Saturday, March 29, 2014

What do I really know?

It is impossible to begin to learn that
which one thinks one already knows.

I had to read this one a few times before I really got it. Read again if you have to. I'll wait.......okay? It's a hard quote to get my head around. It was the reading in my OA book For Today from this morning. It of course got me thinking.

One of the things that I had to do when I came into the OA program is to have faith in the steps. Unfortunately I was so busy lying to myself that I knew it all and had it all figured out to find that faith. I was already a spiritual person, but I wasn't a Christian so deep down inside I felt like it couldn't work for me. I had a couple of months of abstinence and lost some weight, but then I relapsed and sugar gained control of my life once again. It was humbling to say the least.

But then last autumn I went on an OA retreat. There was a wonderful speaker and the work of the weekend was an extensive study of the 12 steps. Now I never got past step 3 - to be honest I never really got past step 1 because I was stuck on the language of the Big Book and the steps all the talk of God made me feel like my Goddess wasn't right and that I was wrong; I would never fit in and I would never find "real" abstinence. Now, I have to be clear here - this was my own stuff - I was never excluded because of my spirituality and there is lots of language that is inclusive - the terms Higher Power and GOMU (God Of My Understanding) are both inclusive terms meant to help agnostics and those of other spiritualities find their place in OA (or any other 12 step program for that matter). I and my Goddess were being welcomed with open arms - I just didn't see it because I knew better.

I had a spiritual awakening that weekend. My Goddess Morrigan came to me - She sent crows outside the window to catch my attention and when I began to listen She spoke to me telling me She was with me helping me and supporting me. She is a Goddess of war and I've always been a little afraid of what she stands for, but she was clear that my battle with addiction is just that a battle so why wouldn't it make sense to have Her on my side. It was an a-ha moment that filled me with such peace and joy and hope.

Now admittedly it did take me another 3 or 4 months to surrender and do what I knew I needed to, to welcome abstinence into my life. But I opened the lines of communication with Her that weekend and we are good now. I pray everyday and take time to listen in meditation. I also use my body to worship by practicing yoga at least 3 days a week.

Everything has changed in the last 29 days but the changes that are evident started that Saturday in November when I looked out the window on that sunny day and saw three crows flying back and forth trying to get my attention.


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