Wednesday, June 11, 2014

my Higher Power speaks to me

Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Instinct is the word I use for that little voice inside me telling me in an instant what is true. I believe that voice is my Higher Power trying to speak to me. Some call this voice intuition, or gut feeling. I know in my heart it is the Universe trying to get my attention.

I often try to reason this voice away using logic to negate what I know I should do. This is when I relapse or lose track of my path. This can set me back and make me question everything about my life. It leads to me questioning my very self worth.

When I listen to that voice of instinct - that voice of my Higher Power - I am brought back to a place of self worth and self love. This is the voice that tells me I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of health, that I'm a good mother, wife, human being. That I'm exactly where I need to be in this moment - my journey is being fulfilled in my every breath. 

What a comfort to know that I just need to quiet my logical mind and listen to that little voice of my Goddess to know that I am loved. So are all of you. 


Tuesday, June 10, 2014


This is something I'm in sort supply of. I admit it - I really like instant gratification. I hate surprises and I don't want to wait. One of the things that's hard for me in terms of program is that I need to wait for the weight to melt off. I'm in program to find spiritual progress and fight the disease of compulsive eating not to lose weight. The weight loss is just a side effect of become spiritually healthy. That's the hard part - I feel like I'm taking the steps so the weight should just go away. It took me over 40 years to gain all this weight I need to be patient and let the program make the changes in my life that need to happen and then over time the weight will go down to a healthy number.

Honestly, I barely have the patience to sit here and write this post. I just want it to be done so I can go on to the next thing in my life. What a waste.....I'm missing out on so much not letting myself enjoy each moment as it happens. I have very little patience considering I'm someone who's goal is to live in the moment. Now that is the goal - it's something I work toward not something I'm already good at.

Right now in this moment I'm sitting on my futon, writing this post on my laptop while my daughter watches Netflix and my son hangs out in his room. All in all a typical Tuesday morning. I don't have anything especially pressing for the rest of the day - some reading with the girl, working in my art journal and maybe some writing later in the day. I'm not feeling overwhelming drive to do any of these things, yet I feel like I need to hurry and get this done so I can move on to other things. It's's really just a lack of patience in my life.

So for today - One Day At A Time - I ask my Higher Power to help me with patience - grant me patience to take my day one moment at a time.

Monday, June 9, 2014


"We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it."
-William Hazlitt

"Let go and let God" is one of the catchphrases of a 12 step program. For me this is a difficult one - I'm a bit of a control freak and feel that to take responsibility for my actions I must study and think long and hard about everything that I do. This quote and this catchphrase remind me that I have to stop thinking about it and just do it. I have to get out of my own way and let my Higher Power run the show - do the overthinking  for me. 

Does that mean I don't think before I act? No not at all, it just means that once I've giving it thought and prayer and meditation - then I have to just go ahead and do what I feel led to do. I can't let myself become frozen in thought which I often do. I want to control the outcome of my every decision and action and that just isn't practical - it isn't going to happen. I can't control what happens around me - just my reaction to what happens.

Back when I was in college, the sportswear company Nike had an advertising campaign based on the phrase "Just Do It". I had a professor who told us many times that this is good advice in most things in our lives. That struck me back than and even now - I often remind myself to "Just Do It" or I won't get anything done at all.

There comes a time in our lives that we need to stop thinking and just do and that is when we give it over to our Higher Power - that moment when we give in to the action and stop thinking about it is when we submit and give it over. I've done my part and I've made the decision to give it over to the Universe - to my Higher Power - to trust that things will work out the way I expect or even more importantly the way they are supposed to. That is what giving it over to my Higher Power means to me - Trust. 

Trusting in the outcome that should be rather than the one i expect or want.

I've not been trusting my Higher Power for the last month or so - I've been trying to run the show myself. I've managed to stay abstinent, but I've not been working the program so growth and weight loss have slowed. I feel discontent and at odds with myself and that is when I know I'm in trouble. Instead of working the steps and connecting with my Higher Power I've been trying to do it on my own and the cravings have returned. 

So today I recommit to my Higher Power and I give my struggle with food over to Her - I give my daily life over to Her and I ask for Her guidance and strength as I work toward a healthy weight and healthy relationship with food. I work on trusting in the Universe that all will work out as it should even if it's not as I might expect or like it to be.