There is a battle going on inside of me - two voices yelling at each other. 'You are worthless - you screw this up and that up - you don't do enough for others - you're selfish and useless!' The other yells in response to this voice, 'What are you talking about?! Just being a being of light and love makes me worthy! I think of others first a lot of the time! I try to be a good wife and mother and friend - to be a good, compassionate, loving, nonjudgemental person! Why am I beating myself up this way. I know deep inside that I deserve good things.' These two voices battle it out inside me. (Don't worry they aren't actual voices - just my subconscious battling it out)
Being a Libra, my first instinct is to listen to both voices and begin analyzing both sides of this argument. I can find honesty and truth in both sides so I end up frozen in inaction unable to listen to either voice, because honestly in some ways they both make sense.
A friend sent me a link to an interview with Richard Rohr and Oprah Winfrey. Now, honestly, I'm not the biggest Oprah fan, not that I have anything against her - there is just so much hype surrounding her that I just don't really pay attention. (Let's be honest, I'm usually doing the introspection thing). Anyway, this interview just really struck a chord with me - Richard Rohr's concepts just blew me away. So I bought his most recent book Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self. First I have to let you know I just started reading it - I'm taking it slow because I have a lot of AHA moments while I'm reading and I need to let the concepts sink in. He talks about the search for the True Self or the soul and that the False Self (false not meant to be a negative term here) that we show the world. There is a place in our development of self for that false self - that self we label and show to ourselves and society. The goal, however, is to dig deeper and find the true self deep inside.
I think those two voices in my subconscious are my true self and false self battling it out. I think my false self is scared, because I'm beginning to listen to my soul - my connection to the Divine, to God/ Goddess, HP. Part of me is really afraid to believe in my own self worth because then I have to start to put myself out there and trust again - in myself and others - to trust the Divine Light of the Universe.
So I've made a decision while writing this post. It is time to listen to God. It's time to embrace my self worth - to hold my soul gently in my heart the way The Universe cradles me in love. It's time to let go of self loathing and acknowledge my false self, but then listen to my true self. I am worthy. I am loved. I am a divine creature of light and love.
So let's hear it for self love through self care. I've already made some steps in this - I took a personal retreat a couple of weeks ago and went away by myself for a couple of days - it was very loving and relaxing and recharging. I've agreed to take a belly dancing class that a friend offered to let my daughter and I take - I need to move my body if I'm going to get healthier. I've ordered a new yoga mat (my puppy chewed a huge chunk out of my old one) and a yoga strap so I can get back to my yoga practice - once again I won't make any progress if I don't move my body. And - I'm much closer to banishing sugar from my diet - I'm almost ready to ignore the siren call of refined sugar. I wish I was there, but I know how difficult and long the detox process is, so I'm still putting it off. I'm close to just accepting that I'll have a few weeks of discomfort to get to a place of better health.
So that is my ramblings for today. Thank you all once again who took that time to read this and respond either here or on Facebook. Your comments and support mean more to me than you can know. I choose right now to accept the love and care from all of you that I'm still struggling to give to myself. You are my mirror reminding me of my worth - so I have great gratitude for each and every one of you - even if you just choose to be compassionate and not comment that I need to stop being a whiny so and so and get on with my life.