I'm torn about what to write about today. On one hand during meditation this morning I was struck by the interconnectedness of all beings and how that relates to me and my feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, my OA readings this morning caused me to think about the lies I used to tell myself about my relationship with food.
Perhaps this two subjects are more interrelated than I first realized. First and foremost many of the lies I tell myself are not conscious lies - I don't set out to fool myself, but that's what I end up doing. For instance I fought the solution to my food behaviors for a long time because I didn't want to give food any control over my life, but the reality was that food already had control. I didn't want to face that fact.
My connection to the divine and to others is similar. I need in some way to feel alone - to feel lonely - perhaps as a sort of proof that I don't deserve to be loved. (I know I know that self esteem stuff once again rears it's ugly head) Yes, my hesitancy about reaching out to others is based on fear, but perhaps I'm lying to myself that I'll be rejected (even by those who have proved to me they care about me) because part of me still believes I deserve to be. I've made many mistakes in some of my past relationships and because of that lost quite a few friends. I felt betrayed and reacted by cutting those people out of my life. Perhaps I was hasty, perhaps they still care for me and want to be friends, but I went running. Could I trust again? I don't know, but I do know that I shouldn't let myself believe the lie I tell myself that I'm all alone and deserve to be that way.
I'm far from alone. Just by nature, I'm interconnected with all life. I'm a part of a greater whole. The whole of humankind, the whole of the Earth Herself and the whole of the Universe. I need to take time to acknowledge the fine thread of light and love that connects me to each of you and to the Universe as a whole. I'm part of this. Me being alone is like believing my elbow is alone. My elbow can't be alone because it's part of the rest of my body. It is only by cutting myself off from the rest of existence and not reaching out to my fellows that I feel alone. Just because I feel something doesn't make it true.
Now does this mean I don't have to reach out to others? No, after writing yesterday's post it obvious to me that I need to feel more physical connection with other people. Even more than that I want more connection with others. I need to reach out to my fellows and make friends. The people I'm already connected to on some level and who may very well want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs are a good place to start.
This is pretty heavy stuff for first thing in the morning. These are the kinds of things that float into my mind as I meditate. These are the thoughts I try to put aside so I can sit in silence and still my mind. Putting these thoughts aside until I can sit here in front my computer and share them with all of you. I hope this day finds you as grateful and blessed as I am.