I think I may be there - that rock bottom that so many addicts have to reach before finding real sobriety. My body has turned against me - I'm at what I believe is my highest weight and I can feel every ounce of it. I'm having a hard time catching my breath and my back hurts almost constantly. I'm feeling helpless and at the complete mercy of my addiction.
Just a couple of years ago I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt - I think I was in better shape physically then than I am now. Emotionally I'm not better than I was back then. My addiction feeds my depression and my depression feeds my addiction. I'm caught in a state of stasis.
I know how to get out of this low place - I need to work the steps and go to meetings - I need to give up sugar. Sugar is killing me little by little - I can feel myself dying and let me tell you it is not a good feeling.
So I've been deep in contemplation about how to go about changing my life - finding the strength to actually do the work I need to do to get out from under the control of my addiction. I've been praying and trying to figure out what is lacking in my life. Trying to figure out why I'm frozen.
I thought maybe I should go see my doctor and get my meds adjusted (I'm on a couple of antidepressants), but that doesn't seem like the right answer. I know the work I need to do is spiritual in nature, so I've turned inward and I've discovered a few things about myself.
I've come a long way since that hospital stay. I'm no longer suicidal - so nobody panic! But I realized, I still have not managed to find consistent love for myself. I'm starting to believe that I can not listen and hear the love my Higher Power has for me until I discover that love in myself. This was a bit of revelation.
I was reading a friend's blog (http://www.starcatscorner.com) and she introduced me to Christine Kane's website (http://christinekane.com/launch/opt-in/woty-b/) and the concept of the word for a year. I did this worksheet and realized that my word for this year is Self Love. That is what I'm really focusing on for myself.
I think the process of working the steps while simultaneously working toward self love will finally get me back to a place of abstinence. I will open to the love my Higher Power has for me and I will know peace.
Yes that means I need to be more faithful about attending my OA meetings because I can not do this alone. First and foremost I need my Higher Power, but I also need my community, those who understand this disease and who love me for who I am - only because I need to be loved.
That doesn't mean that there aren't others in my other communities that see my worth. I have great support from my Facebook family and my homeschooling community.
A lot of this self reflection was spurred by a lovely woman who went through her own battle with suicidal feelings this past Autumn and was quite public about her experience. Her strength reminded me of my own. She reminded me of my worth and all that I've worked for in therapy and in my spiritual life. It's taken me a few months to finally figure some of this out, but her ability to be as open about her struggle as I was when I went through my own battle reminded me that I matter - my struggle matters and by sharing what I'm going through I may be able to help others while helping myself.
So I have decided to return to my blog. I've been away from it for a long time - months and months, but one of the tools of program is writing and I've discovered that my blog is a wonderful way for me to reach out to others to share my experiences, but to also get the support I so desperately need.
I've been isolating - all I've been doing is what I absolutely have to for my kids homeschooling groups. I haven't been letting others know that I need help. So this is me letting you know I need help.
I have a wonderful community of people who care about me and see me for the beautiful being of light and love that I truly am. I can't see that right now, so I'm going to let you all see me and remind me that I'm worthy - that I'm loved - that I'm beautiful - that I'm not defined by my struggles, but rather by who I am.
I have a long way to go and right now I can't do it alone, but I've forgotten how to ask for help. So here I am asking for help - just a word of encouragement or an invitation for coffee or even just a prayer. I don't know what else to do. I've tried to do it on my own, but one thing has been made clear to me - one thing my Higher Power has communicated to me is that I do not have to do this alone.
I'm not alone and I need to believe that I'm worth helping - that I'm worth loving. That I make a difference by just being. My friend Jenn in that last year of her life showed me this and somehow I've lost track of it all. I feel her healing love, gently reminding me that I don't have to be alone and that I have to be strong enough to not only ask for help, but to also believe I deserve it.
So thank you. Thank you for reading this blog post - I've sort of cut myself open and let it all out here on this page. Thank you for not judging and just reading this with compassion and love. Thank you in advance for whatever you may feel comfortable doing even if it's just a quick prayer or even a loving thought. I've made an important step with these words - thank for being witness to that.