"Want is a growing giant whom the coat
of have was never large enough to cover."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yesterday I talked about serenity and how that is my goal rather than happiness. I still enjoy feeling happy, I just don't feel it is necessary to be happy all the time, I'd much rather feel peaceful and in harmony. One of the keys to this is to have my wants in balance with my haves.
What does that mean? I have to think hard about this one. I think ultimately the key here is gratitude, being grateful for all I already have and wanting what I have rather than always searching for more - wanting more. In my case a specific example is the ever present more food, more sugar, which I think I try to convince myself can take the place of love. That's what I'm really looking for I think - more love.
Never mind that I'm already loved. I have a family that in spite of character defects or maybe even because of them loves me. I have friends that love me. Most importantly I have a Higher Power that loves me. And for the first time in my life I can truly say that I love me.
What is the best way to experience love? I believe it is to love more - to love the people in my life, love the trees all around me, love my pets, the wind, the sun and mostly to love my Higher Power. Discovering more love in myself helps me love myself and realizing that I already have love means I don't have to want more love.
The goal is to fill that hole in myself with so much love and gratitude that there is no more room for compulsive overeating or cravings for sugar.
I have so much to be grateful for and so many people to love - even those who may no longer like me or love me. I can still love them and pray for them - wish the best for them. I don't need them to love me back to feel the love I have for them. They don't even need to know I love them to benefit from my love. It just needs to be.
All my life I've been drowning in wants - I want, I want, I want (maybe I said I need, I need, I need, but what I meant was want). I just kept forgetting what I already have. Now thanks to the 12 steps and my deepening relationship with my Higher Power I can focus more on being grateful for what I have - I can want what I already have - specifically love, cuz really that's all it boils down to. Love of others and love of self. I have a healthier relationship with myself than I have for years. Lots of therapy and some working of the program got me here. Accepting I need a Higher Power to take control of my wants and my needs was key.
Luckily that is something I have always had. I've always had a loving Higher Power that has been taking care of me even when I wasn't aware of it. What a blessing! How blessed am I.
My wants and haves are more in balance then they probably ever have been. Of course that doesn't mean I don't still want - I do - I still want things I don't necessarily need. Remember I'm a work in progress. We say in program "progress not perfection" - I don't have to ever have the pressure of an expectation of perfection, what is important in my recovery is progress - spiritual progress because this a spiritual program at it's heart. As we find and work on the spiritual answer to our problems we find balance in the spiritual, mental and physical. I'm a libra - I like balance, so this all works out well for me.
Today I am grateful. I'm grateful for the love in my life, for the love I can feel for others, for my love of nature, for my Higher Power, for my love of writing, and I'm grateful for all of you. The ones who take the time to read these words. Thank you for being here and reading. May you be blessed.