Well that was a challenging camping trip. All in all it went well, but we had a couple of major melt downs that really put a damper on the trip. Both I and the girl just fell apart and had a stereotypical mother/daughter power play. Now I try very hard not to get sucked into these sorts of confrontations, but I am human and sometimes circumstances cause me to make bad decisions or no decisions and let myself fall into old patterns of behavior and I just mess up. That happened this past week while we were away. I got so upset that my behavior became irrational and I took it out on my family. I'm not proud of it, but there is my humanity staring me in the face once again. Nothing I can do to change what already happened, but I have made amends to my family and they have all forgiven me for causing an uncomfortable evening our last one of camping. All is well now and I've taken the opportunity to grow and learn from my mistakes.
It certainly doesn't excuse my behavior, but we got some unexpected news while we were away and I felt as though I was selfish and letting a friend and community down, by not being home while stuff was happening. Was my reaction rational? No - I had no control and really there was nothing I could have done to help had I been home. I just wasn't expecting it and let myself feel guilt and sadness that overwhelmed me and then led to some bad reactions/decisions on my part.
My family loves me dearly and have all proven this over and over whenever I have an outburst by forgiving me almost immediately. They never hold grudges against me. I'm slower to forgive than they are, especially when it comes to forgiving myself. I'm working on it - yes, I am a work in progress and I do not apologize for that. The journey is the point - the process is all there really is - there is no destination only the journey and I'm trying my best to journey well.
Blessings to all and especially to me - I need them today.