Hey all. I've just had to look one of my decisions squarely in the face and realize that though it was for the best intentions, it was the wrong decision. There seems to be a lot of those in my life the last few years and I have to look at myself and the situation honestly and openly. I fucked up. Again.
Now comes the part of me that starts to analyze and even though I tried to convince myself my intentions were good - were they really or was I just a coward and couldn't face the real reason I made that decision.
It gets complicated trying to analyze the reasons behind my decisions especially when I've been lying to myself and I'm not even aware of it. I don't want to admit to myself that I sometimes make decisions more because I'm scared than for any other reason. I'm trying to hide from pain - usually emotional pain.
In the past I would eat to hide from my pain - that's one of the reasons I'm a compulsive overeater, but now that I'm working the OA (Overeaters Anonymous) program I'm not hiding in food anymore. I now often make bad decisions because I'm still afraid to honestly and completely feel my feelings and deal with them. At least now I'm aware of it, so I can attempt to be better.
Trying to do what's best for myself and others is no easy feat for me. Putting myself aside and making self destructive decisions is more familiar, but I'm trying to let go of past unhealthy patterns. Now I try to make decisions with more balance for myself and others. What's best for me, usually works out being what's best for my family - imagine that. My therapist had a hard time convincing me that once I could take better care of myself, I could take better care of those around me and lo and behold it was true! Except when I'm making decision based on unacknowledged fear instead of sound reasoning and feelings.
I want desperately to beat myself up, but what would that really accomplish? It wouldn't change my decision or the pain that it caused another. All I can really do is acknowledge my mistake, apologize for it if necessary, learn from it and move on. Now I know that I can and often should make different decisions.
Today I decide to be thankful for my bad decisions and the growth that occurs because of them. I decide to not beat myself or make that same mistake again and to express my love and compassion toward myself and those around me.