Anyway - the car went to the mechanic today and things are worse then they seemed - the engine needs to be replaced. I'm not feeling so grateful anymore or serene......
I'm stressed - we have 2 homeschool co-ops we belong to and we would have to give up one if we go to a one car family, but only if Hubby would be willing to tweak his schedule. The kids and I would be stuck at home even more than we are now. We don't go out a lot, but we do enjoy the occasional trip to the beach in the summer or one of the state parks. I take the kids to see their friends from time to time and all of that would end.
The worst part is that I feel guilty about it. Isn't that stupid!? I mean there is no way I could have known this would happen or have any control over the situation. Cars break down - it happens - they wear out and stuff just happens. I'm feeling a little guilty about the purchases we've been making lately, but even that happened because we didn't know the car would crap out. We just bought a new washer and dryer - the old ones were older and didn't have very good energy efficiency, so ultimately we'll save money and it was really kind of needed, but now it's money that could have been spent to save the car. It doesn't matter in my warped mind that we couldn't have known the car would die at the time of the appliance purchase.
I'm just so self centered that I feel the need to make something my fault that really isn't. I feel like there is something I should be able to do to fix it all. I can't, so I feel helpless and yes that leads me back to unhealthy thinking and cravings for food I shouldn't eat. Gosh those old patterns are hard to break!!!
But - I will. My Higher Power is reminding me that I am not in control here. The Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings even when it doesn't feel like it. Right now I just need to focus on my abstinence and my belly dancing class tonight and trying to do what is healthy for me. So....I'm sitting here writing on my blog instead of eating and when I'm done I'll go make some art to help me work through it all.
I'm angry - angry that this happened, but I don't like anger so I'm trying to turn it inward. I'm frustrated - having that second car with our lifestyle is kind of important and just as I seem to be getting a handle on so much I'm reminded that I don't need to have a handle on it. I just need to trust and man is that hard for me.
My beautiful daughter keeps telling me that it's all going to work out. "Out of the mouths of babes". She's right - I know somewhere deep down inside that all will work out, but just as we seem to get things together financially - something happens - like the car breaks down.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.