the "good" stuff. I find it easy to see things that are "less than" about myself.

One of my fears about this step is that I will use it as an accuse to bash Hope. This has often been one of my favorite pastimes. I spend a lot of time looking for my shortcomings, the things about myself that stand in the way of my journey, my growth. This step calls on me to be honest with myself and face down that stuff, but also acknowledge the other stuff - the stuff that helps me on my journey and in my growth as a spiritual being.

I hate that feeling of "tooting my own horn" and acknowledging anything but the bad about myself seems selfish and self centered. But focusing only on the "bad" is just a self serving. I feel I have no right to the "good" stuff so I focus on the bad stuff - setting myself up for failure.

Ultimately, I think this all has to do with self esteem - so much in my life does. I have this internal conflict between one side of me that feels that I'm not so bad, I'm actually kind of amazing and the other side of me that believes I'm a complete screw up that can't do anything right. Guess which one is easier to listen to. I wallow in my lack of self esteem, emphasizing the mistakes I've made and ignoring the growth and accomplishments I've achieved. I'm so self centered that I often even take on the mistakes of other people trying to convince myself that it is my fault someone else messed up. How messed up and selfish is that.

The last few years I've been trying to find balance (I'm a Libra so balance is kind of my thing) between my positive and negative attributes. Now I don't even like to use that word negative because the challenges in my life help me just as much as my positive traits to grow into the being of light and love I'm meant to be, but I'm not sure how else to put it. Challenges make it sound like stuff outside myself and I'm talking about those traits inside me that get in my way. Like envy, anger, laziness, gossip, fear, lack of trust, etc. these are all things that I find in myself. Admittedly they exist right along with love, acceptance, joy, faith, hope - these are all parts of me too and I have every right, even perhaps a responsibility to acknowledge those as well. I'm a complex person and I shouldn't try to define myself by my shortcomings alone.

I may not yet be the being of light and love I'm meant to be, but I'm working toward it - looking for hints of her in myself and all around me. I implore my Higher Power every day to be with me as I embark on the hard work that is step 4 to let me see myself as I really am faults and all.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Prayer for a beautiful day

Step 3: Made a decisions to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him (or Her).

For me this step is about prayer. I have a complicated relationship with prayer. I would say, for me, prayer has changed into intentional action. I try to do the small things in my life with intention giving that over to my Higher Power.

I always felt uncomfortable trying to have a conversation with God, it felt forced a lot of the time. Just a little chit chat with this Being that is keeping the Universe up and running seemed so petty to me. Because of this I've found this step to be challenging.

I do spend at least 10 -15 minutes a day in listening to my Higher Power. I sit cross legged after my yoga 3 days a week and just quietly listening to ocean sounds the other days. I work on quieting my mind to hear the messages the Universe is trying to convey to me. I think listening is more important than talking, so that is where I give my will to that Higher Power that loves me and knows me so completely. She already knows when I think it so She doesn't need me to say it.

Wow I just had a realization; prayer isn't for my Higher Power - it's for me. Saying the words makes them more real. HP already knows, but sometimes until I say it I don't really know it. I need to say it - preferably out loud so I know in my heart that I've made that decision. That makes it easier to remember and commit to the decision that I give it all over to Her.

Look at that I learned something about myself this morning.

I've been thinking about why I write this blog, sharing my experiences, thoughts, journey. I mean I really am opening myself to all kinds of criticism and judgement, then I saw this:

and I know - this is one of the reasons I share so honestly and openly about myself. 

Then writing today I realized that this isn't all. I also write to learn about myself; to have those A-HA moments that I'm so fond of. Today I had one and doesn't that make it a beautiful day. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Now I have to admit I got hung up on this step for a long time. My concept of a Higher Power is very different than the Judeo-Christian concept I grew up with. I do believe in a power outside of myself that interacts with me and the universe in positive ways. I don't believe He/She is limited by the parameters of any organized religion. I think organized religion is a tool given to us by that Higher Power to help us relate to something so much bigger than ourselves that we cannot grasps It's magnitude. I also believe that we are called to different paths by that same Higher Power based on how we will best find Him or Her or It.

The language of twelve step programs is very much in line with the Judeo-Christianity of my youth and having moved away from that and even having some personal hangups about it, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept that the loving God/Goddess that I worship can be the same as the one talked about in program. In my heart I believe that all gods are one god and all goddess one goddess and that the Divine of the Universe is loving and all powerful showing us different faces, but putting that faith into practice is harder than it seems.

For me it took some really wonderful loving self described Christians in my regular OA meeting to finally find some peace with this. Some of the language adopted by the program definitely helps. The term Higher Power or GOMU (God of My Understanding) have definitely helped. But honestly, it's been the kindness, compassion, and unconditional love that I've experienced from my fellows in OA that have really helped me the most. What a gift we are to each other. My brothers and sisters my not understand completely how I worship, interact with and relate to my Higher Power but they accept me and that relationship for the gift that it is. They open their minds and their hearts to me and show me the very love that my Higher Power feels for me.

Do I still sometimes struggle? Yes I do, but I think that's to be expected. Being called to a path trod by few can be challenging. Being constantly questioned and judged for believing differently than others is hard. I know that I shouldn't care what others think of me or my path - what matters is the loving relationship I have with my Goddess, but.......I know that there are those I care about that don't understand and don't agree with my choices. I'm a people pleaser - I like others to love me and accept me as I am and knowing that they on some level want to change me is upsetting.

One thing I am sure of is that I love my Higher Power and I could not embark on this journey of recovery and self discovery without Her. The deepening of that relationship through prayer, meditation and study is such a blessing to me. I feel stronger in my faith every day and with the work I am doing I will just be further blessed and loved all the days of my life.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Just Do It

Step One - We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

That about sums it up. I'm on day 10 of abstinence and still food holds an un-natural sway over me. I think about sugar A LOT. I know my body is addicted and I know that living a journey of recovery is the only way I (emphasis on I here) will survive. It's the only way I will find my way back to health.

There are so many ways my life has become unmanageable. Since I've begun back on the road to recovery I've set up a schedule for myself and I'm sticking to it. I do yoga 3 times a week, meditate for at least 10 minutes every morning, edit for an average of 2-3 hours a day, write on my blog every day, knit every day working on getting some projects done and spend more time on the girl's homeschooling. This week, I've added a daily online OA meeting to help me keep focused and some cardio exercise to help get me more in shape. All in all life is definitely getting more manageable.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting blankly sitting at my computer doing nothing - staring into space thinking about what I should be doing or what I could be eating. Do I still have moments of staring? Sure, but now they are moments not long blocks of time. I'm also spending more time thinking about my spirituality and practicing meditation and prayer bringing me closer to my Higher Power.

Why I have this messed up relationship with food? Well that's pretty complicated; I could probably speak to that for hours and there is definitely a place in my life for that knowledge. But recovery is action - as the old Nike advertisement used to say - 'Just Do It' - that's what I'm doing. I'm putting aside my excuses, my procrastination and I'm just doing it. I'm exercising, I'm praying, I'm planning my meals and tracking my food, I'm reading OA and AA literature, I'm attending meetings, and I'm avoiding all sugar. I'm 'Just Doing It' and it feels great.

Sunday, March 9, 2014


Okay, service is an important part of recovery. Helping those who are also in recovery is a cornerstone of a 12 step program, and I try to do my part leading meetings when I'm called to and being there for my brothers and sisters.

I have to admit I'm not doing real great with this one. I'm a mom, fulltime and homeschooling, and that is a life of service. To be brutally honest I sometimes resent it. I have little time to myself when I don't have to be available to someone else - my time is spend taking care of others. Now that the kids are older it doesn't require the same kind of care as it did when they were babies, but in our particular family a parent needs to always be available. My beloved works full time to support us financially so the kids fall automatically to me. Now I love being a fulltime mom, but sometimes I resent that I can't go out and get a job and spend time with other adults. I have very little energy left in my day to give service outside my family and I struggle with taking care of myself, so that important self care takes up what little time I have leftover. Hence I'm not real great being of service in my program.

I'm also trying to get over my own insecurities regarding relationships, so that also makes service a bit challenging. Interacting with my fellows is still difficult for me. My self esteem is low enough that I expect to be turned away. My issues are not anyone else's, but once again they make service challenging.

I don't know what else to say on this subject - I want to be better at service, but I'm still a work in progress. I guess I'll just keep plugging along doing the best I can knowing that I'm right where I supposed to be learning the lessons I'm meant to learn. Service will come - I'll get there.

Saturday, March 8, 2014


Gratitude plays such an important part in my life. I try to be grateful for all that happens to me - even the challenging stuff (that sometimes take time, though). Of course the important word here is try - I don't always succeed at this goal. Some of the challenging experiences in my life are there and I just can't let go of my negative feelings surrounding them. I replay my feelings regarding them in my head over and over trying to let go and find the gratitude.

I could sit here and list lots of different things I'm grateful for, but this is a post about how gratitude relates to my recovery. I'm grateful for my twelve step program and all the people that have been helped by these programs. I am also grateful for the chance to write about my experiences with my recovery. I find that many people are generally uncomfortable with discussions about recovery, so it's difficult for me to talk about it. Having the opportunity to write about them and share those writings with others, supports my recovery in a very real way. It forces me to be honest with myself and my Higher Power. I'm grateful for those who journey this path of discovery with me - having a community that doesn't judge me and supports me is such a blessing and helps my recovery in such a big way. I'm grateful to my Higher Power for bringing me to the fellowship of Overeaters Anonymous.

I'm grateful for 7 days of abstinence, as that is defined for me. A week of no sugar or white bread feels freeing. Not that it's easy.....I still think about sugary snacks and I'm tempted almost every day to eat those unhealthy foods. I'm grateful for the support of the Universe - my Higher Power as I battle my addiction.

I wish I could say I'm grateful for the addiction itself, because I know there are many lessons and experiences I would miss out on without it. I'm still working on that one. Still trying to get past my feelings of resentment and anger that I'm 'blessed' with a sugar and food addiction. I want nothing more than to be someone who can attend a party and not worry about eating the sugary foods on the table, but that will just lead to a relapse and I will find myself spiraling out of control. I just have to accept that I am someone that can not eat "normally"....... Someday I'll be grateful for this, but not yet.

As you can see, for me gratitude is not something that necessarily just happens, it's something I have to work at. It's something I have to look for in myself and in all the things around me. Sometimes it's obvious and those things are amazing and I'm blessed with them - things like my family and nature, but the things that I have to work for to find my gratitude - those change my thinking and my way of being.

I'm blessed and I'm so grateful for that.

Thursday, March 6, 2014


I don't think of myself as a particularly courageous person, but courage is definitely a presence in my life. I need a certain amount of courage to be as honest with myself as I need to be in my journey of self discovery. I need a certain amount of courage to go against the "norms" of society in regards to the way I eat. I can't eat sugar - any kind of added sugar - in other words white sugar, honey, maple syrup, evaporated cane juice, brown sugar, etc. I'm addicted to the chemical make up of many of these kinds of sweeteners. I also find many artificial sweeteners to be unhealthy so I avoid them too. I stick to stevia as an added sweeetner and the sugars that occur naturally in my foods - fructose, sucrose, complex carbohydrates, etc.

It took courage to write that last paragraph; especially to talk about my addiction. People don't want to hear about it. In my experience they become uncomfortable in my presence if I bring it up, so I want to avoid it - hide it away. I need to be courageous in my honesty - I am an addict - I'm addicted to food - especially sugar. I need outside help to conquer my addiction - I need the loving power of the Universe to bless me and give me strength and courage to face this battle head on. I need the fellowship of a twelve step program. I need the spiritual practices of Shamanism, prayer, meditation and journaling to grow beyond my addiction and to help me find those resources of courage to be honest and faithful.

I think I've found a reserve of courage that I didn't know existed in myself this last few years. I've called on that courage to battle my depression and suicidal thoughts and to deal with family crises with my children. Before I sat down to write this post I never really thought of my actions and work as being courageous, but to do that kind of internal work one has to be. So today's moment of self discovery is that I'm courageous and I need to take that courage and apply it to my recovery, to my abstinence.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Okay this is a hard one to write about for me because my faith has really taken a beating over the last few years. People, experiences and feelings that I had faith in let me down. My faith in humanity, my family and myself has been shaken to the core. But I persevere just the same. I still have hope.

I think faith and hope are very deeply connected - at least in my life. When my faith is faltering there is still hope for me. Hope is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, faith is believing it is there even when you can't see it. I have a hard time keeping the faith.

Maybe my struggle has to do with my hangups about organized religion. When I was a Christian my whole life was about my Faith, now my faith is about my life. Does that make even make sense? My faith used to be about something outside of myself and now it's about myself and the divinity that lives within me, but also tied up with all that is around me. I'm just a part of a whole and that faith comes in to keep me going.

I have to admit as I embark on this journey of recovery - actually as I continue on this journey - I'm re-examining my ides and thoughts about faith. As I try to live my life more and more in the moment (which by the way has always been a goal in my life) and One Day At a Time I realize that faith becomes more and more important and there is an element of faith in something outside of myself that I'm a part of. Call it the Universe, the Higher Power, God, or Goddess, I am a part of that life force, yet somehow it also exists outside myself. I have to have faith that I'm an important part of that Consciousness.

Faith is hard for me, which is interesting. I can remember a time in my life where I had blind faith in a Being greater than myself - what happened to that? I guess I grew up, began questioning, and then started to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual life. Yet somehow I've fallen short of my expectations.

Faith and are they different? How do they compare? Perhaps my shortcoming is that I confuse the two. Perhaps what I see as faith is actually an expectation of how I think my life should be or how I think things around me should unfold.

Faith and trust......I suppose there is an element of trust in faith. Trust has become a hot button issue for me. A lot of people betrayed my trust over the last few years and in self defense I turned inward and then betrayed the trust of others. It's a vicious cycle I think. Then some issues in my life caused me to lose trust in myself and that just made matters worse. It is really difficult for me to trust others when I find it hard to trust myself - it's hard to trust that the Universe wants to bless me when my personal life is filled with battles.

This too shall change - that is one thing I have faith in that change is inevitable - it will happen whether I want it to or not. I just need to find faith in the fact that change is good when it is tied into growth. As long as I'm trying then I must have faith that it will all work out for the best. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and I'm learning the lessons I must learn to become the being of light and love that I'm destined to be.

So ultimately I guess I do have faith. Faith that there is a Higher Power that wants me to be that being of light and love. I have faith in love - that it is all around me; in the kiss of the sun on my check, the silence of the falling snow, the height of the trees surrounding my house, in the laughter and hugs of my children, and in the loving eyes of my husband.

Maybe I have more faith then I realized.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


My first thought about honesty is that it doesn't make sense to talk about it unless one is brutally honest, at least to oneself - otherwise what is the point?

I think of myself as an honest person, but I have to admit I do not always tell the truth or at least I lie by omission. Of course I try not to lie to others, but myself - that's another story. I've heard it said that you can't really lie to yourself and I know in my cast this isn't true. I look myself in the mirror and lie all the time about how I feel, how I look, what I'll do. Honesty is hard for me. There I said it. For a long time I'd rather live a life of denial than actually deal with and work through issues in my life. Issues with food, self worth, my kids, my relationships, my marriage - I see a lot more dishonesty in myself than I want to admit.

As much as I want to think of myself as an honest person, but I often find myself being dishonest and sometimes outright lying to save someone's feelings. On the phone telling someone that the kids need me or Duane is calling instead of just admitting that I'm not in the mood to talk. Telling someone I like their hat even if I think it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen - though in this case I may try to assure them that I'm happy for them as long as they love their ugly hat.

Now, I don't want you to start thinking I'm filled with lies and never tell the truth - that's not the case at all. In my dealings with other people I try to be honest or as my mother taught me "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". I don't set out to be dishonest and I'm certainly not a compulsive liar or anything like that - I think my dishonesty in my dealings with others is probably similar to many others.

There is also the fact that I've been hurt by honesty. I've been hurt badly by that honesty that is bluntly, cruelly honest, the kind of honesty that seems to be used as a weapon to hurt another person. I try to balance honesty with compassion and if something isn't my business I just try to keep my mouth shut.

Now honesty with myself is another matter all together. I lie to myself a lot. I think those lies trickle out to my dealings with others; it becomes easier to lie to others when I am lying to myself and also I often convince myself those lies are true so I perpetuate the lie by sharing it with others.

Wow this is some heavy duty stuff, but as a person in recovery I need to be brutally honest with myself. That doesn't mean I have to start punishing myself - I just need to look in the mirror and honestly admit and accept my shortcomings asking the Universe for the strength and will to grow beyond them and become the person of light and love that I'm destine to be.

Honesty - it's something I'm working on.

Monday, March 3, 2014


Humility is something I struggle with and not because I come off as a particularly prideful person, but for the opposite reason. Humility isn't just not false pride - it's about knowing myself and my worth. Lack of self worth - something I struggle with by the way - is not the same as humility. Humility means that I know my self worth and understand that I'm not better or worse than anyone else. Let me say that again - Humility means I know my self worth and understand the I am not better or worse than anyone else.

In essence this means lack of self worth is just false humility and in a way is prideful because in trying to make myself less important than I am, I'm making decisions about my worth - who am I to decide? The Universe has made me to be a being of light and love and that has inherent worth. I'm worthy of love - self love as well as any other forms of love and my love freely given is a gift meant to be cherished and valued.

So today - just today 'cuz I'm taking it one day at a time - I'll do my best to remember that false humility isn't real humility and I'm a unique individual of light and love who deserves the blessings the Universe is showering upon me. I'll also remember that my love is a gift and that when others turn away from it - it's not because my love isn't good enough.


Sunday, March 2, 2014


Sugar withdrawal is well underway. I'm battling a headache and am feeling like I could crawl out of my skin. All normal for me at this stage of recovery. I know this process, though difficult, will ultimately help me be healthier and happier. Sucks right now though.

Emotionally, I'm struggling. I'm feeling down on myself because I just can't seem to settle. I've all these things I want to do, but I can't settle into any one of them, so I'm flittering about wasting time instead. My emotions and thoughts are just all over the place - more side effects of sugar withdrawal and all temporary, but still disheartening in the moment.

This too shall pass and I will move into a space where I will feel better in my skin, have more energy and be able to focus once again.

Tomorrow I embark on the newest step in my life journey. I'm going to start up a yoga practice tomorrow morning and I'm going to start editing one of my books. I've actually written two novels so far and I'm hoping to publish them both this year and write another.

I will continue with this blog as a place of self discovery and sharing, but I'm hoping to also set up a space either at Livejournal or Wordpress to do some more structured writing like short stories and writing exercises - that sort of thing. I'm not sure if those writings will be public or not yet - I may keep them private.

I'm plugging along doing the best that I can - one day at a time.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

possible vs impossible

Sometimes it seems that things are insurmountable, that they are in fact impossible, but the reality is that there is possibility in any impossibility. It takes faith and acceptance and hope, but it is possible if you can find the belief. Things that are impossible today may very well be possible tomorrow of if not tomorrow then next week or next year. This is a fact that I must remember in my own life. I need to take things one day at a time as I fight my addiction with the help of my Higher Power. This fight - this path seems impossible, but that is not the case. I must cling to my hope and trust in my Higher Power.

Rob Brezsny, an author and astrologist, taught me that the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings. Those blessings are all around even sometimes hidden in mishaps, mistakes and struggles. My addiction is a gift, but I need to accept that gift for the blessing that it is, for the path it has put me on, for the people I've met through it. Sugar will not beat me, because I have community, support and a Higher Power that loves me and gives me strength to take if One Day At A Time.