I love this definition of insanity and it really describes the insane relationship I have with food. I would use any excuse I could to eat things that weren't healthy for me and then expect that this time I wouldn't have a food hangover the next morning or that it would actually make me feel better about whatever situation I was eating over - if eating didn't solve my problems of loneliness yesterday why would I think it would today?
I have a really messed up relationship with food. I keep expecting foods, especially sugary foods to make me feel better. There is a certain visceral experience to eating these foods - the feel of them in my mouth are what attracts me to them - I feel more connected to something outside myself. But it's a lie and no amount of wishing is going to change that. For me, sugar is a poison and that pint of ice cream I ate last night that gave me a hangover this morning is going to do the same thing tomorrow - that plate of cookies I made to nurture my family is going to be eaten by me - they'll be lucky if they get even one each. Insanity!!
I have 26 days of abstinence today - that means 26 days of no sugar, 3 meals a day no in between snacks, no processed foods - I feel so much better than when I was deep into the food. That visceral connection I was looking for I now find in yoga and meditation - in my connection with a great Earth Goddess who is my Higher Power who fills me with love and peace and hope. Instead of eating to find that experience, I take time out of my day every day to search out - reach out for that connection and to find and experience self love.
I've stopped the insanity or at least held it at bay with the intercession of my Higher Power, my studies of the 12 steps, and of course the support and love of my fellows in OA. Truly how blessed am I? How grateful I am for my Higher Power, for the freedom in this country to worship the way I feel called to. How thankful am I for the love and acceptance I find around me if I just take the time to look. The Blessings all around me touch my life in a much more real way now that my mind is not stuffed with the fog of compulsive overeating and sugar addiction. I enjoy everything so much more - I've discovered an ability to focus my time and get more done.
My day is pretty simple, but oh so profound in it's simplicity. I write every day now - on this blog and working on writing projects. I actually believe that my dream of publishing one of my novels will come to fruition. How exciting is that? A brand new dream - just discovered a couple of years ago - and I can make it come true now that I don't have sugar and overeating standing in my way.
And it's so much easier to face, conquer, and move beyond those fears that I talked about yesterday.
Does my life look sane from the outside? Probably not - I'm not the picture of conformity and many believe conformity = sanity. To me sanity = peace, peace in my heart that tells me what I'm doing is right and following the will of my Higher Power.
It's weird to be at peace with myself - it's weird to love myself - but it's also freeing. I still fight it - that insanity that I've lived with for so long is comfortable and familiar; shaking up my life this way is challenging, oh but the peace and self love is so worth it.
I'm beating the insanity of my addictions and I'm growing into the being of light and love I was meant to be. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the correct path for me. My journey is long and has had a lot of bumps in the road, but look how far I've come - just a couple of years ago I was in the hospital because I had lost all hope and wanted to end it all. Now look at me.
Blessings to all of you reading this blog. I hope you all find something in it that speaks to you. Thank you for your support and love. Please continue to like and comment here and on facebook.