Well, the depression is much better. New meds and my body adjusting to a sugar free life have definitely made an impact. I've also begun exercising! I'm riding my bike 3 times a week - I'm up to 5 miles right now and I'm training for a 10 mile ride in September to raise money for Parkinson's research. I'm pretty proud of my growth over the last few months. I'm 160 days abstinent - that means 160 days without sugar and eating only 3 meals per day with nothing in between and no trigger foods. My portions are getting smaller as my body adjusts and my body is definitely changing.
My program - OA - is not going as well. I've have managed to remain abstinent, but to be honest that abstinence is a gift from my Higher Power. I've done little to no work spiritually and I haven't been working the steps. I'm still going to meetings, but not as regularly as I should. So after a particularly inspirational meeting yesterday, I finally asked a woman I admire to be my sponsor. This is a first for me - I haven't really worked with a sponsor, but I know that I need help working the steps or I am bound to relapse. I don't want to ever relapse again - the last one sent me into such a deep dark spiral - I never want to go there again, so I'm going to use the tools the OA program lays out for me and work with my new sponsor.
I've been thinking about what I want or need from a sponsor since I asked her yesterday. I'm still contemplating that. My first instinct was the I need someone to be accountable to - but after praying about it and thinking about it I realized that's not what I really need or want. I have my family to keep me accountable and they do a really good job of it. What I want and need from my sponsor is unconditional love and support and guidance through the 12 steps of OA. Someone to share my thoughts and work with who understands and can help guide me through the process. That doesn't mean that I won't occasionally need to be called on my stuff - I know I sometimes try to deflect and hide and I need someone to help me see when I'm doing that so I can be honest with myself. I think I also need someone to cheer me on when I'm doing well and to help me see when I'm ready to move on to the next step. I have a tendency to stay stuck - stagnant - frozen in indecision when something is hard for me. I will work through something and then just sit with it because I don't want to let it go.
I'm so unbelievable blessed to have such wonderful support in my life. To have a roof over my head, healthy food for my belly, love and hugs and kisses to feed my soul, a Higher Power that loves me unconditionally, and my fellows in OA that celebrate with me, understand my struggles and support and love me.
I'm also so grateful for this journey life has brought me on. It's been a bumpy road from time to time with many ups and downs, but there is very little I would change. I am who I am because of the struggles I've endured, so I'll take it all and work through and continue to grow.
I'll probably be writing here on this blog about my OA journey more than I have been because I think it's important for my recovery and abstinence. So you all should be seeing more of me here. Sorry I've been gone so long, but I haven't really had a lot to say cuz I've really just been coasting. It was nice, but it's time to get back to work. I have growing to do!