Monday, September 30, 2013

light and love

I really want this blog to be about light and love, but right now I'm just feeling apathetic. I hate this feeling and I'm having a really hard time getting out of it. Usually I can find ways to move beyond these kinds of feelings, but all those tools just aren't working right now.

My family and I just got back from a nice long drive in the country - this is one of my favorite things to do and it usually cheers me up if I'm feeling down, but I just don't feel any different this time. It's autumn here in Maine and the leaves are beginning to change so the drive was beautiful, but my heart just wasn't in it.

Maybe I'm still grieving from my friend Jenn's passing last week. Maybe I'm picking up on some negative vibes around me. Perhaps my filters just aren't doing the trick right now. Maybe I just need some new tools to find that light and love inside myself. I know it's there - it never goes away - I'm just having a hard time finding it right now.

Maybe I just need to let myself be sad for a little longer. I'm not sure if it is even sadness I'm feeling - I'm just kind of numb. Writing about it is one of the tools my therapist encourages me to make use of so I suppose just writing this post is probably going to do me some good.

I feel bad that I'm in this weird headspace right now. One of my greatest sources of light and love is my marriage and today is my 18th anniversary. I want very much to celebrate how wonderful it is to have been married to my soulmate for all these years, but I'm just not feeling much of anything.

My birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I want to be able to celebrate that as well, but I just don't see this feeling or lack thereof to go away anytime soon. Maybe I am just grieving. Well not just - grieving is an important process and takes different forms for different people.

I'm feeling really down on myself because I can't seem to get out of this funk. I've tried knitting my way out - using some positive visualization - trying to think of things I'm grateful for, and lots of other things. I still find myself back in this moment of self hatred and guilt. Not a fun place to be. Not a great way to feel. I don't actually hate myself - I'm just disappointed in my inability to find my way out of this funk. And now instead of this being a place of light and love it has become a place of darkness and antipathy.

I'm sorry guys - I don't mean to be bringing you down, but as Jenn used to say - I'm keeping it real. The reality is I'm not feeling so great right now. It won't last though. I'll turn it around and maybe I shouldn't be sharing this bit of negativity, but I want you to know where I'm at. This isn't it - this is just a moment in time that will pass and I'll find the light-filled hopeful Hope again soon. But until I do - this is me. This is where I'm at. This is a moment in my life and though my life is good, this moment is kinda yucky.


  1. Sending you love <3 It's not easy feeling up and hopeful, knowing one of the shining lights of being has left us. I know some of how you are feeling.... mourning Jenn's passing is going to be a process. She wouldn't want us to dwell on the negative, but it sure is hard not to cry for our loss. Give yourself a big hug for being the wonderful friend to Jenn she needed this past year! Love you Hope!! <3 Jen-Mom

  2. I agree with Jen-Mom. I think it's grief. Everyone experiences grief differently, for each unique death. A wise elder told me that grief is like the common cold - there's no cure, you just have to go through it. Also, I feel pretty crap-tastic myself. We will heal. Love you.

  3. I like that analogy of grief like the common cold. I agree it is just good that you are trying to process everything. You are feeling and whether the feelings are good or bad you are processing them. Keep moving ahead Hope that is all any of us can do. :)