Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Reflections on fear

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -
not absence of fear."
                                                                                  Mark Twain

I've been thinking about fear a lot over the last couple of days and how much power I give this emotion in my life. There are a few experiences and decisions that I'm avoiding because of fear. Things I want for myself, but fear stands in my way. 

It's like a wall between me and my goal - standing strong or maybe crumbling along the edges, but present nonetheless. It's up to me to turn to my Higher Power and take the strength of Her love to knock it down and find freedom. .......But, I'm scared.

There are a couple of wonderful friends that I feel called to spend some time with, but I'm afraid to contact them. Fear of rejection right there. One of them has even suggested we get together, yet still I'm afraid.

I'm also stalled in my step work in OA because I really need to be working with a sponsor to proceed most efficiently. I'm afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. Once again fear of rejection, but in this case also fear of making the wrong choice - fear of failure.

Those are probably 2 of my biggest fears - rejection and failure. I avoid so much in my life because of these 2 fears. What's sad is that not only am I missing out on relationships, but I'm depriving others of the joy that it would to have a relationship with me. I admit it - it's hard to believe that others may want to be friends with me. Deep down inside I know that I have a lot to offer others - I'm kind, compassionate, loving, talented, nonjudgmental - all things I look for in others, so why wouldn't others want to be friends with me?

This is one of my biggest struggles - fear - fear that I just won't ever be good enough. 

Now the interesting thing about fear is that, for me, it's double edged. I'm not only afraid of failure, but I'm also afraid of success. What if I prove I am good enough? I'd have to stop beating myself up and I'd no longer have the need to punish myself for my shortcomings. That's pretty intense stuff to think about. Not only am I afraid of failure I'm afraid of success, not only am I afraid of rejection, I'm also afraid of acceptance because that would prove I'm wrong about myself and that I am worthy of being a friend. That could be fear of change. 

Now fear isn't all bad. Yup the Libra in me now rears up her head to point out the sometimes fear helps us. Maybe I have fear because I'm not ready yet, maybe my fear is protecting me. For instance, I'm afraid of heights - they make me dizzy. Fear keeps me away from the edge of high places so when I get dizzy I won't fall. This is obviously a very simplistic example, but I think you know what I mean. I think we all know deep down inside when fear is serving us and when it is blocking us. 

At this point in my recovery - my spiritual journey - fear is really standing in my way. The wall is crumbling, but it's not down yet. I know what my spirit wants and needs, but my fear is still trying to protect me when I may not really need to be protected. It's like a big brother who doesn't want me to take care of myself. 

It's time.....Time to grow beyond my fear......To call on my Higher Power to help me master my fear.....To face those fears and knock them down with the sledgehammer of Her love......It's time.

Blessings to all of you as you face your fears or use them to your benefit to protect yourselves.

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