Monday, March 17, 2014

physical, emotional and spiritual relationships

I know I've been writing about my journey with food addiction a lot lately - to be honest that writing has really been helping my recovery so I hope you don't mind but I'm going to write more about it.

The physical addiction to sugar is only one level of my addiction; there are factors underlying that physical addiction that make sugar and food in general even more baffling and cunning in my life. Sugar is a hard physical addiction to get over - I still feel it's effects even 17 days after giving it up. I still have a little bit of head fog and headaches and oh the cravings - my mouth waters at the thought of sugary snacks. On the other hand after 17 days I'm beginning to see the positive effects of giving up sugar and following a food plan. My mind, though still occasionally in a fog is much clearer, my body feels cleaner and the headaches are much milder. I have faith that before too long I'm going to feel so much better.

Meanwhile I'm also working on the underlying emotional and spiritual reasons my addiction took over my life. The reasons I tried to escape from my emotions using sugar and food. I've addressed a lot of the emotional stuff in therapy so I feel I have a good handle on that stuff, but the spiritual stuff is still a work in progress. I need a strong spiritual life to keep me physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. The thing is I consider myself a spiritual person - I feel connected to my Higher Power if I just take the time to stop and think and feel. The problem is that I get complacent and loose track of that. Days will pass when I just don't tap into my spirituality. One of the reasons I've managed to stay abstinent for 17 days is because I'm making a conscious effort to be present with my Higher Power and with my spiritual self everyday. What a difference in my life. What a blessing I give to myself.

I don't want to make it seem like I've got it all together, I don't, but my life is more peaceful and I'm more present in all I do. I'm taking time to do the things I feel are important. I'm interacting more fully with my family especially my kids. I'm working on my creative self and focusing on making that creative self become a career not just a hobby. Will that work out? I don't know, but I have hope and I know that I have to try. 

I'm making strides moving along my path instead of sitting exhausted unable to travel the journey that is my life. I was stagnant for so long - then I was healing, now I'm traveling - still healing, but healed enough at this point to function again - to see my path and to travel along it. I feel connected again - to the earth, my Goddess, and my spirit guides and it feels so comforting not to be alone anymore.

I'm still working on having personal relationships with others outside my immediate family. I'm trying to muster up the courage to reach out to people I feel spiritually and personally drawn to. I made some good strides with that yesterday reconnecting with an old friend from college over the phone. What a blessing it is to re-find someone that meant a lot to me from my past. Someone that I've missed over the years and thought of often and fondly. I'm glad I took the chance to talk to him, it felt good. It gave me hope that I may be strong enough to spend time with people without the comfort of the internet between  us. Hope that I can reach out and be physically present with people rather than just emotionally, mentally and spiritually present. I love my internet friends - the people I've connected with on Facebook have helped keep me going the last few years, but I feel a lacking that I don't have friends that I spend time with in person. I need to learn to trust again and my internet friends have helped me get ready for this next step. 

I won't lie - I'm scared. What if they don't want to be friends with me? What if the people in my life that I want to be more fully present for don't want me in their lives anymore than I already am. I hate rejection - it makes me feel not enough. I know in my heart I am enough and I know logically it may not be anything personal or it may be that I can't be everything to everyone, but if I were to reach out right now and get shot down I'm not sure if I'd be able to reach out again for a long time. Wow, my heart is racing just thinking about it. Maybe I'm not ready to leave my nest yet......This part of me remains stagnant - I know I'm called by my Higher Power to more. She has put certain people in life for a reason and I have to trust that those relationships are necessary to the other person as well as for me. But I've been hurt so badly in the past that it is hard to take this step. 

Blessings to all of you that read this blog. I want you all to know that I appreciate each and every one of you. I hope I can inspire some of you or maybe even make you just feel less alone in your own journeys. I write just this blog for myself and open up my journey in hopes that others may get something from it. Your comments here and on Facebook mean so much to me. Thank you. 

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