Tuesday, March 24, 2015


Wow am I tired of being tired and just feeling down. I have no energy and am finding it hard to function. On the other hand the weather is changing and I am starting to notice moments of spring's promise. That cheers me up a bit.

I saw my doctor last week and we changed my depression meds - it's been a couple of years and it's common to need a change after that amount of time. I've been on the new med for a few days now, but haven't noticed any real change except that I'm sleeping better. It takes time for a new depression med to have affect though so I'm not worried. I have a follow up appointment the end of next month to talk about whether there have been any changes, I hoping this new med will help.

Depression is so difficult to live with. On one hand I know all these wonderful things that could help my depression, eating well, exercise, fresh air all are extremely beneficial. But.....yes isn't there always a but? Anyway all these things would help my depression but I don't have the energy to partake because of the depression - see what I mean. I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I just have to trust in the Universe, that the lessons I'm learning from my depression will help me in the long run. I just have to get through the darkness and find my way back into the light. One day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time. It's a lot like my abstinence. I can't necessarily see the benefits to giving up sugar and trying to eat healthy, but if I'm just patient and take it a day at a time then I well see and feel the benefits. As a matter of fact I've already lost some weight - so there is that.

So here I am plugging away a day at a time. Trying desperately to believe that my Higher Power is here for me and that I'll reach the light on the other side of the darkness that is my depression. I've lived with this mental illness for a lot of years now and to be honest part of me is tired of it. Sometimes the temptation to give up is so great. But I don't. If I could get this far there is no telling how far I can go. I can live a happy life - I've done it before. I just have to trust that there is light and joy and good feelings on the other side of my exhaustion and depression. Trust is hard though. Just when I think I've beaten this mental illness for good - it comes back again.

The good thing is that when I stop and think about it - underneath it all is a spark of hope. Underneath it all I love my life. I love my family and my home and my pets - well the dogs anyway - I just lose track of that sometimes while I'm stumbling around in the dark places in my mind. Depression can do that - make you lose sight of what is really important.

Ultimately, I am grateful for this battle with depression. I've learned a lot about myself in this battle and I've overcome so much. I just wish the battle was over. Statistically though it's likely that I will be fighting this battle off and on for the rest of my life. The more depressive episodes one has the more likely one will have even more. Well, I've had a lot. I've been depressed off and on since I was 9 years old. This is not a new battle for me.

It's interesting the language I've been conditioned to use in regards to my depression. Battle and fight are two words that I don't hesitate to use in regards to depression, but the are things that I often try to avoid in my life. I'm more about peace and harmony and letting go. Maybe that's why this struggle continues. Maybe I need to try to change my mindset about the whole thing. Food for further thought.

Anyway, I'll continue on. Grateful for the experiences in my life that make me stronger and bring me closer to my family. Grateful for the past and all I've learned from it. Grateful for a new day to work through bit by bit looking for the moments of hope and joy.

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