That's how I'm feeling in regards to my body - betrayed. Every little thing makes me short of breath and my back hurt. Just getting up to walk across the room is work. I hate this so much and I can blame no one but myself. Blaming doesn't help though - so self forgiveness is a key part of this process for me.
So is getting up and moving. Monday I was invited to take part in a beginner belly dancing class. I decided after a lot of debate in my own head to attend. My daughter and I arrived with no expectations and ready to try to have some fun.
I won't lie to you all - it was hard - fun but hard. It was hard emotionally as well as physically. It's hard to be the person in the back of the room sitting watching everyone else while trying to catch my breath. I loved the experience and hated it too. Mostly I just felt self betrayal. I cried on the way home - embarrassed that I've let myself get to such a place - unfit, unhealthy and unhappy. So many physical activities I want to take part of and right now I just can't.
The worst part is that I need to work through the pain to get to the other side. I have to be uncomfortable to rediscover comfort in my body. We need to work together, my body, my mind and my soul to find a place of physical health and I'm not talking about weight loss here. I'm sure weight loss will happen, but if I could do the physical activities I want with the body I have I would - I can't - my joints ache, my back hurts, I have a hard time breathing. So the goal is fitness, but part of that is weight loss. Mostly I just want to be happy in all aspects of my life; physically, mentally, and spiritually. That's what the 12 steps are for - to help me find that balance of health, through connection with my Higher Power - "He/She will do for me what I cannot do for myself".
The good news is that after I cried Monday night, I realized that I had had an abstinent day - no refined sugar at all. We stopped on the way home to pick up some oranges for a snack that night - not ice cream and let me tell I felt like I'd earned ice cream - but the reality is I'd earned something better for my body so water and oranges it was. And I've stuck to it - 3 days of abstinence and counting!
As part of this whole awakening of my mind and soul, I've made some decisions about my physical form. I've ordered a new yoga mat and strap so I can start up with my yoga practice again. I've also uploaded an app to track walking on my iPhone. Hopefully these tools will help encourage me to continue moving my body. And yes, I'm going to continue with the belly dancing class. The instructor is a friend and is so very supportive - the class is also wonderful in their support and I didn't feel in the least judged by any of them, so as hard as it was for me I am going to continue. I feel strongly about working through my baggage and continuing because honestly - I had fun! It felt good to move my body, to dance. I love to dance anyway, so this is good exercise for me.
It took me a few days to really sit with my feelings about Monday night and what the experience dredged up for me, that's why I haven't blogged until now. Tuesday morning my reading from the OA book For Today was about getting our self worth from our Higher Power and not from others - it really resounded with me after the night before. I'll be honest here, I was afraid all those young girls with their thinner and fitter bodies were judging me. I don't think they were, but even if they were - I shouldn't care, I was there to help myself get healthier and have a good time. I felt the Universe was calling me to be there as a form of self care. I have to be true to that on this path of recovery.
So that's what's going on with me - a goal set to get up and move my body along with 3 days of abstinence so far. My but God is good.