Friday, October 9, 2015

Morning Musings

Okay, if you read my last entry you know that I've been at an unschooling conference this week with my kids. It's been an amazing journey, but one constant I've maintained while here is my morning routine. I do my OA step readings, say my prayers, and do my meditative coloring with my coffee and light box. While sitting here coloring, I've been going over some of the choices I made to share of myself this week in some of the sessions. I've been open and vulnerable, sharing about my suicide attempt, my struggle with Arlo's death and depression, and my spirituality. I was thinking about how that made me feel and why I shared those things. I felt the inspiration to sit and write about my musings.

When I was a teenager and young adult and even just before my last serious bout of depression, that I would have shared these things from my past to garner sympathy and expressions of love. I was very needy at those times in my life and I needed, or rather thought I needed, to feed on that energy. Wow have things changed for me. Now I share these things for many other reasons. I share my struggles with mental illness to educate and to reach out to others who maybe feeling the same so they know they are not alone and that it does get better. I share about my loss because that was a defining time in my life and a lot of what I've been through including my responses to mental illness was colored by that experience. I share about my spirituality because that is part - a big part - of who I am, I'm a shamanic, druid, 12 stepping, pagan. I'm more willing now in my life to share of myself because I'm in a pretty good spot and am finally beginning to feel that I'm worth knowing.

All these things just are - they are facets of who I am and to hide them would mean hiding my light and I don't want to do that anymore. Did I second guess myself after sharing - Hell Yes! I was afraid the first day I talked about some of those things, but as the week went on and I realized that the people around me wanted to know who I am, it got easier. I no longer share this stuff to garner sympathy and to get kudos - I share them to, hopefully, help others to see things can get better and that a family can survive trauma and even thrive once they come out on the other side.

I wish sometimes that I didn't have depression and that my kids didn't have to see me at my worst, but on the other hand I believe the Universe give us all, the experiences we need in life. My children, though it was difficult, have learned compassion, independence, and how to come out on the other side of a trauma stronger and more able. This is a lesson I sometimes wish they didn't have to experience, but they are richer people for it. I try to protect my children sometimes to their detriment I believe, so the Universe took matters into Her own hands and brought the lesson my children needed through me.

Okay that got deep fast. It felt good to get it out on this page though. It's amazing to me the way the Universe showers us with blessings - even if they are hidden inside darkness - there needs to be darkness to see the light and to be honest, coming out of the dark into the light is one of the best feelings in the world.

These are just a few of the things I learned this week. How blessed am I.....

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