Tuesday, March 24, 2015


Wow am I tired of being tired and just feeling down. I have no energy and am finding it hard to function. On the other hand the weather is changing and I am starting to notice moments of spring's promise. That cheers me up a bit.

I saw my doctor last week and we changed my depression meds - it's been a couple of years and it's common to need a change after that amount of time. I've been on the new med for a few days now, but haven't noticed any real change except that I'm sleeping better. It takes time for a new depression med to have affect though so I'm not worried. I have a follow up appointment the end of next month to talk about whether there have been any changes, I hoping this new med will help.

Depression is so difficult to live with. On one hand I know all these wonderful things that could help my depression, eating well, exercise, fresh air all are extremely beneficial. But.....yes isn't there always a but? Anyway all these things would help my depression but I don't have the energy to partake because of the depression - see what I mean. I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I just have to trust in the Universe, that the lessons I'm learning from my depression will help me in the long run. I just have to get through the darkness and find my way back into the light. One day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time. It's a lot like my abstinence. I can't necessarily see the benefits to giving up sugar and trying to eat healthy, but if I'm just patient and take it a day at a time then I well see and feel the benefits. As a matter of fact I've already lost some weight - so there is that.

So here I am plugging away a day at a time. Trying desperately to believe that my Higher Power is here for me and that I'll reach the light on the other side of the darkness that is my depression. I've lived with this mental illness for a lot of years now and to be honest part of me is tired of it. Sometimes the temptation to give up is so great. But I don't. If I could get this far there is no telling how far I can go. I can live a happy life - I've done it before. I just have to trust that there is light and joy and good feelings on the other side of my exhaustion and depression. Trust is hard though. Just when I think I've beaten this mental illness for good - it comes back again.

The good thing is that when I stop and think about it - underneath it all is a spark of hope. Underneath it all I love my life. I love my family and my home and my pets - well the dogs anyway - I just lose track of that sometimes while I'm stumbling around in the dark places in my mind. Depression can do that - make you lose sight of what is really important.

Ultimately, I am grateful for this battle with depression. I've learned a lot about myself in this battle and I've overcome so much. I just wish the battle was over. Statistically though it's likely that I will be fighting this battle off and on for the rest of my life. The more depressive episodes one has the more likely one will have even more. Well, I've had a lot. I've been depressed off and on since I was 9 years old. This is not a new battle for me.

It's interesting the language I've been conditioned to use in regards to my depression. Battle and fight are two words that I don't hesitate to use in regards to depression, but the are things that I often try to avoid in my life. I'm more about peace and harmony and letting go. Maybe that's why this struggle continues. Maybe I need to try to change my mindset about the whole thing. Food for further thought.

Anyway, I'll continue on. Grateful for the experiences in my life that make me stronger and bring me closer to my family. Grateful for the past and all I've learned from it. Grateful for a new day to work through bit by bit looking for the moments of hope and joy.

Friday, March 13, 2015


Well it's been a bit since I last blogged. I'd like to say a lot has been going on, but it really hasn't - same old same old. My abstinence is still in place - cleaner and more comfortable, but still a struggle. Those sugary foods are still craved and they still call my name and I want to eat them, but I don't - I won't.

I want to say that I'm in a better place right now. Spring has begun to make itself known and that has raised my spirits a bit - that along with the weight I cut from my dreads has lighten my soul a bit.

I'm still struggling though.

I made an appointment with my doctor for next week to reevaluate my depression meds - hopefully we'll be able to come up with something that will support the work I'm trying to do because right now I'm sort of frozen in inaction. I can't find the energy to do much of anything. Lots in my life is suffering right now including my relationship with my kids, my beloved, myself and my Higher Power.

I'm trying to keep plugging along, but it's getting harder. I'm just really, really tired.

I pulled a muscle in my back this week, so that's slowing me down as well. I'm uncomfortable in my own body and mind and that's really blocking me right now.

I try to find the positive and I know - I really know deep down that it's there - I'm just having a hard time seeing beyond my own discomfort.

I find that if I can  list what I'm grateful for perhaps I can get myself out of my funk - so let's give it a try.

Today I'm grateful to my Higher Power for being there for me even when I'm having difficulty being there for myself.

I'm grateful to my beloved for supporting me and taking care of me especially when I'm incapable of doing it myself.

I'm grateful for my children - for their empathetic hearts and the help they give me around the house when my physical self is limited.

I'm grateful for the lessons of my losses in life and the lessons I've learned and am learning from my depression.

I'm grateful for good local food that nourishes my soul as well as my body.

I'm grateful for my OA fellowship - they are the reflection of the love my Higher Power has for me when I'm having a hard time finding it myself.

Gratitude can help me find my way to my source - I just need to remember to look at life with a grateful heart.


Saturday, March 7, 2015

something positive

It seems silly, but I've made a positive change in my life. I got a haircut - or rather a "dread cut".....

The top picture is a few weeks ago and the bottom is this morning.

It may seem silly but I feel so much lighter and not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. The last time I had dreadlocks I cut them all off not too long after losing my son, Arlo during my pregnancy. I realized that I was holding a lot of my mental and spiritual pain in my hair. I think I've been doing the same now. I've had this set of dreads for about 5 years and the depression and pain I've felt over that time has been trapped in my hair. It may seem an odd concept, but I really believe it's true. I feel lighter, less weighed down, maybe even happy. Things are looking up.

Spring is coming and after contemplating this move (even considering cut them all the way off like I did 8 years ago) for months I finally started cutting this morning. I just decided to do it. My beloved helped put in these dreads and he helped me cut them down to a more manageable length. They are a bit shorter than I intended, but I have to admit I love them like this. And one thing I can count on is that they will grow again.

So here I am with a symbolic first step with my hair and my life. 

It may seem silly or odd, but this really makes me feel like everything will be okay - even more so that as much as I may feel like I'm struggling right now - it's all for a reason and really I'm okay. I'm making the steps and learning the lessons I need to learn right here - right now.

Friday, March 6, 2015


Wow I really need to work on my interpersonal skills.....A situation has cropped up for one of my kids at our homeschool group - I think it's probably typical kids learning how to interact stuff, but my first instinct is to quit. Unfortunately, this is also my daughter's first instinct. No matter how much I try not to let my baggage weigh my children down - it does.

My kids are well aware of my struggles - they even visited me in the hospital after my last suicide attempt. They get that I have depression and that sometimes I have a hard time holding things together because of my illness. I try to teach my kids that my own shortcomings and habits do not have to be theirs, but still I see my own behaviors reflected in theirs, especially my daughter.

So this means I have to work through my discomfort and try to learn to interact with others in a healthier way and to stop running away from things that are difficult. I'm outside my comfort zone here. I've spend some years in isolation thanks to my depression and I've dragged myself and my kids out into the light because it's better for us. But now we have new skill sets to learn.

Now I'd love to tell you that these are skills I need to relearn because I lost them during those years of isolation, but honestly, I've always been socially awkward. I either try too hard or I shut down completely. I come off as needy and clingy or snobby and out of touch. Of course that's what I think others think of me - I don't know for sure, because I can't know what others think or feel.

A lot has to do with expectations I think. I expect people to dislike me, so they often do. I try to be a good friend, but I don't know that I succeed - I think maybe I close myself off too much.

So, now I have to watch my kids struggling with some of the same shortcomings. I've wrapped them in cotton wool trying to protect them from being hurt, but I've ended up doing them a disservice. In trying to protect them from others, all I've done is really make them lonely and craving the company of their peers. I'm trying to rectify that now, but sometimes I fear it's too little too late.

It's hard being a parent. I try so hard to do what I think is right for MY children based on my experiences and sometimes I get it all wrong. Yes, I've failed in some ways, but I have two very special, loving, compassionate, intelligent kids. Yes maybe they are a little late to the friendship thing, but they are learning and growing with every new experience and all I can do is grow and learn with them.

I think that's what I'm trying to do right now. So......I'm not going to quit. I'm going to try to communicate with others and learn how to work through an uncomfortable situation and try to trust that all will work out for the best. My kids will learn from it as will I. And isn't that what life is all about really? Stretching and growing and finding new reasons to love ourselves?

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

unhealthy thoughts

I weighed myself.......I'm at my highest weight right now - ever. Deep inside I knew weighing myself was a bad idea because quite honestly this information does nothing for me except make me feel bad about myself.

I want to cry. A number on a scale is making me so upset that I want to cry.......

Not my best idea, but I need to just accept this information and move on. I have 16 days of abstinence, so I'm on the right track.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy to just accept and let it go. I'm a worrier and I'm a bit of a guilt addict. Not the healthiest of emotions I know, but very real just the same.

I knew my weight was out of control - every bit of my body feels it - I just didn't know it was that bad.

Oh yes I did - deep down inside I really did - that's why I went back to OA (Overeaters Anonymous). I knew my weight was really bad because my self esteem has been at what may be it's lowest and that leads to bad thoughts.

I admit it, I've been having really bad thoughts -  I've been thinking about suicide again. I do not have a plan nor do I think I'm in any really danger of following through or moving beyond thoughts, but just the fact that I'm thinking about it should be a warning sign, a wake up call. Thinking about suicide is not something new for me - attempting isn't something new and I hate that my mind goes there. It feels like I will never be able to find good health again and I really feel helpless and that just makes this deep dark hole of depression that much darker.

I went to a belly dancing class a couple of weeks ago and I loved it, as hard as it was - I haven't been back. My back and knees hurt too much. I'm trapped in this body, unable to fight my way out and not only that, I'm living in a deep dark hole of depression. Both contribute to old patterns of behavior and since I can't eat, I've begun thinking about suicide again.

Once again, I have no plan and I'm not at any real risk, but I have been pondering why it is that my mind goes there. What about my past experiences makes it okay to think that this may be in any way shape or form an option? I know that statistics show that people who have a major depressive episode are more likely to have another than someone who's never had one - this is true of suicidal thoughts too I believe.

I guess in some part of my subconscious I must think that this is a good way to find help because honestly every attempt in my past has been more about a cry for help than an actually wish to be dead. I want to be well much more than I want to be dead - it just doesn't feel like I'm capable of being well, so being dead seems like a viable option.

I've been pondering this for a while now and wondering if I should blog about it - that's why I haven't blogged in a while - I just didn't know if I really wanted to talk about it. But being real is what I'm attempting in this blog. Opening up to share my journey with addiction and depression in the hopes that it may help someone else.

I don't think it's normal to have suicidal thoughts the way I do, but if any of you out there do - know you are not alone. These thoughts are just that - thoughts and I do not have to act on them. I won't. That is not what my Higher Power wants for me. I need to take these thoughts and use them as a tool toward better health and happiness.

This is sort of an intense blog post, I realize that, but this is where I'm at right now. I'd be lying if I said any differently. Maybe it wasn't appropriate to put this out there, but I felt is was important as part of my journey. Staying silent and keeping it to myself will only add to the darkness and the possibility of my acting on those thoughts. Taking those thoughts out and bringing them out into the light will make them less scary and make me actually face them and work through them rather than hide them and let them fester.

So here I am. Being real, sharing the bad stuff along with the good stuff. I'm not happy right now, I'm not comfortable with myself or my journey. I try to be grateful for all I have and I'd love to tell you it's working, but right now I'm just going through the motions and saying the words. I'm a little numb and a lot sad.

This too shall pass though. I have a loving Higher Power who has gifted me with a loving supportive husband and family. I just need to be open and honest and keep on keeping on.

I do, however, think it's time to call my doctor and see about having my meds adjusted. I really shouldn't be having suicidal thoughts. It's also time to get serious about my 12 step program - yes going to meetings and reading the literature is important, but it's time to get a sponsor and really start working the steps.

Blessings to all of you and if any of you are having similar thoughts please reach out and ask for help - you are not alone. Just like I'm not alone, we just have to reach out for help.