Monday, February 23, 2015

It all comes crashing down (or at least it seems to)

Well my world has all coming crashing down or at least it feels that way. Last week the timing belt went on my VW station wagon. It was stressful and uncomfortable, but we got through the breakdown with no injuries or accidents. The car just quit at an intersection and some kind folks helped push the car into a parking lot - all was dealt with. Hubby called around and got some quotes and it seemed like it wouldn't be much more than an inconvenience. I managed to stay abstinent and even kept my Serenity for the most part (yes I had to say the Serenity prayer a lot). I had a lot to feel grateful for.

Anyway - the car went to the mechanic today and things are worse then they seemed - the engine needs to be replaced. I'm not feeling so grateful anymore or serene......

I'm stressed - we have 2 homeschool co-ops we belong to and we would have to give up one if we go to a one car family, but only if Hubby would be willing to tweak his schedule. The kids and I would be stuck at home even more than we are now. We don't go out a lot, but we do enjoy the occasional trip to the beach in the summer or one of the state parks. I take the kids to see their friends from time to time and all of that would end.

The worst part is that I feel guilty about it. Isn't that stupid!? I mean there is no way I could have known this would happen or have any control over the situation. Cars break down - it happens - they wear out and stuff just happens. I'm feeling a little guilty about the purchases we've been making lately, but even that happened because we didn't know the car would crap out. We just bought a new washer and dryer - the old ones were older and didn't have very good energy efficiency, so ultimately we'll save money and it was really kind of needed, but now it's money that could have been spent to save the car. It doesn't matter in my warped mind that we couldn't have known the car would die at the time of the appliance purchase.

I'm just so self centered that I feel the need to make something my fault that really isn't. I feel like there is something I should be able to do to fix it all. I can't, so I feel helpless and yes that leads me back to unhealthy thinking and cravings for food I shouldn't eat. Gosh those old patterns are hard to break!!!

But - I will. My Higher Power is reminding me that I am not in control here. The Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings even when it doesn't feel like it. Right now I just need to focus on my abstinence and my belly dancing class tonight and trying to do what is healthy for me. So....I'm sitting here writing on my blog instead of eating and when I'm done I'll go make some art to help me work through it all.

I'm angry - angry that this happened, but I don't like anger so I'm trying to turn it inward. I'm frustrated - having that second car with our lifestyle is kind of important and just as I seem to be getting a handle on so much I'm reminded that I don't need to have a handle on it. I just need to trust and man is that hard for me.

My beautiful daughter keeps telling me that it's all going to work out. "Out of the mouths of babes". She's right - I know somewhere deep down inside that all will work out, but just as we seem to get things together financially - something happens - like the car breaks down.

Oh well.....

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.


  1. Fear and anger are an over-focus on the self. Love and peace are a focus on others. You'll likely find more healing when you stop imagining that you are the central pivot point for All Things That Go Wrong, and instead look outwards. How can you help others? How can you emotionally support your family in their lives (rather than they needing to emotionally support you). Do not mistake looking inward with blame, pity, self-loathing, and fear for spiritual seeking.

    When you are on a spiritual quest, you are going inwards in order to step AWAY from the physical world to connect with the divine to get guidance there (mainly for how you can be a help to others, which is the ultimate spiritual path according to many). When you blame your inner self, it's only the superficial self you're blaming. The soul cares not for your physical dramas, and sits back and laughs in love, wondering when you'll realize that you and everyone and everything around you are ONE.

    Therefore, there can never be any blame. It is all for learning, not for judging. Take the focus away from yourself, and you'll start to heal.

  2. Thank you for your comment - this is what I'm on the path towards. Still a work in progress, but also needing to learn to look outside my own self - especially toward my Higher Power to find that place of healing.