Wednesday, March 4, 2015

unhealthy thoughts

I weighed myself.......I'm at my highest weight right now - ever. Deep inside I knew weighing myself was a bad idea because quite honestly this information does nothing for me except make me feel bad about myself.

I want to cry. A number on a scale is making me so upset that I want to cry.......

Not my best idea, but I need to just accept this information and move on. I have 16 days of abstinence, so I'm on the right track.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy to just accept and let it go. I'm a worrier and I'm a bit of a guilt addict. Not the healthiest of emotions I know, but very real just the same.

I knew my weight was out of control - every bit of my body feels it - I just didn't know it was that bad.

Oh yes I did - deep down inside I really did - that's why I went back to OA (Overeaters Anonymous). I knew my weight was really bad because my self esteem has been at what may be it's lowest and that leads to bad thoughts.

I admit it, I've been having really bad thoughts -  I've been thinking about suicide again. I do not have a plan nor do I think I'm in any really danger of following through or moving beyond thoughts, but just the fact that I'm thinking about it should be a warning sign, a wake up call. Thinking about suicide is not something new for me - attempting isn't something new and I hate that my mind goes there. It feels like I will never be able to find good health again and I really feel helpless and that just makes this deep dark hole of depression that much darker.

I went to a belly dancing class a couple of weeks ago and I loved it, as hard as it was - I haven't been back. My back and knees hurt too much. I'm trapped in this body, unable to fight my way out and not only that, I'm living in a deep dark hole of depression. Both contribute to old patterns of behavior and since I can't eat, I've begun thinking about suicide again.

Once again, I have no plan and I'm not at any real risk, but I have been pondering why it is that my mind goes there. What about my past experiences makes it okay to think that this may be in any way shape or form an option? I know that statistics show that people who have a major depressive episode are more likely to have another than someone who's never had one - this is true of suicidal thoughts too I believe.

I guess in some part of my subconscious I must think that this is a good way to find help because honestly every attempt in my past has been more about a cry for help than an actually wish to be dead. I want to be well much more than I want to be dead - it just doesn't feel like I'm capable of being well, so being dead seems like a viable option.

I've been pondering this for a while now and wondering if I should blog about it - that's why I haven't blogged in a while - I just didn't know if I really wanted to talk about it. But being real is what I'm attempting in this blog. Opening up to share my journey with addiction and depression in the hopes that it may help someone else.

I don't think it's normal to have suicidal thoughts the way I do, but if any of you out there do - know you are not alone. These thoughts are just that - thoughts and I do not have to act on them. I won't. That is not what my Higher Power wants for me. I need to take these thoughts and use them as a tool toward better health and happiness.

This is sort of an intense blog post, I realize that, but this is where I'm at right now. I'd be lying if I said any differently. Maybe it wasn't appropriate to put this out there, but I felt is was important as part of my journey. Staying silent and keeping it to myself will only add to the darkness and the possibility of my acting on those thoughts. Taking those thoughts out and bringing them out into the light will make them less scary and make me actually face them and work through them rather than hide them and let them fester.

So here I am. Being real, sharing the bad stuff along with the good stuff. I'm not happy right now, I'm not comfortable with myself or my journey. I try to be grateful for all I have and I'd love to tell you it's working, but right now I'm just going through the motions and saying the words. I'm a little numb and a lot sad.

This too shall pass though. I have a loving Higher Power who has gifted me with a loving supportive husband and family. I just need to be open and honest and keep on keeping on.

I do, however, think it's time to call my doctor and see about having my meds adjusted. I really shouldn't be having suicidal thoughts. It's also time to get serious about my 12 step program - yes going to meetings and reading the literature is important, but it's time to get a sponsor and really start working the steps.

Blessings to all of you and if any of you are having similar thoughts please reach out and ask for help - you are not alone. Just like I'm not alone, we just have to reach out for help.

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