Wednesday, June 11, 2014

my Higher Power speaks to me

Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Instinct is the word I use for that little voice inside me telling me in an instant what is true. I believe that voice is my Higher Power trying to speak to me. Some call this voice intuition, or gut feeling. I know in my heart it is the Universe trying to get my attention.

I often try to reason this voice away using logic to negate what I know I should do. This is when I relapse or lose track of my path. This can set me back and make me question everything about my life. It leads to me questioning my very self worth.

When I listen to that voice of instinct - that voice of my Higher Power - I am brought back to a place of self worth and self love. This is the voice that tells me I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of health, that I'm a good mother, wife, human being. That I'm exactly where I need to be in this moment - my journey is being fulfilled in my every breath. 

What a comfort to know that I just need to quiet my logical mind and listen to that little voice of my Goddess to know that I am loved. So are all of you. 


Tuesday, June 10, 2014


This is something I'm in sort supply of. I admit it - I really like instant gratification. I hate surprises and I don't want to wait. One of the things that's hard for me in terms of program is that I need to wait for the weight to melt off. I'm in program to find spiritual progress and fight the disease of compulsive eating not to lose weight. The weight loss is just a side effect of become spiritually healthy. That's the hard part - I feel like I'm taking the steps so the weight should just go away. It took me over 40 years to gain all this weight I need to be patient and let the program make the changes in my life that need to happen and then over time the weight will go down to a healthy number.

Honestly, I barely have the patience to sit here and write this post. I just want it to be done so I can go on to the next thing in my life. What a waste.....I'm missing out on so much not letting myself enjoy each moment as it happens. I have very little patience considering I'm someone who's goal is to live in the moment. Now that is the goal - it's something I work toward not something I'm already good at.

Right now in this moment I'm sitting on my futon, writing this post on my laptop while my daughter watches Netflix and my son hangs out in his room. All in all a typical Tuesday morning. I don't have anything especially pressing for the rest of the day - some reading with the girl, working in my art journal and maybe some writing later in the day. I'm not feeling overwhelming drive to do any of these things, yet I feel like I need to hurry and get this done so I can move on to other things. It's's really just a lack of patience in my life.

So for today - One Day At A Time - I ask my Higher Power to help me with patience - grant me patience to take my day one moment at a time.

Monday, June 9, 2014


"We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it."
-William Hazlitt

"Let go and let God" is one of the catchphrases of a 12 step program. For me this is a difficult one - I'm a bit of a control freak and feel that to take responsibility for my actions I must study and think long and hard about everything that I do. This quote and this catchphrase remind me that I have to stop thinking about it and just do it. I have to get out of my own way and let my Higher Power run the show - do the overthinking  for me. 

Does that mean I don't think before I act? No not at all, it just means that once I've giving it thought and prayer and meditation - then I have to just go ahead and do what I feel led to do. I can't let myself become frozen in thought which I often do. I want to control the outcome of my every decision and action and that just isn't practical - it isn't going to happen. I can't control what happens around me - just my reaction to what happens.

Back when I was in college, the sportswear company Nike had an advertising campaign based on the phrase "Just Do It". I had a professor who told us many times that this is good advice in most things in our lives. That struck me back than and even now - I often remind myself to "Just Do It" or I won't get anything done at all.

There comes a time in our lives that we need to stop thinking and just do and that is when we give it over to our Higher Power - that moment when we give in to the action and stop thinking about it is when we submit and give it over. I've done my part and I've made the decision to give it over to the Universe - to my Higher Power - to trust that things will work out the way I expect or even more importantly the way they are supposed to. That is what giving it over to my Higher Power means to me - Trust. 

Trusting in the outcome that should be rather than the one i expect or want.

I've not been trusting my Higher Power for the last month or so - I've been trying to run the show myself. I've managed to stay abstinent, but I've not been working the program so growth and weight loss have slowed. I feel discontent and at odds with myself and that is when I know I'm in trouble. Instead of working the steps and connecting with my Higher Power I've been trying to do it on my own and the cravings have returned. 

So today I recommit to my Higher Power and I give my struggle with food over to Her - I give my daily life over to Her and I ask for Her guidance and strength as I work toward a healthy weight and healthy relationship with food. I work on trusting in the Universe that all will work out as it should even if it's not as I might expect or like it to be. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Connecting with myself

Well, I suppose all you lovelies have been wondering just what I've been up to. Actually I can answer in one word - art. I've embarked on a new expression of my spiritual journey - Don't worry I'm still walking the 12 steps, I've just added zentangling and art journaling to my tool box.

I've been interested in visual art since high school, but haven't done a whole lot with it the last few years. My work has been elsewhere, including the whole raising of kids thing ;)......Now that they are a bit older I have time and energy for my other passions. I write as many of you know and I've been zentangling for a few months. I recently discovered art journaling and I'm hooked. I love the work I'm doing.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that becomes all encompassed by a new passion and will fixate on that one thing to the detriment of all others, so my writing has fallen to the wayside. I'll get back to it and eventually get those books published. Right now my spirit is telling me that this the work I need to be doing. I'm more grounded and focused then I've been in a while and I'm still abstinent.

Today I took a break from the art and did some gardening. I garden barefoot so right now I'm feeling so connected to the Great Mother and I just feel so at peace. I'm truly blessed.

I spent the whole afternoon with my kids outside digging in the dirt. I planted marigolds, chives and lavender around the deck because I read that they all help repel mosquitos. I planted lettuce, spinach, and bush beans in the circular bed in the front of the house. I have no idea how those things will grow, but it's worth a shot - I love being able to feed my family fresh vegis from our own yard. I just want to pick up some tomato plants and some herbs to plant and then I'll feel like I've got it all under control.

I'm very dirty right now - I let the kids have their shower and bath first so both bathrooms are being used. I'm using the time waiting to write this blog post and get you all caught up.

If you are interested in my art journal leave a comment and I'll post some pictures here on my blog - if you are a facebook friend odds are you've already seen the work in progress.

Blessings to all you lovelies out there.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

What do I need??

That is a pertinent question. For a long time every time anything happened either good or bad, I answered that question with food. I tried to fill some sort of emptiness with excess food usually sugary food; ice cream was a favorite. Celebration = food, depression = food, guilt = food, unhappiness = food. Food was my answer for everything.

Food wasn't what I really needed though. What I really needed was a healthy balanced life - a life in balance mentally, spiritually and physically. I would often work on one of these aspects of my life and forget the others in my passion for all things mental or spiritual or physical - I would lose balance. I would often lose track of my Higher Power trying to do it all on my own. I would thrive for a while, but then lose focus or get burnt out and everything would fall apart and I would turn to food.

Now that I'm in OA my focus is on working the steps and finding and maintaining a healthy relationship with my Higher Power. I give the struggle over to Her and balance is a side effect.

So once again I ask, what do I need? I need food - there is no doubt of that, but not the way I once thought. I need food only to keep me alive and healthy, not to fill some perceived void. I need air and love and balance. I need my Higher Power. I need many things, but it all starts with balance, so that's what I strive for in my relationship with that Higher Power.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Growth and time

"No single event can awaken within
us a stranger totally unknown to us.
To live is to be slowly born."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
from For Today 
published by Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.

Growth takes time. This is an important point. Changes take time. I can do the work I need to do, but it still takes patience and persistence for those changes to happen. 

Patience is hard for me. I admit it - I want it now. I want to be thin now - I want to be brave now, I want to be healed now. What I need to remember is that it takes time to grow. The proof of this is all around me in nature. The trees begin life as a small little seed then grow to a little sapling then on to a large majestic tree - this all takes time. One doesn't see trees arrive fully grown right in front of us. Spiritual growth takes time as well. 

One of the keys to spiritual growth is the work it takes to fill up that time. Yes, it takes time, but that doesn't mean that's all that is required. Just like the trees I need certain things in my environment to support growth. For spiritual growth I must make a connection with my Higher Power and then continually nurture that connection. Given that and some time - growth is assured. I just need to have faith in the process. 

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately - I've been fighting a nasty virus so haven't really felt up to much of anything except being sick. 

I'm back on my path now, so posts should occur more frequently.

Thursday, April 24, 2014


I used to hate to spend time by myself. I think I'd have been considered an extrovert once upon a time, but that has changed as I've gotten older. I've become more comfortable in my own presence and now I cherish time to myself.

I'm a stay at home mom, so I don't get a lot of that time to myself thing. Even my morning yoga is done in the living room with my hubby present and sometimes at least one kid. I often will finish the physical part and then retire to my bedroom for some quiet contemplation or meditation. I also write with others in the room most of the time. I plug in my headphones and turn on my writing station on Pandora and just try to block out my environment. The kids will come over to get my attention and up will go my finger in that universal signal for 1 minute please - they've learned to wait patiently while I finish my thought - then I give them my attention. It's the same for my artwork. I have a corner of the living room set up with my drafting table with all my art supplies and that's where I sit to do my sketching, zentangling, or quilling. One side affect of this is that I end up sharing my passions with my family - I think the kids seeing me engaged in what I love is important. It may not be a perfect system, but it works for us.

One thing I've come to really prioritize for myself is me time. My darling hubby is a champ at facilitating this for me. When he gets home from work he usually gives me some time to go to our bedroom and just be by myself. I usually read or meditate, but the being by myself thing is key. If it's been a particularly trying day - I'll get cranky if I'm interrupted, but most of the time the family is very respectful of that time to myself. I've really come to need it - that me time.

Monday, April 21, 2014

self control

This is quite the concept for me as a compulsive overeater and sugar addict. It would be nice if battling an addiction was as easy as self control. I have lots of self control when it comes to some things, but not sugar.

People who are not addicts find it very hard to understand how sugar or food can be an addiction - they don't understand why I can't just eat one little slice of pie.

Yesterday was Easter and we went to my parents' house for dinner. There was chocolate cream pie for desert and my mom offered me a slice. I turned her down - thanking her politely and she said just have a little piece. What she doesn't understand is that one tiny slice of pie would mean me sneaking in to the kids' rooms to steal their Easter candy or getting in the car late at night to go buy myself ice cream then eating the whole pint. I'm not proud of this - I'm a little embarrassed actually, but it's the truth. One taste of sugar and I lose control.

One thing I've noticed since giving up sugar and compulsive eating is that I have more self control in all other aspects of my life too. I'm much less likely to fly off the handle now that sugar is out of my system. I'm calmer, more in control of my reactions and emotions.

So today I thank my Higher Power for giving me self control - for helping me do what I cannot do myself. I'm on day 52 of abstinence and it was worth not having any chocolate cream pie yesterday - I'm free of compulsive overeating and sugar.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Who Am I?

From For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.
"There is no ache more
Deadly than the striving
to be oneself."
Yevgeniy Vinokurov

This is an important part of self recovery - getting to know oneself. The basis of who I am is that I'm a person of light and love, but my every evolving self is important to get to know and make friends with too. That is one of the goals of the 12 steps - to get to know the God of My Understanding and to get to know myself. 

I think one of the basics of who I am is that I'm a seeker of spiritual truth. I've found it many different places and in very different ways. There is a lot of truth in my spiritual path and I feel unbelievably blessed. I think this is just one component of who I am.

I'm a complex person as I believe all of us are, so trying to sum up the answer to this question in a blog post seems a daunting task. Add to that the every changing nature of personality and you see my conundrum.

I think the search for oneself is in and of itself knowledge of oneself - does that make sense? I think just looking for who am I is enough. As I work the steps, I'm bound to change and evolve into someone closer to my true self and that is all I can really ask for.

Getting to know my Higher Power is part of the process. If we are indeed created in His/Her image than we are a reflection of that Power greater than ourselves and can see bits of ourselves in that relationship.

I think this is a lifelong process and certainly can not be summed up perfectly in one simple blog post, so with that I will leave you with blessings for you journeys of self discovery.

Thursday, April 10, 2014


"Time ripens all things.
No man's born wise."
Miguel de Cervantes
from For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous Inc.

Growth takes time, but just like a little kid who can't wait to be a grownup I'm impatient. I want enlightenment NOW! I stamp my foot like a child in the middle of tantrum, wanting to have my payout before the work.

As long as I work the steps and do the work I will see the results, but in my Higher Power's time, not my own. Would I like to be thinner now? Hell yes! But.....there is obviously more I need to learn from being in this larger body. Do I have to like it? Not necessarily, but it helps to find gratitude for the journey I'm on right here and now.

Take time to stop, pause and appreciate the moment. I will never have this moment again and though I may not like all of it, there is always something to be thankful. I'm thankful that this body has taught me to slow down and learn my own limitations. I often try to do things I'm not ready for and end up hurting myself or others. Having this body has made me pause and think before I act - is this necessary? Am I really capable or do I have more to learn, do, etc before I can accomplish this task. One example of this is that I really want to hike in the mountains, my dream is to backpack on the Appalachian Trail here in Maine. Right now at 100 pounds overweight, with poor cardiovascular health and very little strength this would be a really bad idea, but with time, weight loss, conditioning, and building strength it is something I can accomplish. A rudimentary example, but a good one nonetheless. 

So today I will appreciate the journey, my ability to even be on the path of recovery and health. I will be thankful for the moment and I will relax and let things happen in their own time.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


From a page on Facebook called Wild Woman Sisterhood
"The average length of a hug between two people is 3 seconds.
 But researchers have discovered something fantastic. When a hug lasts 20 seconds, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind. The reason is that a sincere hug produces a hormone called "oxytocin", also known as the love hormone. This substance has many benefits in our physical and mental health, helps us, among other things, to relax, to feel safe and calm our fears and anxiety. This wonderful calming is offered free of charge every time we have a person in our arms, who cradled a child, we cherish a dog or cat, we're dancing with our partner, the closer we get to someone or just hold the shoulders of a friend."

This quote made me think. I don't know how accurate it is, but I do believe that hugs are good for us. I'm a hugger as many of the people in my life already know. I love hugging and I tend to hug longer than 3 seconds. I'm often told that I'm the best hugger and I think that it may be because I hug longer than the average so that 'oxytocin' is released. It's not conscious - I just like hugging. I even send lots of virtual hugs.

One of the best things about hugs is that no matter how many you give you never lose any. As a matter of fact you receive as you give - how awesome is that - hugs beget hugs!

So for your own happiness go out and hug someone today. Here's a big ((((((HUG))))))) from me to you. If you need a hug and you live nearby - I'm happy to oblige. 

art as meditation

There is an art form called zentangles (to learn more go here: The basis of the idea is to make doodles in an intentional meditative way.

I wouldn't say I do "actual" zentangles, but I've been doodling zentangle-like doodles and mandalas in a meditative way. It's incredibly relaxing and I've been making some beautiful artwork. I wouldn't say it's wall worthy, but it's filling up my journal nicely.

I spend some time every day in quiet contemplation, trying to quiet my mind and just listen. I'm successful in varying degrees. I often find my mind wandering in the oddest directions while I'm trying to still it. Honestly, it can be a little frustrating. I have, however, redecorated my bedroom, renovated the basement, created new story lines for my writing, etc. When my mind starts wandering, I try to bring it back to what I'm doing. (What can I say? I'm still a work in progress - actually I always will be. Isn't that comforting? That I don't ever have to be perfect. I just keep moving along One Day At A Time, one step at a time.) This art form has given me another form of meditation to work on quieting my mind and I find the my mind doesn't wander nearly as much - it focusing on the art.

I love my life - really. I'm so blessed to have the kind of life that allows me to follow my passions. Yesterday and today I've been obsessing a bit about meditative art and so I've put off my writing (another passion) to work on some art. Unschooling my children gives them the same freedom. The girl (my daughter) has discovered zentangles too, so she's been watching videos on Youtube about them and practicing the art form. The boy (my son) is watching Murder She Wrote because he just loves murder mysteries (Nero Wolfe and Hercule Poirot are a couple of his favorite tv series too. Now if I could just get him to read Rex Stout and Agatha Christie.)

I've been very relaxed the last couple of days and feeling very focused. My brain is getting a workout - one of the many reasons I love art. It may look like I'm "wasting" time, but the reality is I'm working with my imagination and exercising my brain.

If any one is interested and would like more information you can check out the website above or check for videos on Youtube. Of course I'm also more than willing to show you in person if you live nearby or chat about it in the comments here or on Facebook.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A Spiritual Awakening

For most of us in program a spiritual awakening is not a flash in the desert, but is rather a gradual process. I think this is true of me.

I've been in program for probably about a year and a half and it has taken me all that time - including a time of relapse - to really rediscover my Higher Power. My awakening has definitely been gradual - little by little, day by day, step by step, moment by moment until I realized I had reestablished a connection with my Higher Power. It happened so naturally that I almost didn't recognize it.

But, here I am. Writing about my spiritual journey through the steps - awakening out of a time of deep depression - blinking my eyes at the coming light.

I'm grateful - oh so grateful for the 12 step program of OA because not only has it helped me rediscover my Higher Power, but in doing so it helped me rediscover myself. I was lost in the desert and I slowly made my way back to who I am. Changed and better, but still Hope.

I have a very varied spiritual path. I grew up as a Christian in a Congregationalist Church attending Sunday School and going to services on holidays. I converted to Catholicism in my teenage years then discovered Wicca in college. I've attended church services of many types within the Christian faith and been parts of Pagan circles. I've studied Shamanism and worked with beautiful Shamanic healers. Ultimately, at this point in my life, I feel called to an eclectic paganism that incorporates my entire Spiritual Journey. I've had to be reawakened to my spirituality various times throughout my life as I wandered off the path of my journey, but somehow I've always found myself making my way back to a rich spiritual life. At this point my path is along the 12 steps of OA and has led my back to the Goddess who has claimed me for this time.

I am blessed to be called to this Spiritual Journey and though it may have so many twists and turns that now one else could find their way - it's my way and I am thankful for it.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Community has become hard for me - actually I think it's always been hard for me, but due to a falling out with a number of friends I'm finding even harder to trust than I used to.

I've made babysteps over the last year in rebuilding community and making friends. First I began going to OA meetings and met some wonderful people who were a supportive community of mostly women who understand what it's like being controlled by addiction. That was a wonderful discovery for me. I still have a hard time relating to these women outside of meetings though - it's hard for me just to pick up the phone to say hello - I mean why would anyone want to waste their time talking to me - I'm awkward and uncomfortable in social situations and I just don't know what to say. Having said that I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. After being in OA for a while, I and my family joined a homeschool co-op that meets once a week during the school year. This has been important because I've begun working on finding community for my kids. We've lived in isolation for a couple of years now, so this is important work we are doing as a family.

It's hard - I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes I hate it. Not only have been going to this co-op, but I also have been teaching classes. Teaching is a bit easier then I expected; it's the social niceties that I find difficult. I have a hard time keeping up my side of a conversation. I just don't know what to say a lot of the time. I tend to keep my passionately held believes to myself and I absolutely avoid conflict - I don't think it really serves any purpose - I feel people have the right to their beliefs and opinions whether I may or may not agree with them. I used to enjoy a good debate especially if it was with someone I loved. Now that I've lost a number of people I loved because they disagreed with me, I find it hard to disagree with anyone - I'd rather just keep my mouth shut. I'm not likely to change anyone's mind anyway. Live and let live.

Yesterday I reconnected with a family that was part of a community I was once very involved with. I'd drifted away from them and then closed down. I was able to explain to them what happened and they were so wonderfully supportive and understanding. I'll be honest I still felt a bit awkward, but I also felt loved and accepted for who I am and that was a gift. I am so grateful that my friend was willing to reach out to me and invite me to their home. They are a lovely family that I have quite a bit in common with, so it was good not to have to hide - I still did a bit, but it was nice knowing I didn't have to.

I guess I'm coming to understand that community still has a place in my life and I've really short changed my children this last couple of years in the idea of "protecting" them. Sort of backfired. I just ended up with unhappy lonely children. We as a family are rectifying that, but it takes time and I'm still standoffish. It's hard watching my kids jump in with no regard to their feelings. Everyone is their best friend and I'm so worried they are going to get hurt, because I did. I lost my 2 best friends. But - that is just part of life and it's my job to be here to help them learn to deal with hurt when it happens, to help them heal and pick themselves back up and try again. I do this by example and that's just what I'm trying to do.

Community is important and I don't have to have just one community. I'm a multifaceted person, so it would make sense that I would have more than one community to find support and friendship.

So today I'm grateful for community. My community of OA, my homeschooling community, my Facebook community, and my very small community of family and friends. Thank you all for being there for me and letting me be there for you.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

Self acceptance

This is a tough one, because I'm called to complete self acceptance, not partial self acceptance. This means I must love all of me just as I am in this moment.

This is a tall order to be honest. It's easy to love the parts of me that I find positive: my loving, kind nature, my open heart, my acceptance of others, my talents. But....this is not all I am. I can't love me and hate my fat - it's part of who I am in this moment. I can't love myself and hate my selfishness - that's part of me too. I need to look at all of me good and bad and accept that this is who I am in this moment a complete fallible person worthy of love and acceptance.

It's easy for me to love my friends and family, foibles and all, but I judge myself so much more harshly. I think because I have moments of selfishness, than that makes me a selfish person and means I'm not worthy of love. The opposite is true, because of my moments of selfishness I need more love to help me get beyond that one moment and find a place of selflessness.

Does that make sense? I love my children unconditionally even though they may have done things that were very wrong. That doesn't mean that I stop loving them - they need my loving acceptance even more to help them learn from their mistakes and grow from them rather than being stuck in an unhealthy place making the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm no different, I need the loving guidance of my Higher Power and the gift of self acceptance so that I can grow beyond my foibles, my mistakes. Who I am is the sum of all those parts, not just those parts separate from each other. I have to take the good with that bad. That's how it works.

So today, I turn to my Higher Power who accepts for who I am in this moment unconditionally and I pray for the gift of self acceptance. I work at loving myself as I am right now because I am grateful for who I am, who I was and who I will become, but right now is what is important. I'm grateful that I am on this journey of self discovery and spiritual awakening called the 12 steps.


journeying on......

Thursday, April 3, 2014

touching others


Another wonderful quote from For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.

"Want is a growing giant whom the coat 
of have was never large enough to cover."
                                                                               Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday I talked about serenity and how that is my goal rather than happiness. I still enjoy feeling happy, I just don't feel it is necessary to be happy all the time, I'd much rather feel peaceful and in harmony. One of the keys to this is to have my wants in balance with my haves.

What does that mean? I have to think hard about this one. I think ultimately the key here is gratitude, being grateful for all I already have and wanting what I have rather than always searching for more - wanting more. In my case a specific example is the ever present more food, more sugar, which I think I try to convince myself can take the place of love. That's what I'm really looking for I think - more love.

Never mind that I'm already loved. I have a family that in spite of character defects or maybe even because of them loves me. I have friends that love me. Most importantly I have a Higher Power that loves me. And for the first time in my life I can truly say that I love me.

What is the best way to experience love? I believe it is to love more - to love the people in my life, love the trees all around me, love my pets, the wind, the sun and mostly to love my Higher Power. Discovering more love in myself helps me love myself and realizing that I already have love means I don't have to want more love. 

The goal is to fill that hole in myself with so much love and gratitude that there is no more room for compulsive overeating or cravings for sugar. 

I have so much to be grateful for and so many people to love - even those who may no longer like me or love me. I can still love them and pray for them - wish the best for them. I don't need them to love me back to feel the love I have for them. They don't even need to know I love them to benefit from my love. It just needs to be. 

All my life I've been drowning in wants - I want, I want, I want (maybe I said I need, I need, I need, but what I meant was want). I just kept forgetting what I already have. Now thanks to the 12 steps and my deepening relationship with my Higher Power I can focus more on being grateful for what I have - I can want what I already have - specifically love, cuz really that's all it boils down to. Love of others and love of self. I have a healthier relationship with myself than I have for years. Lots of therapy and some working of the program got me here. Accepting I need a Higher Power to take control of my wants and my needs was key. 

Luckily that is something I have always had. I've always had a loving Higher Power that has been taking care of me even when I wasn't aware of it. What a blessing! How blessed am I.

My wants and haves are more in balance then they probably ever have been. Of course that doesn't mean I don't still want - I do - I still want things I don't necessarily need. Remember I'm a work in progress. We say in program "progress not perfection" - I don't have to ever have the pressure of an expectation of perfection, what is important in my recovery is progress - spiritual progress because this a spiritual program at it's heart. As we find and work on the spiritual answer to our problems we find balance in the spiritual, mental and physical. I'm a libra - I like balance, so this all works out well for me.

Today I am grateful. I'm grateful for the love in my life, for the love I can feel for others, for my love of nature, for my Higher Power, for my love of writing, and I'm grateful for all of you. The ones who take the time to read these words. Thank you for being here and reading. May you be blessed.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


Another wonderful quote from For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.:

"The greatest happiness you can have
is knowing that you do not 
necessarily require happiness."
                                                                                        William Saroyan

This really struck me as profound. I actually read it a few times before I decided to blog about it today.

When I was in the midst of my compulsive overeating I was trying to obtain happiness using food. How silly is that? I wasn't happy so I'd search for happiness in the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I may have found temporary pleasure, but it wasn't happiness and who says I need to be happy all the time anyway? There is a lot of pressure in trying to be happy all the time.

I think that misconception may have been one of the reasons I suffer so often from depression - my expectations do not meet with reality. For some reason I've been conditioned to believe that in order to have a good life I must always be happy.

Since I've started working on my depression and how to deal with all my emotions, I do have more periods of happiness; more importantly I know fully feel sadness and just neutrality: not feeling happy or sad, just being comfortable in my skin with myself and my Higher Power. It's incredibly freeing.

I've always believed that we need the happy and the sad - 2 sides to every coin and all that, but I never really accepted the sad - it was just a phase that helped me better feel the happy and the goal was always to get out of the sad to the happy. Now I don't necessarily have to feel either. I can just be.

I try to live in a state of gratitude, but these even lead me to that wonderful feeling of being in that neutral place between the peaks of happy or sad. It's a peaceful place to be - a place of the serenity talked about in the Serenity Prayer that I try to say everyday at least once.

"God(dess) grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference. 

It's a powerful little prayer and reminds me that Serenity is my goal, courage and wisdom alongside it - not happiness. 

Having rediscovered my spiritual relationship with my Higher Power is really the greatest gift that OA has given me. I feel blessed to have Her loving arms around me every day as I meditate and pray. That place in Her arms of peace and warmth and serenity are what I strive for - those moments are even better than happiness.

Blessings to you all.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

turning it all over

Turning my will over to my Higher Power does not mean I'm no longer taking responsibility for my life. It means simple that I'm trying to align myself with the focus of the Universe. To me that means Love.

Love is the primary purpose of all creation. I truly believe this. All things come from love and return to love. I need more love in my life - I think we all do.

One of my greatest struggles is love of self. I fear being selfish more than anything and I struggle with the concept of self love not being selfish. In order to show kindness, compassion and love to others unconditionally, I need to have love for myself. In essence in order to be unselfish I need to love myself. That is where it all starts.

Ultimately what it comes down to, is that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally even when I'm messing up - even in the worst of my compulsive eating, my Goddess was with me loving me and supporting me - I just didn't acknowledge it. Who am I to be so self centered as to think that my Higher Power is wrong and shouldn't love me. I was created to be a being of love and light. I love others for their potential why do I inside on hating myself.

I love me and that is a selfless act - it makes life for all those around me better, because it allows me to love them.

I will not apologize for my self love and I will probably not stop struggling with it - I've been conditioned to believe that my defects of character and my mistakes make me unloveable. This isn't so - I can still love me - it's imperative for me to love me more because I need love to over come those defects of character and to learn from those mistakes.

So for today, I will forgive myself and I will take time to love myself.


Monday, March 31, 2014

a daily decision

Okay - step 3 - "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the the care of God as we understood Him" (or in my case Her)

This is an active step. I need to make a decision and that can be hard for me - especially the thought of giving up that much control of my life. I spend so much of my time taking responsibility not only for my own actions, but the actions of others. If there is a way to, I will take the blame. This step seems like a cop out to me. I give my will and life over to my Goddess, but but but - there are no buts to this step.

I'm the one taking this step - I'm the one making the decisions, so I'm not ducking out of my responsibility - I'm facing my responsibility and making the decision that will lead me to serenity, acceptance, peace, and ultimately abstinence.

I do this step every morning during my meditation time. I start by praying and giving this day - giving my will over to my Higher Power. I make this decision anew every day knowing that abstinence and serenity are some of the things my Higher Power wants for me. I trust - I surrender - giving myself over to something greater than myself. It's an empowering and peaceful moment for me every morning. Then I try to empty my mind and just listen. Some days I'm more successful than others.

This is a decision that I have to make every day sometimes more than once in a day if I find myself wandering off my path. I pull myself back with prayer to my Higher Power and somehow it becomes easier to do the right thing.

I'm called for this to be a lifelong journey, so I have to stop looking ahead and thinking what if. I need to just focus on one day at a time and let my Goddess take care of tomorrow.

Today I give my will and myself over to you dear Morrigan to do as you will. Bless me and keep me strong as I battle my addiction alongside you. Blessed be.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

hope & gratitude

This is my new profile picture on Facebook. I love it. It represents something very special to me. The summer I lost my son Arlo there was an enormous hatching of monarch butterflies - I saw them everywhere. One of the many symbolic meanings of butterflies is life after death or rebirth, so for me monarch butterflies came to represent the rebirth of my little Arlo. 

Now, you take that personal meaning and add my name to it - wow profound stuff. Hope means a lot to me. As my name I think of it as a personal journey and what I'm meant to bring to those who come into my life. I don't know that I succeed, but my personal journey has definitely been one about discovering hope in my life.

I'm grateful for those lessons about hope. I have it in abundance now. I'm filled with it especially in regards to my recovery from addiction. I have faith and hope that I will recover to find physical, spiritual and mental health. I will continue to learn to live in the beautiful vessel the Universe has seen fit to gift me with. I have hope that the path I am now on will bring me future greater physical health and I will be able to once again do a lot of the things I would like to (like backpacking along the Appalachian Trail). 

I believe that one of the major tools to finding hope in my life is gratitude. When I find gratitude in my heart than that just showers me with more hope for things to come. And I'm blessed to have many gratitudes in my life, my family, my friends, the Earth, my Higher Power, the 12 Steps, AA and OA literature, my pets, myself, my experience, strength and hope, and all of you taking the time out of your busy (or maybe not so busy) lives to read this blog.

What blessings the Universe has showered me with! What blessings and hopes has the Universal Higher Power blessed you with today? I'd love to hear about them. Feel free to share them here or on my Facebook page. Let's fill the world with just a little more gratitude. 

Blessings to you all.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

What do I really know?

It is impossible to begin to learn that
which one thinks one already knows.

I had to read this one a few times before I really got it. Read again if you have to. I'll wait.......okay? It's a hard quote to get my head around. It was the reading in my OA book For Today from this morning. It of course got me thinking.

One of the things that I had to do when I came into the OA program is to have faith in the steps. Unfortunately I was so busy lying to myself that I knew it all and had it all figured out to find that faith. I was already a spiritual person, but I wasn't a Christian so deep down inside I felt like it couldn't work for me. I had a couple of months of abstinence and lost some weight, but then I relapsed and sugar gained control of my life once again. It was humbling to say the least.

But then last autumn I went on an OA retreat. There was a wonderful speaker and the work of the weekend was an extensive study of the 12 steps. Now I never got past step 3 - to be honest I never really got past step 1 because I was stuck on the language of the Big Book and the steps all the talk of God made me feel like my Goddess wasn't right and that I was wrong; I would never fit in and I would never find "real" abstinence. Now, I have to be clear here - this was my own stuff - I was never excluded because of my spirituality and there is lots of language that is inclusive - the terms Higher Power and GOMU (God Of My Understanding) are both inclusive terms meant to help agnostics and those of other spiritualities find their place in OA (or any other 12 step program for that matter). I and my Goddess were being welcomed with open arms - I just didn't see it because I knew better.

I had a spiritual awakening that weekend. My Goddess Morrigan came to me - She sent crows outside the window to catch my attention and when I began to listen She spoke to me telling me She was with me helping me and supporting me. She is a Goddess of war and I've always been a little afraid of what she stands for, but she was clear that my battle with addiction is just that a battle so why wouldn't it make sense to have Her on my side. It was an a-ha moment that filled me with such peace and joy and hope.

Now admittedly it did take me another 3 or 4 months to surrender and do what I knew I needed to, to welcome abstinence into my life. But I opened the lines of communication with Her that weekend and we are good now. I pray everyday and take time to listen in meditation. I also use my body to worship by practicing yoga at least 3 days a week.

Everything has changed in the last 29 days but the changes that are evident started that Saturday in November when I looked out the window on that sunny day and saw three crows flying back and forth trying to get my attention.


Thursday, March 27, 2014



I love this definition of insanity and it really describes the insane relationship I have with food. I would use any excuse I could to eat things that weren't healthy for me and then expect that this time I wouldn't have a food hangover the next morning or that it would actually make me feel better about whatever situation I was eating over - if eating didn't solve my problems of loneliness yesterday why would I think it would today?

I have a really messed up relationship with food. I keep expecting foods, especially sugary foods to make me feel better. There is a certain visceral experience to eating these foods - the feel of them in my mouth are what attracts me to them - I feel more connected to something outside myself. But it's a lie and no amount of wishing is going to change that. For me, sugar is a poison and that pint of ice cream I ate last night that gave me a hangover this morning is going to do the same thing tomorrow - that plate of cookies I made to nurture my family is going to be eaten by me - they'll be lucky if they get even one each. Insanity!!

I have 26 days of abstinence today - that means 26 days of no sugar, 3 meals a day no in between snacks, no processed foods - I feel so much better than when I was deep into the food. That visceral connection I was looking for I now find in yoga and meditation - in my connection with a great Earth Goddess who is my Higher Power who fills me with love and peace and hope. Instead of eating to find that experience, I take time out of my day every day to search out - reach out for that connection and to find and experience self love.

I've stopped the insanity or at least held it at bay with the intercession of my Higher Power, my studies of the 12 steps, and of course the support and love of my fellows in OA. Truly how blessed am I? How grateful I am for my Higher Power, for the freedom in this country to worship the way I feel called to. How thankful am I for the love and acceptance I find around me if I just take the time to look. The Blessings all around me touch my life in a much more real way now that my mind is not stuffed with the fog of compulsive overeating and sugar addiction. I enjoy everything so much more - I've discovered an ability to focus my time and get more done.

My day is pretty simple, but oh so profound in it's simplicity. I write every day now - on this blog and working on writing projects. I actually believe that my dream of publishing one of my novels will come to fruition. How exciting is that? A brand new dream - just discovered a couple of years ago - and I can make it come true now that I don't have sugar and overeating standing in my way. 

And it's so much easier to face, conquer, and move beyond those fears that I talked about yesterday. 

Does my life look sane from the outside? Probably not - I'm not the picture of conformity and many believe conformity = sanity. To me sanity = peace, peace in my heart that tells me what I'm doing is right and following the will of my Higher Power. 

It's weird to be at peace with myself - it's weird to love myself - but it's also freeing. I still fight it - that insanity that I've lived with for so long is comfortable and familiar; shaking up my life this way is challenging, oh but the peace and self love is so worth it. 

I'm beating the insanity of my addictions and I'm growing into the being of light and love I was meant to be. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the correct path for me. My journey is long and has had a lot of bumps in the road, but look how far I've come - just a couple of years ago I was in the hospital because I had lost all hope and wanted to end it all. Now look at me. 

Blessings to all of you reading this blog. I hope you all find something in it that speaks to you. Thank you for your support and love. Please continue to like and comment here and on facebook.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Reflections on fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -
not absence of fear."
                                                                                  Mark Twain

I've been thinking about fear a lot over the last couple of days and how much power I give this emotion in my life. There are a few experiences and decisions that I'm avoiding because of fear. Things I want for myself, but fear stands in my way. 

It's like a wall between me and my goal - standing strong or maybe crumbling along the edges, but present nonetheless. It's up to me to turn to my Higher Power and take the strength of Her love to knock it down and find freedom. .......But, I'm scared.

There are a couple of wonderful friends that I feel called to spend some time with, but I'm afraid to contact them. Fear of rejection right there. One of them has even suggested we get together, yet still I'm afraid.

I'm also stalled in my step work in OA because I really need to be working with a sponsor to proceed most efficiently. I'm afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. Once again fear of rejection, but in this case also fear of making the wrong choice - fear of failure.

Those are probably 2 of my biggest fears - rejection and failure. I avoid so much in my life because of these 2 fears. What's sad is that not only am I missing out on relationships, but I'm depriving others of the joy that it would to have a relationship with me. I admit it - it's hard to believe that others may want to be friends with me. Deep down inside I know that I have a lot to offer others - I'm kind, compassionate, loving, talented, nonjudgmental - all things I look for in others, so why wouldn't others want to be friends with me?

This is one of my biggest struggles - fear - fear that I just won't ever be good enough. 

Now the interesting thing about fear is that, for me, it's double edged. I'm not only afraid of failure, but I'm also afraid of success. What if I prove I am good enough? I'd have to stop beating myself up and I'd no longer have the need to punish myself for my shortcomings. That's pretty intense stuff to think about. Not only am I afraid of failure I'm afraid of success, not only am I afraid of rejection, I'm also afraid of acceptance because that would prove I'm wrong about myself and that I am worthy of being a friend. That could be fear of change. 

Now fear isn't all bad. Yup the Libra in me now rears up her head to point out the sometimes fear helps us. Maybe I have fear because I'm not ready yet, maybe my fear is protecting me. For instance, I'm afraid of heights - they make me dizzy. Fear keeps me away from the edge of high places so when I get dizzy I won't fall. This is obviously a very simplistic example, but I think you know what I mean. I think we all know deep down inside when fear is serving us and when it is blocking us. 

At this point in my recovery - my spiritual journey - fear is really standing in my way. The wall is crumbling, but it's not down yet. I know what my spirit wants and needs, but my fear is still trying to protect me when I may not really need to be protected. It's like a big brother who doesn't want me to take care of myself. 

It's time.....Time to grow beyond my fear......To call on my Higher Power to help me master my fear.....To face those fears and knock them down with the sledgehammer of Her love......It's time.

Blessings to all of you as you face your fears or use them to your benefit to protect yourselves.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Every Day

care in wishing

"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."

This was part of my OA reading today. How many times have I prayed for something or wished for something to have that wish come true in a twisted way that just made me feel worse? It's hard not wishing, but so worth it to live in a place of gratitude for what I already have, because I honestly have so much.

For instance, I used to work third shift at LLBean. I loved my job and the people I worked with, but the hours were killing me. I remember wishing I could stay home again and be a stay at home mom. Then I got sick - I had an inner ear problem that caused me to completely lose balance at very inconvenient times, eventually getting so bad that I would fall every time I tried to do anything. I ended up walking with a walker. It took a long time for doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I had to take a leave from work - I was a stay at home mom again - not in the way I intended, but that eventually let to a serious depression that caused me to be hospitalized and I had to come to the realization that third shift was not right for me and would only contribute to further problems with depression. I ended up leaving my job. 

Eventually this was a blessing. I'm now a stay at home mom again, but wow was the pathway here a challenge. Being sick in this way was really really hard on me and even more so on my family. My kids lost their mom for a couple of years. I'm back now, working hard to become a better version of me and I'm loving myself more than I have in a long time. Some bad stuff happened on the way here. My kids really went through a lot. Hopefully they have come out the other side stronger and wiser, but I still feel I should have been able to protect them. In trying to protect them I think I may have made things worse. 

Trickle down is happening. Our whole family is in a better place now - it took a long time to get here though. All because I wanted to be a stay at home mom again. I wish I had just had the strength to quit my job back then, though I still may very well have gone through all this to get to where I am now. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to make the necessary changes in our life for growth and health.

Now I try, and I think mostly succeed, to live in the moment - day by day grateful for the mistakes and choices I've made - for those things are what have made me the person I am today. Today I celebrate that. I'm grateful for this moment, this day. I'm right where I'm supposed to be learning what I need to learn. 

Blessings all.

Monday, March 24, 2014

step 2

Today begins my study of step 2 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This book is the go to for study of any twelve step program. So even though I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict, this book written for alcoholics, is relevant to my recovery. I just replace the word alcohol with food. It works. Anyway, step 2 - "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

My behaviors and attitudes about food, have in the past been insane. I could sit here and type up all kinds of embarrassing behaviors, but suffice it to say - I was insane - I am insane in many ways and my insanity with food bleeds into other behaviors in my life.

This step teaches me that my powerless over food - learned in step one - has lead to my insane behavior which I can not change without a Power greater than myself. That's pretty big stuff. Now in a 12 step program it is important to remember that one's Higher Power is the God of My Understanding. I got really stuck on the step for a long time because my faith is outside the parameters of Judeo-Christian philosophy and I really got stuck on the word God. My divinity is feminine in nature - for me a Mother figure is much easier to relate to. The language of a lot of the writing in my 12 step program OA (Overeaters Anonymous) is based on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous which was written by men for men in the 1930's. Sometimes that makes it hard for me to relate to.

I need to open my mind and my heart to my Higher Power to see the way these writings relate to me. Right now I've begun using a book called The Little Red Book for Women to help me study the Big Book. It's really helped me find truth in a tool written for a different audience. However, whether male or female, we all need Something Greater than ourselves to find abstinence and sobriety.

Every day, I begin my day with yoga and/or meditation and during that time I pray. I pray to my Higher Power (a Celtic goddess, Morrigan) to take my day and do with as She wills. In the quiet of my heart I always hear that she wants me to be healthy in my choices. I take the time everyday to give it over to Her and I can feel Her support and love flow through my soul leading me to sanity.

My sanity has been restored One Day At A Time through the intercession of my Higher Power and I feel so blessed that I found OA and AA to teach me the tools I need to find abstinence. I have been gifted 23 days of abstinence by my Higher Power and I will continue to take this journey path by path, step by step, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I will be grateful for every breath I take.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Little Blessings

The first flowers of spring.
I have snow drops growing along the edge of my driveway and seeing them bloom first thing in the spring fills me with such joy, faith and hope. I'm really looking forward to seeing these little blessings bloom with the crocuses. They are little promised the Great Mother has made with all of us that the cycles of the Mother continue.

Just my thought for the day.

Saturday, March 22, 2014


I have a disease, an addiction that compromises my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict. Both of these conditions have contributed to break downs in my own mental and spiritual health as well as in my relationships with others and myself. I've found a spiritual program to treat my addiction, but does that mean I can ignore the physical?

No. For me, true health includes emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Having said that I believe that in order to reach physical health I need to work on the spiritual.

I've done a lot of work over the years on my mental/emotional and spiritual health. I've been lazy with my physical health, but working the steps of OA and starting a spiritual/physical practice in yoga are all ways I can return myself to balanced holistic health.

Fancy word holistic. According to the dictionary, one meaning is: of or relating to the medical consideration of the whole person, physically and psychologically, in the treatment of the disease.

For me that means in order to get whole health I have to treat my whole person starting with the spiritual - that connection with a Power greater than myself. I've already proven I cannot fight this addiction on my own - I can't even find the will to fight it, but with the help of my Higher Power and the fellows in OA that She has brought me to I can and will find holistic health.

Honestly, my spiritual connection has never really been in doubt - I've always acknowledged and found comfort in a Higher Power, in my case, showing Herself to me as a great Earth Goddess who nurtures and loves me unconditionally. I've worshiped in my heart, in ritual, and in journeying, but I've never given this struggle - the struggle for physical health over to that Goddess. I never really considered that I should. I look this way and feel this way through my own fault so I felt I had to get better on my own. How egotistical of me. I had no problem asking a therapist for help with my emotional and psychological health using prayer and meditation to find that, I had no problem asking my lovely local shamans for health with the spiritual and emotional, and I looked to my doctor for help with the psychological and physical, but never thought to ask my spiritual Source for help with the physical. If prayer and meditation can help with my spiritual, emotional, and psychological health then it only makes sense to call on that spirituality for the physical as well. Especially since I could no longer even find the will to do it myself.

Through a holistic approach focusing on the spiritual tools in my arsenal, I have managed 21 days of abstinence - 21 days of 3 meals a day - no in between eating, no added sugar, no compulsive eating to try to numb my emotional and spiritual pain. I've blogged every day, meditated every day, done yoga 3 days a week, and attended many online OA meetings. I've turned this addiction over to my Higher Power and I feel better, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm finding holistic health.

Admittedly, I'm in my honeymoon phase. It all feels fresh and new. I don't expect a crash, but it could happen and if it does I can write here about it, I can call an OA friend, I can go to a meeting, I can take time out to prayer or meditate. I have tools that I can replace food with. I'm blessed to have a loving Higher Power that cares and supports me and gives me strength to do the work I need to do to find holistic health.

Friday, March 21, 2014

little blessings

Is it so small a thing
To have enjoyed the sun
To have lived light in the spring
To have love, to have thought,
to have done?
by Matthew Arnold
(taken from For Today published by Overeaters Anonymous Inc.)

One thing I think I'm good at is seeing the little blessings in life as something important in my world, something to be grateful for. I think I'm conscious of the little things in life; the sunrise or sunset, a hug from someone I love, the kisses of my dog, the purrs of a cat, the birds outside my window, that first sip of coffee first thing in the morning.

This morning I had one of those moments. I was doing my yoga warmup and working on my core and I realized the movements that I was doing were easier than they were on Wednesday when I last did my yoga practice. I was so excited and so grateful that I could see the differences in my body as I work on strengthening and stretching my body toward more health. Not only did I notice the difference but the girl did and she made a point of letting me know she noticed. How blessed am I to have the support of my 10 year old as I try to make positive changes in my life? I'm so grateful for my yoga and for my daughter.

So many of my blessings are little things and really, don't all those little things make up most of life? They fill up the time and space between the big things and there are more of them than the big things. If I spend the time noticing the little things, I spend more of my time in a place of gratitude and that brings me closer to my Higher Power.

I challenge you to take a look around you today and try to find just one little blessing in your life that seems small, but is really big. Take a moment to feel gratitude for that one little blessing - it could change your life. If you feel led please take a minute or two to share that blessing with  me here or on my Facebook page.

Blessings are all around us. Look See!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Happy First Day of Spring or Blessed Ostara

The following picture is dawn on the Spring Equinox at Stonehenge. It represents for me the promise of Spring and the launch of a new season with a new dawn.

We're celebrating Ostara (or the Spring Equinox) this morning with 3 or 4 inches of new snow that fell last night. This morning it's drizzling rain and it seems as though winter will never end.

But I know it will. I have faith and hope for the future. Spring with singing birds and fresh green grass will come and I'll plant a garden and maybe do my yoga outside. I just have to remind myself to be patient.

This is a good time of year for cleansing. I've already been working on that with my abstinence. I've cut all sugar out of my diet and have done so successfully for 20 days now. Ten more days and I'll have reached 30 days of abstinence. Yay me!

I'm thinking of doing a personal retreat and fasting cleanse for 24 hours at or around the 1st of April. I'll spend some time on my own, cleansing my mind, spirit and body. I'm not sure yet if it will be possible, but it's being considered.

This really is a special time of year. A time of new beginnings of rebirth or growth. I love it. As the weather gets warmer and the ground gets muddier I feel renewed with vibrant living energy. The best part is that here in Maine it happens gradually so I have time. I have time to wake slowly from my winter slumber, to blink my eyes at the brightening sun and peel off my layers bit by bit. I love this time of year - oh let's be honest I love all times of the year. I feel the cycles of the earth in the seasons reflected in my emotions and physical experiences.

A plow truck just drove by - it's the first day of Spring, but there is no rush. I just have to sit back and watch the world change around me and as it happens I feel the change within.

What a blessing the seasons are and how lucky am I to live here on this sacred ground.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I thought I'd write about something different this morning. I'm writing a novel - actually I wrote a novel and now I'm editing it. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now - I have on my daily schedule from 9AM to noon - editing. Yes I schedule my day to help me stay on track. Some people would find this stifles their creativity, but I find it makes room for mine and gives my day purpose so I actually get things done.

Right now I'm fighting the process. I found a wonderful book Rock Your Revisions that describes and maps out a specific process for revising or editing a book. (Technically 2 different terms I'm sure, but I use them interchangeably) Anyway, I know that if I follow certain steps I can make this process more organized and less chaotic. For some reason, unlike my schedule, I'm fighting it because I'm afraid (there's that word again) that I'll lose my creativity and my writing voice using this system or any system for that matter. I need to remember that this novel is already in my voice and anything that I write from here on in will still be in my voice because I'll write it.

This system, for lack of a better word, gives my creativity a framework in which to reach it's fullest potential rather than just writing for writing sake. I want to self publish this book, so I have to make the work approachable to readers. My creativity needs to flourish, but it also needs to be understandable and approachable - it needs to make sense. I want it to be my best work and I have to remember that I'm not handing this off to another author so this will still be my voice. I need to trust the process.

There's another of those familiar words again - trust. Trust and fear seem to be two really important words in all aspects of my life. I guess I'm being told that my work these days is to face my fear and trust myself in all things.

Look I learned something about myself today.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


I'm torn about what to write about today. On one hand during meditation this morning I was struck by the interconnectedness of all beings and how that relates to me and my feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, my OA readings this morning caused me to think about the lies I used to tell myself about my relationship with food.

Perhaps this two subjects are more interrelated than I first realized. First and foremost many of the lies I tell myself are not conscious lies - I don't set out to fool myself, but that's what I end up doing. For instance I fought the solution to my food behaviors for a long time because I didn't want to give food any control over my life, but the reality was that food already had control. I didn't want to face that fact.

My connection to the divine and to others is similar. I need in some way to feel alone - to feel lonely - perhaps as a sort of proof that I don't deserve to be loved. (I know I know that self esteem stuff once again rears it's ugly head) Yes, my hesitancy about reaching out to others is based on fear, but perhaps I'm lying to myself that I'll be rejected (even by those who have proved to me they care about me) because part of me still believes I deserve to be. I've made many mistakes in some of my past relationships and because of that lost quite a few friends. I felt betrayed and reacted by cutting those people out of my life. Perhaps I was hasty, perhaps they still care for me and want to be friends, but I went running. Could I trust again? I don't know, but I do know that I shouldn't let myself believe the lie I tell myself that I'm all alone and deserve to be that way.

I'm far from alone. Just by nature, I'm interconnected with all life. I'm a part of a greater whole. The whole of humankind, the whole of the Earth Herself and the whole of the Universe. I need to take time to acknowledge the fine thread of light and love that connects me to each of you and to the Universe as a whole. I'm part of this. Me being alone is like believing my elbow is alone. My elbow can't be alone because it's part of the rest of my body. It is only by cutting myself off from the rest of existence and not reaching out to my fellows that I feel alone. Just because I feel something doesn't make it true.

Now does this mean I don't have to reach out to others? No, after writing yesterday's post it obvious to me that I need to feel more physical connection with other people. Even more than that I want more connection with others. I need to reach out to my fellows and make friends. The people I'm already connected to on some level and who may very well want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs are a good place to start.

This is pretty heavy stuff for first thing in the morning. These are the kinds of things that float into my mind as I meditate. These are the thoughts I try to put aside so I can sit in silence and still my mind. Putting these thoughts aside until I can sit here in front my computer and share them with all of you. I hope this day finds you as grateful and blessed as I am.

Blessings all.

Monday, March 17, 2014

physical, emotional and spiritual relationships

I know I've been writing about my journey with food addiction a lot lately - to be honest that writing has really been helping my recovery so I hope you don't mind but I'm going to write more about it.

The physical addiction to sugar is only one level of my addiction; there are factors underlying that physical addiction that make sugar and food in general even more baffling and cunning in my life. Sugar is a hard physical addiction to get over - I still feel it's effects even 17 days after giving it up. I still have a little bit of head fog and headaches and oh the cravings - my mouth waters at the thought of sugary snacks. On the other hand after 17 days I'm beginning to see the positive effects of giving up sugar and following a food plan. My mind, though still occasionally in a fog is much clearer, my body feels cleaner and the headaches are much milder. I have faith that before too long I'm going to feel so much better.

Meanwhile I'm also working on the underlying emotional and spiritual reasons my addiction took over my life. The reasons I tried to escape from my emotions using sugar and food. I've addressed a lot of the emotional stuff in therapy so I feel I have a good handle on that stuff, but the spiritual stuff is still a work in progress. I need a strong spiritual life to keep me physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. The thing is I consider myself a spiritual person - I feel connected to my Higher Power if I just take the time to stop and think and feel. The problem is that I get complacent and loose track of that. Days will pass when I just don't tap into my spirituality. One of the reasons I've managed to stay abstinent for 17 days is because I'm making a conscious effort to be present with my Higher Power and with my spiritual self everyday. What a difference in my life. What a blessing I give to myself.

I don't want to make it seem like I've got it all together, I don't, but my life is more peaceful and I'm more present in all I do. I'm taking time to do the things I feel are important. I'm interacting more fully with my family especially my kids. I'm working on my creative self and focusing on making that creative self become a career not just a hobby. Will that work out? I don't know, but I have hope and I know that I have to try. 

I'm making strides moving along my path instead of sitting exhausted unable to travel the journey that is my life. I was stagnant for so long - then I was healing, now I'm traveling - still healing, but healed enough at this point to function again - to see my path and to travel along it. I feel connected again - to the earth, my Goddess, and my spirit guides and it feels so comforting not to be alone anymore.

I'm still working on having personal relationships with others outside my immediate family. I'm trying to muster up the courage to reach out to people I feel spiritually and personally drawn to. I made some good strides with that yesterday reconnecting with an old friend from college over the phone. What a blessing it is to re-find someone that meant a lot to me from my past. Someone that I've missed over the years and thought of often and fondly. I'm glad I took the chance to talk to him, it felt good. It gave me hope that I may be strong enough to spend time with people without the comfort of the internet between  us. Hope that I can reach out and be physically present with people rather than just emotionally, mentally and spiritually present. I love my internet friends - the people I've connected with on Facebook have helped keep me going the last few years, but I feel a lacking that I don't have friends that I spend time with in person. I need to learn to trust again and my internet friends have helped me get ready for this next step. 

I won't lie - I'm scared. What if they don't want to be friends with me? What if the people in my life that I want to be more fully present for don't want me in their lives anymore than I already am. I hate rejection - it makes me feel not enough. I know in my heart I am enough and I know logically it may not be anything personal or it may be that I can't be everything to everyone, but if I were to reach out right now and get shot down I'm not sure if I'd be able to reach out again for a long time. Wow, my heart is racing just thinking about it. Maybe I'm not ready to leave my nest yet......This part of me remains stagnant - I know I'm called by my Higher Power to more. She has put certain people in life for a reason and I have to trust that those relationships are necessary to the other person as well as for me. But I've been hurt so badly in the past that it is hard to take this step. 

Blessings to all of you that read this blog. I want you all to know that I appreciate each and every one of you. I hope I can inspire some of you or maybe even make you just feel less alone in your own journeys. I write just this blog for myself and open up my journey in hopes that others may get something from it. Your comments here and on Facebook mean so much to me. Thank you. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014


This spoke to me, so I wanted to share it with you all.....


What does food do for me? I eat compulsively for a variety of reasons - nutrition being low on the list. Or rather I should say I used to eat for a variety of reasons - nutrition low on the list. Now that I'm abstinent I eat for nutrition. I enjoy what I eat, but nutrition is the primary reason I eat now and pleasure is just a side effect.

Before OA I'd eat for pleasure first and foremost or to numb my feelings or to escape from hardship or to take my frustration and anger out on myself. None of these are healthy reasons to eat. Eating should be about keeping my body alive and healthy not for emotional reasons. When I eat for reasons other than nutrition I can't control it and will eat well beyond what is good and right for me. When I add sugar to the mix - look out!

I am not alone in this addiction there are many of us that have an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of overeat, eat compulsively, binge, purge or just don't eat at all. These food behaviors all have things in common.

I've spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand why I have the unhealthy relationship with food that I do and there was some merit to that search. I've now reached a point in my life that I just need to change how I interact and use food in my life. I've chosen to use a 12 step program to heal spiritually, emotionally, and physically because at least for me - I need a spiritual solution. I need help outside of myself from a Higher Power and from my sisters and brothers that suffer alongside me.

Does this mean I don't take any of the responsibility for my recovery? No of course not. I'm the one that has to use my free will and make the choice to ask for help and do the work that is necessary to recover. I'm the one that has to pray, meditate, follow a food plan and work the steps. I just acknowledge that for me, the solution is one of a spiritual nature and that help from my Higher Power is what is needed. I need a relationship with something outside of myself and because I feel a connection with the feminine divine and because I feel Her most strongly when I'm in nature - I feel called to a nature based spirituality.

I've struggled a long time, about a year and a half, with how my Higher Power compares to the Judeo-Christian Higher Power and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. There is no comparison because it really isn't all that different. The bells and whistle of worship may differ, but the relationship with the Divine is inherently the same.

As you can see I think about my relationship with my Higher Power a lot. I pray in my own way and my own time seeking silence as much as any other form of communication. The key is that relationship.

I'm feeling blessed today. Blessed and thankful that I have a loving Goddess who loves me, a community who understands me and people who accept me and don't judge me even if they may not understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure there are lots of people out there that do judge me and that want little or nothing to do with me. I wish I could say it doesn't matter to me, but it does. I'm filled with sadness and fear that I can't be what everyone wants me to be. But.....I am what I am and I've worked damn hard to get here. I've read and written and talked and prayed and discovered and journeyed and drummed and sat and listened and spoken and shared and been turned away and been judged and cast aside. I've loved and been loved. I've shut down and shut people out and turned away from situations that were no longer healthy for me. I've made mistakes and I've probably grown and learned more from those mistakes than from anything else. I wish I could do more, but who I am is pretty amazing. I love hard and completely, I accept others and try really hard not to judge. I'm a good person at heart. I love who I've become. I'm still a work in progress, still calling upon my Higher Power for strength and transformation, still on my life's journey following the many paths ahead of me, but I've already come so far and I honor that part of my journey for the joy and blessing that it is.

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm beautiful and blessed and oh so very very grateful for it all.